i like the smell of a clean, vacant room....
the family has left for church...i am left at home for i must go to work in a few hours. Matty is sitting accross the room from me just staring with that death stare that she tends to give. little "notice me" wimpers are emitting from her periodically. ^.^ oh! i just figured it out. Dudley, her little/big compainion was locked in the mud room all alone! hehe. she was telling me to go let him out. owuuuuuuuuu. shes sooo smart! my little librarian!
i had a lot to write. but my inner core feels restless and i think id rather go paint. O.O
*rolls away....*
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
expeditions of the mind
last night i had an interesting dream, not to mention very vivid. It was a dream with an atmosphere i can't quite put into words..You see, I was at work.....and i had opened a door i had never seen before. It was an exit door at the back of the establishment. Im not sure why i opened it but i did. As soon as i swung the big metal door open, a crisp wind engulfed me. i looked out and there was a long winding path....a dirt road, just wide enough for one to walk on started at the exit door and stretched as far as i could see......all through out this gorgeous valley.....a steep cliff on one side exposed a waterfall of some sort. There was mist where the path narrowed at the top of the hill. Greens and sepia tones were the color scheme....with a grey sky stenciling the tops of the hills. I looked around and contimplated telling someone of my find, but then shook my head and stepped foot onto the path, letting the steel door slam behind me. It was strange that this unoccupied, and undiscovered stretch of land was directly behind the All Valley Animal Resort...o.O i crawled over a crudely buily wooden fence, only about as high as my midbody, and started down this enigma of a path. I looked to the left, a heavy wooded area where i could see a small stone building next to a river. Strange, because that buildiing was very much involved in my dream the night before. I kept walking until the path forked. I looked around. I was at the lowest point in the path....the hills had indeed absorbed me at this point. Decrepit wooden structures, old houses....unused fences were littered amongst the hills, tucked into the places which were shadowed. I continued traversing down the path that went upward. As i did so, i heard my mothers voice in my head telling me, almost in a narrative voice, "and this is where i lost my two closest friends. They were killed in these woods and it made me very sad..." and then my mother was there. And with that newfound information i gave my mother a very sincere hug and told her that i had no idea. I felt deeply for her for some reason. Perhaps its because it was my mother telling me of such a sad affair which she had to experience. We continued walking together...speaking of all sorts of things until we came to a church......a vacant church. Tattered photos of children were thumbtacked on the inside hallway. I became a little uneasy and stepped outside, taking in my almost uneartlhy surroundings once again. I suddenly woke up to find Matty and Dudley snarling at each other which was very strange. Matty had bit dudley for one reason or another and he curled up next to me shaking. -.- i comforted him and scolded merciless matty....and drifted back to sleep. Unfortunatly i was not taken back to my outdoor haven, but instead to a large room with a wood floor and a cat. Damn those internet videos that patraic had shown me that day because i dreamt of rolling my cats hair into a long matted object and let it play. -.- gah. oh, how my dreams differ!!
I know jake was in my dream....and he played a significant role......but unfortunatly i cannnot remember. -.-
but i suppose in a nutshell that was what was going on in my head last night. very odd. very strange.
i must go to work now. maybe i'll open the exit door. just to see.
I know jake was in my dream....and he played a significant role......but unfortunatly i cannnot remember. -.-
but i suppose in a nutshell that was what was going on in my head last night. very odd. very strange.
i must go to work now. maybe i'll open the exit door. just to see.
Friday, December 14, 2007
christ. today was not a day to brag about. Headaches and tears filled my 12 hour shift at work today... it all started when i went to let out that fucking dog....
Roxie was its name...she is a 3 1/2 month old golden retriever puppy. God, i loathe puppies. i dont think i could ever raise one. -.- i let this damn dog out in our enclosed astroturfed yard to do its business. i cleaned its kennel and fed it. when i went to let it in , it wouldnt come back to me. It insisted on playing and running around me in circles even though i was clearly in no mood to play. the temperature outside was below what i would consider a comfortable cold therefore my hands were cold. i called the dog over and over....my voice gaining a harsher tone each time i called it. i just wanted to get this dog in and continue my rotation so i could be done. This dog just would not come. i could feel myself getting more and more frusterated....my breathing became heavier. -.- i kneeled down in the middle of the courtyard with this fucking dog running laps around me and began to cry. i was so upset for some reason. so very upset. i asked her "please, roxie. just go inside" but of course she didnt listen. this went on for about 15 minutes. i thought of matty.......god shes a good dog. -.- unlike this failure of an animal.......
i finally just propped the door open and waited for her to go in by herself. she did. i shut her in her kennel and took away her dinner. maybe i shouldnt had done that....but i did. o.O
after that ordeal i heard the "beep" of my phone again. Damn that phone.....its trashed. ive never had a phoen longer than a few months. ugh.
then i come home. mother and father were arguing over something......my mother left the house in a huff all of a sudden, slamming the door after her. i was in the upstairs bonus room so i could hear the roar of the garage door opening and the car engine starting. She left. it was just father, the dogs, and myself now. i sat by him....and held matty who was also sitting on the couch. we stared blankly at the television screen. some "funny video" show was playing. Neither of us were watching, i know. We both had a lot of things on our minds. I let go of matty and gently lay my head on my fathers' lap. i asked him what he was thinking but he didnt say anything back. i hate it when he does that. i longed for my mate.....haven't seen him today. i miss him. i hate being apart from him on these days that i work. Father gets up all of a sudden and instead of his lap my head ends up on the warm cushion. i tell him i love him as he leaves the room but of course my statement of affection was not reciprocated. i went downstairs and made some tea. i sat on the couch with matty and mother and decided i will not go to work tomorrow. work does not own me.....i have things to do tomorrow. things for myself. i want to paint so badly. ugh. the urge to create has never itched at me so badly. this is a good thing though.
oh yes. update to my last post about the dog corpse.....i went back into the laundry room today at work and looked at the clipboard next to the body freezer which lists all the bodies they place in it. i was curious what the dogs' name was which i put in a bag the other night. i took my finger and skimmed through the dates.....11/30.....12/9..........12/10/......12/11.....when i came to 12/13 my eyes got wide. that dog, the one i inspected so closely and had much sympathy over was named matty.
i hope the person who owned this matty is coping with their loss......losing a matty is hard....or so i can imagine.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
i pulled into the driveway well into 10pm. Weary and cold, i hurried inside the house. I greeted matty as i always do with rediculous "babytalk" and endless touching. The repetitive "beeps" emitted from my cellular devive, reminding me to feed it electricity. i frown. My phone charger is in the car. I would have to brave the cold one more time if id like the luxory of using my alarm which comes equipped with the phone. i pull my sweatshirt back on and rush outside....only to be stop on the large concrete porch just long enough to marvel at the sight above the rooftops. The clouds are whispy and the night sky is darkish. the air is crisp and i can see my breath....
im reminded that cellular device is such a petty, petty object....
a lot of things in this world are. Little pieces of technology that everyone and their brother owns. Things that have become a necessity......how sad. How sad that our lives must be intertwined constantly with technology.....it eats human relationships away. the paint is coming off....
ugh. how i long to live in a time of manual labor.....where we didnt have machines to do the somewhat gratifying work for us. o.O
well. on a different note...
today.
i was at work. and i went back to check the laundry in the storage room which coincedently also has the body freezer in it. Receptionist girl was wheeling a table into the room. on top of the table was a large black lab, covered with a blue patterened blanket. Receptionist girl was crying..."it...looks like my dog and i just had to put her down!" she cries to me. i tell her its okay and go get cathy. Receptionist girl leaves and cathy and i prepare the cadaver for the freezer. I felt the dogs torso......cold...and very stiff. strange feeling body with no life in it. i felt its joints but the rigamortis had already set in. Eyes closed, mouth clenched. Sad sight. i pet the dead dog as if it were still living and slid the camo-print collar off its neck. We put it in a huge thick black bag, tied it up, labled it....and put the dog in the freezer. my job is interesting. the dead are intriguing.
where do dogs go when they die?
im tired. goodnight.
im reminded that cellular device is such a petty, petty object....
a lot of things in this world are. Little pieces of technology that everyone and their brother owns. Things that have become a necessity......how sad. How sad that our lives must be intertwined constantly with technology.....it eats human relationships away. the paint is coming off....
ugh. how i long to live in a time of manual labor.....where we didnt have machines to do the somewhat gratifying work for us. o.O
well. on a different note...
today.
i was at work. and i went back to check the laundry in the storage room which coincedently also has the body freezer in it. Receptionist girl was wheeling a table into the room. on top of the table was a large black lab, covered with a blue patterened blanket. Receptionist girl was crying..."it...looks like my dog and i just had to put her down!" she cries to me. i tell her its okay and go get cathy. Receptionist girl leaves and cathy and i prepare the cadaver for the freezer. I felt the dogs torso......cold...and very stiff. strange feeling body with no life in it. i felt its joints but the rigamortis had already set in. Eyes closed, mouth clenched. Sad sight. i pet the dead dog as if it were still living and slid the camo-print collar off its neck. We put it in a huge thick black bag, tied it up, labled it....and put the dog in the freezer. my job is interesting. the dead are intriguing.
where do dogs go when they die?
im tired. goodnight.
Monday, November 5, 2007
words always come to me when im somewhere where i cannot write. then when i arrive at a place where i can safely jot down my thoughts, my mind draws a blank. damn you, cerebellum. damn you, medulla, and damn you, cerebral cortex!!
...*pacepacepace* yes. this is what im thinking about right now...
im thinking of the deep down and often over looked characteristcs in us homosapians which often make up a large part of us. The small, sometimes "insignificant" thoughts and ideas and memories...the things that we think often upon....but we fail to tell anyone else fearing its of no importance to bring up. I have them. and you have them. and sometimes....these small thoughts...these...minuscule memories and thoughts and feelings that captivate us in such away that our whole lives revolve around it...and the sad part is that half the time we aren't even aware. ....We're not aware until we realize just how much this things eats away at us.....eating and feeding off of our mere beings until thats all that is being focused on. When you realize that this thing is devouring you, you can handle it in two different ways. you can accept it and hand feed it the last of your dignity. Or, option two, you can look it in the eyes and accept it. accept that that was then. this is now. a completely different time...a time where a completely different energy is enveloping you. Mate rocked me to sleep as he reminded me of these truths.
Im not going to hold a negative stigma towards this coming season.
*ahem*
*pacepacepace*
This afternoon i was sitting on my bed, freshly cleansed and i was naked. matty was curled up in her...skin. -.- and i was drawing...something i rarely do these days. Which is sad because i do enjoy letting loose my creative illustration side, but rarely does it want to come out. Just one of those patient talents, i suppose. My art is something that is not my own, it has its own moods and its own feelings. It seems as though it is a completely seperate entity from myself.... >.>
<.<
anyways...my bed. me. drawing. and i had the radio on. i had it on the classical station of course. The medley of stringed instruments was mere background noise until a certain song came on. A song entitled "Fantasia On a Theme"....and i became very intrigued. i ran downstairs and downloaded it (god bless the interwebby) and have been listening to this same song on repeat all day. its so.....i dont know. foreboding almost. a feeling of....eager anxiety....if that makes sense. i love it.
i like music. and i like drivng. and i like matty. and i like jake. and i like wolves. and i like the nighttime o.O i like a lot of things.
today is a good day. i had to stay late at work which i dont mind. cathy likes me now. i am glad.
cathy does not like joe.
for this, i am equally glad.
but i shall not hold any grudges! and i shall not talk about joe as if he were a naughty child in a bleach-covered daycare!!
im sorry whoever reads this! but my mind skips and dabbles in different places constantly. so now i am changing direction. again.
and maybe ending this long post. because....well..........
yes.
that is all.
...*pacepacepace* yes. this is what im thinking about right now...
im thinking of the deep down and often over looked characteristcs in us homosapians which often make up a large part of us. The small, sometimes "insignificant" thoughts and ideas and memories...the things that we think often upon....but we fail to tell anyone else fearing its of no importance to bring up. I have them. and you have them. and sometimes....these small thoughts...these...minuscule memories and thoughts and feelings that captivate us in such away that our whole lives revolve around it...and the sad part is that half the time we aren't even aware. ....We're not aware until we realize just how much this things eats away at us.....eating and feeding off of our mere beings until thats all that is being focused on. When you realize that this thing is devouring you, you can handle it in two different ways. you can accept it and hand feed it the last of your dignity. Or, option two, you can look it in the eyes and accept it. accept that that was then. this is now. a completely different time...a time where a completely different energy is enveloping you. Mate rocked me to sleep as he reminded me of these truths.
Im not going to hold a negative stigma towards this coming season.
*ahem*
*pacepacepace*
This afternoon i was sitting on my bed, freshly cleansed and i was naked. matty was curled up in her...skin. -.- and i was drawing...something i rarely do these days. Which is sad because i do enjoy letting loose my creative illustration side, but rarely does it want to come out. Just one of those patient talents, i suppose. My art is something that is not my own, it has its own moods and its own feelings. It seems as though it is a completely seperate entity from myself.... >.>
<.<
anyways...my bed. me. drawing. and i had the radio on. i had it on the classical station of course. The medley of stringed instruments was mere background noise until a certain song came on. A song entitled "Fantasia On a Theme"....and i became very intrigued. i ran downstairs and downloaded it (god bless the interwebby) and have been listening to this same song on repeat all day. its so.....i dont know. foreboding almost. a feeling of....eager anxiety....if that makes sense. i love it.
i like music. and i like drivng. and i like matty. and i like jake. and i like wolves. and i like the nighttime o.O i like a lot of things.
today is a good day. i had to stay late at work which i dont mind. cathy likes me now. i am glad.
cathy does not like joe.
for this, i am equally glad.
but i shall not hold any grudges! and i shall not talk about joe as if he were a naughty child in a bleach-covered daycare!!
im sorry whoever reads this! but my mind skips and dabbles in different places constantly. so now i am changing direction. again.
and maybe ending this long post. because....well..........
yes.
that is all.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
i was bereft of this emotion for a long time but now its back again, gracing me with its presence.
such an illusive feelng....it almost haunts me in a way. my own personal ghost always firmly gripping my shoulder with its talons.
coming. and going. i get lost in things.
like weather.
and time.
and days.
and even love.
but this damn ghost-like emotion is always there......making itself known......when i crave it the most.
im hungry.
such an illusive feelng....it almost haunts me in a way. my own personal ghost always firmly gripping my shoulder with its talons.
coming. and going. i get lost in things.
like weather.
and time.
and days.
and even love.
but this damn ghost-like emotion is always there......making itself known......when i crave it the most.
im hungry.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
random memory
3 or 4 years ago this happened..
i had a friend. his name was chris boorman. and he was my only friend because caitlin disowned me at the time. it was very sad. he brought me to church a lot. this was all when i lived at the chateau house and he lived a few streets away and every wednesday we'd walk to this big church down the street.
it was boring. and id just sit there. and he was very involved and so was his family. and sometimes it was quite awkward...but i sat through it because he was my only friend and i wanted him to like me. oh. this was also when i wore skirts....every day. all year. and id skip class. and i was depressed i think. so it was strange. and i was probably a little cold. all the time.
anyways.
this happened in.....spring time. yes. oh. wait.
so...this church. the "youth room" was big and dark and had this big painting of jesus on a boat and chris olson was always being outragous with god. anyways. one day...chris boorman told me to come and help pass flyers out in neighborhoods in town. and so...i agreed. because i wanted his friendship. but i didnt want to go. but i did. and soo...we met at this church on a weekday night. and got in a large van. we listened to fucking Lifehouse over and over and over. and...we drove down 5 mile in the country-ish creepy "imgonnashootyougetoffmyproperty" area. it was scary! and so we buddied up to pass out these flyers....which meant basically putting them on peoples doorknobs. and so i was partnered with simon...and simon was very peculiar. very different. simon had a beard. and thick glasses. and he always wore this black coat. and he was quiet. but said enough to be understood. and he was always riding a damn unicycle. he brought it on our expedition...in this creepy neighhborhood. i didnt want to be there. the van dropped us off in this completely foreign neighborhood that was really trashy and scary. simon said "lets split up and ill meet you at the end of the street" i was pretty shy so i just said.."well ok" so we split up and i clutched my flyers as i watched crazy old simon ride his unicycle down the street and past all of the creepy homes. i turned around aned walked. and walked. and threw the flyers away because i was tired of promoting church. i just walked around the streets until it became dusk. and simon, that son of a bitch, still hadnt met up with me. i was a little worried. i didnt know where i was. my partner had left me. i was sad! then i wondered and wondered and finally found the main road after crawling through a hole in a chain link fence. i sat on a smallish thick pole and finally the van came down the street. i went up to it and got in. O.O the jesus-people took me home and i never went flyer-giving again. and then i quit trying to please chris boorman. the end.
...jakes cute when hes being inquisitive with electronics!!! :3
i had a friend. his name was chris boorman. and he was my only friend because caitlin disowned me at the time. it was very sad. he brought me to church a lot. this was all when i lived at the chateau house and he lived a few streets away and every wednesday we'd walk to this big church down the street.
it was boring. and id just sit there. and he was very involved and so was his family. and sometimes it was quite awkward...but i sat through it because he was my only friend and i wanted him to like me. oh. this was also when i wore skirts....every day. all year. and id skip class. and i was depressed i think. so it was strange. and i was probably a little cold. all the time.
anyways.
this happened in.....spring time. yes. oh. wait.
so...this church. the "youth room" was big and dark and had this big painting of jesus on a boat and chris olson was always being outragous with god. anyways. one day...chris boorman told me to come and help pass flyers out in neighborhoods in town. and so...i agreed. because i wanted his friendship. but i didnt want to go. but i did. and soo...we met at this church on a weekday night. and got in a large van. we listened to fucking Lifehouse over and over and over. and...we drove down 5 mile in the country-ish creepy "imgonnashootyougetoffmyproperty" area. it was scary! and so we buddied up to pass out these flyers....which meant basically putting them on peoples doorknobs. and so i was partnered with simon...and simon was very peculiar. very different. simon had a beard. and thick glasses. and he always wore this black coat. and he was quiet. but said enough to be understood. and he was always riding a damn unicycle. he brought it on our expedition...in this creepy neighhborhood. i didnt want to be there. the van dropped us off in this completely foreign neighborhood that was really trashy and scary. simon said "lets split up and ill meet you at the end of the street" i was pretty shy so i just said.."well ok" so we split up and i clutched my flyers as i watched crazy old simon ride his unicycle down the street and past all of the creepy homes. i turned around aned walked. and walked. and threw the flyers away because i was tired of promoting church. i just walked around the streets until it became dusk. and simon, that son of a bitch, still hadnt met up with me. i was a little worried. i didnt know where i was. my partner had left me. i was sad! then i wondered and wondered and finally found the main road after crawling through a hole in a chain link fence. i sat on a smallish thick pole and finally the van came down the street. i went up to it and got in. O.O the jesus-people took me home and i never went flyer-giving again. and then i quit trying to please chris boorman. the end.
...jakes cute when hes being inquisitive with electronics!!! :3
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
lets see.
my dream. last night. it was interesting.
i was at my house. it was full. i was sitting in a room upstairs. i was in my pajamas. this very fancy looking lady who looked extremely well-to-do came up and just started messing around, looking in drawers and what not. i knew she was just staying the night (my house was a sort of bed and breakfast) but still, i couldnt stand her. she kept going out to her van. the 3rd or 4th time she went out i watched her and saw someones legs in the backset. and cleavage. but no heads. i went outside, stopping in the womans room first. i opened her closet on "accident" and peered inside. yes, just what i imagined. fur coats and heels and very fancy outfits all hung up in the closet perfectly. i sighed. shes travelling! and she packs like this??! i proceeded to the parking lot and to the van. i went inside and there were two girls, maybe about 15 or 16 in age. the had short shorts on and long necked shirts. they were sitting in the back of a mini van and had their seat belts on. the one on the right was extremely tan...fake tan...all orange-like. i just sat there and listened to there conversation, which was more of an arguement.
" your tan looks awful!" says the pale girl
"i like it!" yells back the tan girl.
pale girl, "it looks terrible!!!"
tan girl, silent for a second, then.."yes. you're right. i look bad!!!"
i think they were sisters.
then i was back in my house. i was sad because jake had left me. and so i was just walking around downstairs when i heard a tap on my window. i went to it, and was a little scared, but i put the blinds up, and, yes, it was dustin almanderaz. o.O he looked very dirty and appeared to have been travelling for a very long time. he told me he forgot his earing at my house. i said "okay" and let him in. he went into the bathroom and brought out a smallish hoop-type earing. i was on the floor by the piano petting matty and he kneeled down beside me. he placed it the earing by her nose. i told him now. he placed it by her snout. i said NO! he placed it on her head. and said no. he put it on her eye. i said no again. then he placed it on her ear. i said "okay". i dont know why! and he shoves this earing into poor mattys ear. then he puts another one in her leg. she tries to get up but she cant even use her leg. i start to cry. i didnt like to see matty in pain. dustin just left. and i took the earrings out of matty and threw them at him. i yelled at him and comforted matty. then she could walk again. i go outside to let matty out. the time was very late. but in the alley, there was a sound that sounded like the garbage truck....and i could see the headlights. i tell matty to stay close. the truck/machine/whatever comes out of the alley and has a huge screw hand. it is taking trash and going into the ground and sucking things out and its very scary. i run inside and brian is on the steps, laying down packing blankets the end.
last night was very bad. coworker laziness ruins my mood for the entire day. and now mate is unhappy. -.-
ugh.
my dream. last night. it was interesting.
i was at my house. it was full. i was sitting in a room upstairs. i was in my pajamas. this very fancy looking lady who looked extremely well-to-do came up and just started messing around, looking in drawers and what not. i knew she was just staying the night (my house was a sort of bed and breakfast) but still, i couldnt stand her. she kept going out to her van. the 3rd or 4th time she went out i watched her and saw someones legs in the backset. and cleavage. but no heads. i went outside, stopping in the womans room first. i opened her closet on "accident" and peered inside. yes, just what i imagined. fur coats and heels and very fancy outfits all hung up in the closet perfectly. i sighed. shes travelling! and she packs like this??! i proceeded to the parking lot and to the van. i went inside and there were two girls, maybe about 15 or 16 in age. the had short shorts on and long necked shirts. they were sitting in the back of a mini van and had their seat belts on. the one on the right was extremely tan...fake tan...all orange-like. i just sat there and listened to there conversation, which was more of an arguement.
" your tan looks awful!" says the pale girl
"i like it!" yells back the tan girl.
pale girl, "it looks terrible!!!"
tan girl, silent for a second, then.."yes. you're right. i look bad!!!"
i think they were sisters.
then i was back in my house. i was sad because jake had left me. and so i was just walking around downstairs when i heard a tap on my window. i went to it, and was a little scared, but i put the blinds up, and, yes, it was dustin almanderaz. o.O he looked very dirty and appeared to have been travelling for a very long time. he told me he forgot his earing at my house. i said "okay" and let him in. he went into the bathroom and brought out a smallish hoop-type earing. i was on the floor by the piano petting matty and he kneeled down beside me. he placed it the earing by her nose. i told him now. he placed it by her snout. i said NO! he placed it on her head. and said no. he put it on her eye. i said no again. then he placed it on her ear. i said "okay". i dont know why! and he shoves this earing into poor mattys ear. then he puts another one in her leg. she tries to get up but she cant even use her leg. i start to cry. i didnt like to see matty in pain. dustin just left. and i took the earrings out of matty and threw them at him. i yelled at him and comforted matty. then she could walk again. i go outside to let matty out. the time was very late. but in the alley, there was a sound that sounded like the garbage truck....and i could see the headlights. i tell matty to stay close. the truck/machine/whatever comes out of the alley and has a huge screw hand. it is taking trash and going into the ground and sucking things out and its very scary. i run inside and brian is on the steps, laying down packing blankets the end.
last night was very bad. coworker laziness ruins my mood for the entire day. and now mate is unhappy. -.-
ugh.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Monday, October 8, 2007
my cough is getting better. thank god i haven't been smoking lately. i feel very good about quitting my habit. very accomplished! i never thought it could be done. ^_^
well. last night...my boy and i went for a drive to Idaho City. it was very pleasant. we acquired hot chocolate and cheesy seeds at a hodunk gas station right in the heart of the little mountain town. Oh, how i love mountain villiages! I watched a man talk on a pay phone (yes, he USED a payphone!!) and he looked so....i dont know. like he knew what was going on. o.O with his logger shirt and his pants tucked into his big work boots and a nice floppy hat to top it all off. i enjoyed watching him there in the dusk light. ^_^;; i want to live somewhere like that someday. i really do.
i keep on thinking about what jake brought up about the scales of time.
earth=present for millions of years.
sun=has been present for billllllions of years.
you and i= will be around a max of 80 or so years.
commitiments dont seem that scary when thinking in a way like that. we're here for such a short period of time it amazes me. and to think that we strive to learn everything about our existence in that short of time??!! what are we thinking. maybe thats why other people come into our lives....so we dont have to think about it all by ourselves. we take certain bits nad pieces from other peoples' experiences and add it on to our own long list of things we know.....
very strange. very different.
and i thought about the years. and dogs??? dogs live what?? 9....10.....14..years?? what a short existence that is!! yet we hold so dear to them.
agh. ...........
i wish i had a photo of the sky last night. the clouds were huge and had an incredible red glow to them (due to the city lights in over the hills im sure) and the stars were just scattered everywhere. and they were so bright. so wonderful. and i looked at mate a lot. watched him drive #1. how the light hit his features. hes a beautiful person. really, really beautiful. its strange how connected i feel to him and ive only been seeing him for 2 months about. we really jumped into this but, god, im glad we did. every day i think of him and i get this crazy euphoric, extremely anxious, happysad feeling. its wonderful. id like to spend a good part of this short existence with this boy. hes very very dear to me. im glad i am where i am. right now. at this very moment of my life. im very content.
i got a a parking ticket last night.
wait.
let me explain the scene.
HEY ITS BSU DAY!! FOOTBAWLLLLLL!!!!!!! all the men and their blue and orange. LETS WATCH FOOOOOTBAWLLL!!! they park anywhere and everywhere. all broadway and surrounding streets are just littered with this crazy BSU fans ....all walking toward the stadium like a gaggle of geese to a really big pond. o.O and so i drive! me and webby!! down jakes street. and no parking!!! because they took all the spots!! and i cant parallel park!!!!!!!! AH BASTARDS. so i park where i can. and i shouldve turned and parked the CORRECT way on the street but i didnt. because i was aggravated. and so i got a ticket. a $36 fine for parking the WRONG WAY on a street. i love road violations!!! thank you, police officer! thank you boise! thank you grant street!! thank you BSU!!!
that is all.
i want to go play some Zelda before i have to go and lasso dogzzz.
Friday, September 21, 2007
i feel out of place. and im really cold....physically. all shivery. lately i haven't been very comfortable. its hard for me to relax. life has been going at 100+ mph the past few weeks....and thats how i like it....yet, at this time...in this phase that im enveloped in, i just cant get myself to settle into it.
its strange. i shouldn't feel like that. no reason to. ive been getting pretty irritated at little things lately. i hope those close to me haven't noticed. -.-
i also feel trapped. trapped in this fuckin work/home/jake/fuckin tired cycle that ive gotten thrown into. the jake part of the mix is good but the rest is soooo stressfulll. and people. oh, people are a sin! humans are a disease. like ringworm. or...parvo... i cant deal with it. i just want to go off and be by myself for awhile. i'd like to go into the woods now....gaze up at some night time views and taste that crispy woodsy taste. id rather be cold up there...not in this people/smog/stress infested city. i'd like to go now. i'll pack my duffel bag of necessities and travel up into the unknown. i spent all day talking to coworker girl about her problems-throwing advice at her like a human throwing a ball to an eager ass dog. what about me?? maybe i should explain my "problems" to people but a lot of the time i choose not to. well, i tell Love a lot.....but he still only knows so much. -.- i just want to bitch to someone and not feel awful.
...ugh. *shivers*
cold.
jake brought up a day today. long ago. me, him, pk, and sophia when we went on that oh-so significant drive to jordan valley. oh, how that was the beginning of so many things. the life of me. and ironically enough the death of me at the same time. i remember being completely head over heels with pk at the time and just fucking admiring him. what an impressionable age i was at!!
im thinking a lot. shakey thinking. and this is the point where i just have to stop typing because the past 3 years are just colliding into me right now. event after event after god damn event.....making dents in my skin they hit me so hard.....
*sigh* fucking life.........gawd.
its strange. i shouldn't feel like that. no reason to. ive been getting pretty irritated at little things lately. i hope those close to me haven't noticed. -.-
i also feel trapped. trapped in this fuckin work/home/jake/fuckin tired cycle that ive gotten thrown into. the jake part of the mix is good but the rest is soooo stressfulll. and people. oh, people are a sin! humans are a disease. like ringworm. or...parvo... i cant deal with it. i just want to go off and be by myself for awhile. i'd like to go into the woods now....gaze up at some night time views and taste that crispy woodsy taste. id rather be cold up there...not in this people/smog/stress infested city. i'd like to go now. i'll pack my duffel bag of necessities and travel up into the unknown. i spent all day talking to coworker girl about her problems-throwing advice at her like a human throwing a ball to an eager ass dog. what about me?? maybe i should explain my "problems" to people but a lot of the time i choose not to. well, i tell Love a lot.....but he still only knows so much. -.- i just want to bitch to someone and not feel awful.
...ugh. *shivers*
cold.
jake brought up a day today. long ago. me, him, pk, and sophia when we went on that oh-so significant drive to jordan valley. oh, how that was the beginning of so many things. the life of me. and ironically enough the death of me at the same time. i remember being completely head over heels with pk at the time and just fucking admiring him. what an impressionable age i was at!!
im thinking a lot. shakey thinking. and this is the point where i just have to stop typing because the past 3 years are just colliding into me right now. event after event after god damn event.....making dents in my skin they hit me so hard.....
*sigh* fucking life.........gawd.
Monday, September 10, 2007
ANGER>
i have woken up very upset today. dont even know why. god. just in this horrible awful mood.......thinking about people. thought about pks situation and my own fucking situation with those 2 immature fucking kids. christ. fuckin grey cant get around his huge ego that i dont fuckin care what he thinks and his constant side attacks on me do nothing. all he does is get me worked up about nothing. and fuck that. and fuckin kristen too. what a fucking brat. seriously. she thinks shes gods gift to the intellectual world....."oh wow. im intelligent and deep...but i dont know whats going on!!" at that age you just feed and feed and feed off of other people. we all did it. and fuckin patraic. wtf. seriously. ......trying to make things work with a 16 year old.....he never even sounds happy with her. everything seems so forced. i see it. when i was at his house the other day we both were relaxed and talking actual talk.,....then as soon as kristen shows up he drops all fuckin interest in conversation and acts like a complete dumb ass. so forced. fuck. but i cant say anything, can i?? because thats him and this is me. and i dont want anything to do with that side of his life. and i wish they could just fuckin all grow up and not be so malicious and horrible and fuckin rude. fuck all their drama. they get a kick out of it im sure.. fuck that.
im pissed.
whatever. i should focus on myself. and all is going wonderful. really good. so....there.
im pissed.
whatever. i should focus on myself. and all is going wonderful. really good. so....there.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
sipping tea and sitting on my back porch as the puppies are huddling close by. i probably shoulnd't have this electronic device outside but im sure its fine. i wanted to write and be enveloped in all this rain and thunder and wind and cold......
rain is good. this weather today is utterly sublime.
all this week there have been these crazy happenings going on outside. yesterday i was in the middle of a dust storm.....now a rainstorm?? how wonderful.
urf. rain makes me so restless! damn my obligations at work today. >.<
rain is good. this weather today is utterly sublime.
all this week there have been these crazy happenings going on outside. yesterday i was in the middle of a dust storm.....now a rainstorm?? how wonderful.
urf. rain makes me so restless! damn my obligations at work today. >.<
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
lunar eclipse night.
transitions. phases. times. i dont care what you call them. but they are there. looming over everything you do. its eerie almost......
for now, i'll set the scene.
we drove into this neighborhood in the north end. a place foreign to me. but yet i was intrigued-all these bendy, hilly roads.....
it was night. Webby had a good smell to him today. and i was very comfortable in his seat. more comfortable than usual. pushing on his chrome acceleration pad i navigated us to the home that was hosting a friend. he joined us. odd company? perhaps. oh. wait. before i go on, i must make note of the directions in the case that i may want to revisit that spot again someday:::
1.twilight zone gas station road. go upupup towards simplot hill.
2.right on the road with the school and bomb shelter.
3.left on the <---> sign.
4. UNKNOWN!!!
5. hearthstone rd. then up until the end.
THERE! it is written down.
.....so this boy took us down the road. it was a good walking night.the nights are getting cold now. august is ending. september is beginning....
we walk for a while. just speaking human talk. blahblahblahblah. timepasses......he leaves. pk and i look at each other. look at the illuminated hills behind us. and nod our heads in agreement. these hills were huge. completely secluded if you walked back far enough. the path was in a vallley. it was littered with huge rocks and tumbleweeds and such. we spoke. mending words. then we climbed upward. up the steep slope of the hill. jumping on rocks all the way up. i was on all fours half the time-i have an awful fear of falling of rocks. -.- we climb this grassy hill....stars. god. so many. the sky was so clear. and the moon! so bright.....i actually squinted when i looked up at it. and this is the part where, even if i tried to explain i the feeling i had in my chest at that exact moment, i couldnt properly convey it. it was a true feeling. a nostalgic one in a way. i was content there at that spot. with this human companion. and with the sky and the stars and the dirt and the air and the everything. we talked for a very long time.
then we decided to go farther up the hill. we climbed. and climbed. then found a clear spot and sat down. here, it was the same scene yet the city was spread out in the distance. all the lights......such a familiar view, this damn city of ours. ive seen it in so many different ways. we sat there, silently passing back and forth a harsh USA Gold. silence was broken by a chorus of coyotes howling in the distance. ive never heard howling in the wild before. i was somewhat shaken by this. everything at that second. all that howling. and my surreal surroundings. *sigh* it was something ill never be able to explain. really, those hills. on nights like that.......whenever i think of.....living....feeling completely real.........being at peace...content....i think of what ive experienced in those hills. i'll probably always hold that with me. like the mole on my neck....
god, i wished jake was there. so bad. this was the kind of thing i have wanted to feel with him for so long. i mean, ive experienced a lot with him but for some reason i felt that this would've been significant to him as well. made me tingly. the whole night made me tingly.
we traversed downward....down on that treachorous un-pathed hill! it was steep. we finally made it down and went to get pie and coffee before the lunar eclipse.
"come on haley! its almost 3!"
"damnit. im gonna drink my coffee!"
"ahhhhhh!"
"*chugchug*"
"KAYLETSGO"
so we walk pretty briskly and look up. eclipse has begun. a small shadow was covering the top of it. ive never seen a lunar eclipse, or any kind of eclipse for that matter. O.O so we hopped in the car and drove pretty quick to find the perfect spot. we ended up going down hill road and parking at the entrance of that cemetary there. the night was getting colder. when we couldnt stand the elements anymore (mostly me) we took refuge inside of Webby. we talked for a long time. watching the moon begin hiding under that black mass. it was eerie watching such a familiar object dissapear so quickly. it was amazing when it was completely covered. a black circle with really light reddish edges. i didnt really think about a lot when i saw it. just....i was in awe, i suppose. the moon is wonderful. something about nights......they're....ineffable. -.- too many things are. when we are done with the moon, i took him back home. then. i realized a had somewhere to be. somewhere very important. i drove down that street ive driven down hundreds of times....i pulled up to the strange little connected house. turned off my lights and gave the boy a call. no answer. i call again. no answer. i figured he was sleeping so i start to drive away but then back up and park again. maybe his door is open? i contimplate. i didnt want to be creepy. but then again i felt the urgency. so yea. i go and its unlocked. >.> <.< i opened the door to his lair and stepped inside. of course he was on his bed sound asleep. the light from outside was coming into the room and running across everything. then. i dont know. i dont know what i felt. but i never felt anything like it. i just sat by him and held him. and i couldnt stop shaking. and my breathing was going all over the place. i felt a huge intensity at that moment....i kind of wanted to wake him up and tell him what was on my mind but i didnt. but then he woke up. and i have no recollection of what happened those next few moments. a lot of realizing i suppose. i just remember holding him for a long time. very tightly. and him holding me. and we both were just modling into each other in a way humans rarely do. there was a lot of shaking. from the both of us......i believe what we were feeling was some sort of emotional climax-one that is never seen coming and always hits you all at once. its like being in a car crash....one that you watch coming at you for days. and you know its going to be quite the impact when it finally comes, but you dont slow down. thats the last thing you want to do. a lot of tears. i remember that. everything was all shakey and euphoric and for a second completely understood. 3-letter phrases were finally exchanged and the moment couldn't have been more well-suited for such a profound statement. that song ironically was playing on repeat in the background....the one from pks story blog. ive always kept that song close. it was....perfect. o.O am i allowed to say that? very few things in life come off as perfect but that was pretty close too. and i dont know what else i can really say without being all...womanly.
so ill say this. we took our clothes off in the morning and karen refused to do me. the end.
i must elaborate when i can focus more. *sigh* -.-
for now, i'll set the scene.
we drove into this neighborhood in the north end. a place foreign to me. but yet i was intrigued-all these bendy, hilly roads.....
it was night. Webby had a good smell to him today. and i was very comfortable in his seat. more comfortable than usual. pushing on his chrome acceleration pad i navigated us to the home that was hosting a friend. he joined us. odd company? perhaps. oh. wait. before i go on, i must make note of the directions in the case that i may want to revisit that spot again someday:::
1.twilight zone gas station road. go upupup towards simplot hill.
2.right on the road with the school and bomb shelter.
3.left on the <---> sign.
4. UNKNOWN!!!
5. hearthstone rd. then up until the end.
THERE! it is written down.
.....so this boy took us down the road. it was a good walking night.the nights are getting cold now. august is ending. september is beginning....
we walk for a while. just speaking human talk. blahblahblahblah. timepasses......he leaves. pk and i look at each other. look at the illuminated hills behind us. and nod our heads in agreement. these hills were huge. completely secluded if you walked back far enough. the path was in a vallley. it was littered with huge rocks and tumbleweeds and such. we spoke. mending words. then we climbed upward. up the steep slope of the hill. jumping on rocks all the way up. i was on all fours half the time-i have an awful fear of falling of rocks. -.- we climb this grassy hill....stars. god. so many. the sky was so clear. and the moon! so bright.....i actually squinted when i looked up at it. and this is the part where, even if i tried to explain i the feeling i had in my chest at that exact moment, i couldnt properly convey it. it was a true feeling. a nostalgic one in a way. i was content there at that spot. with this human companion. and with the sky and the stars and the dirt and the air and the everything. we talked for a very long time.
then we decided to go farther up the hill. we climbed. and climbed. then found a clear spot and sat down. here, it was the same scene yet the city was spread out in the distance. all the lights......such a familiar view, this damn city of ours. ive seen it in so many different ways. we sat there, silently passing back and forth a harsh USA Gold. silence was broken by a chorus of coyotes howling in the distance. ive never heard howling in the wild before. i was somewhat shaken by this. everything at that second. all that howling. and my surreal surroundings. *sigh* it was something ill never be able to explain. really, those hills. on nights like that.......whenever i think of.....living....feeling completely real.........being at peace...content....i think of what ive experienced in those hills. i'll probably always hold that with me. like the mole on my neck....
god, i wished jake was there. so bad. this was the kind of thing i have wanted to feel with him for so long. i mean, ive experienced a lot with him but for some reason i felt that this would've been significant to him as well. made me tingly. the whole night made me tingly.
we traversed downward....down on that treachorous un-pathed hill! it was steep. we finally made it down and went to get pie and coffee before the lunar eclipse.
"come on haley! its almost 3!"
"damnit. im gonna drink my coffee!"
"ahhhhhh!"
"*chugchug*"
"KAYLETSGO"
so we walk pretty briskly and look up. eclipse has begun. a small shadow was covering the top of it. ive never seen a lunar eclipse, or any kind of eclipse for that matter. O.O so we hopped in the car and drove pretty quick to find the perfect spot. we ended up going down hill road and parking at the entrance of that cemetary there. the night was getting colder. when we couldnt stand the elements anymore (mostly me) we took refuge inside of Webby. we talked for a long time. watching the moon begin hiding under that black mass. it was eerie watching such a familiar object dissapear so quickly. it was amazing when it was completely covered. a black circle with really light reddish edges. i didnt really think about a lot when i saw it. just....i was in awe, i suppose. the moon is wonderful. something about nights......they're....ineffable. -.- too many things are. when we are done with the moon, i took him back home. then. i realized a had somewhere to be. somewhere very important. i drove down that street ive driven down hundreds of times....i pulled up to the strange little connected house. turned off my lights and gave the boy a call. no answer. i call again. no answer. i figured he was sleeping so i start to drive away but then back up and park again. maybe his door is open? i contimplate. i didnt want to be creepy. but then again i felt the urgency. so yea. i go and its unlocked. >.> <.< i opened the door to his lair and stepped inside. of course he was on his bed sound asleep. the light from outside was coming into the room and running across everything. then. i dont know. i dont know what i felt. but i never felt anything like it. i just sat by him and held him. and i couldnt stop shaking. and my breathing was going all over the place. i felt a huge intensity at that moment....i kind of wanted to wake him up and tell him what was on my mind but i didnt. but then he woke up. and i have no recollection of what happened those next few moments. a lot of realizing i suppose. i just remember holding him for a long time. very tightly. and him holding me. and we both were just modling into each other in a way humans rarely do. there was a lot of shaking. from the both of us......i believe what we were feeling was some sort of emotional climax-one that is never seen coming and always hits you all at once. its like being in a car crash....one that you watch coming at you for days. and you know its going to be quite the impact when it finally comes, but you dont slow down. thats the last thing you want to do. a lot of tears. i remember that. everything was all shakey and euphoric and for a second completely understood. 3-letter phrases were finally exchanged and the moment couldn't have been more well-suited for such a profound statement. that song ironically was playing on repeat in the background....the one from pks story blog. ive always kept that song close. it was....perfect. o.O am i allowed to say that? very few things in life come off as perfect but that was pretty close too. and i dont know what else i can really say without being all...womanly.
so ill say this. we took our clothes off in the morning and karen refused to do me. the end.
i must elaborate when i can focus more. *sigh* -.-
Sunday, August 26, 2007
rising.
happy/sad.
what a strange concept.
god. my mind.
human connections. past. present future. all snowballing into one huge time period. i think of connections.
i hope no one knows about this blog. ....
but.
okay.
im going to type this. in full.
2005.
that summer. trial and error. trial and error.
i think of gazebo nights and patraics basement. -.- i think of night skies and summer air. cigarette smoke and....even that alcohol taste.
that was when everything took a huge turn.....and i still cannot explain it. yet i think of it often. im not dwelling on the past, its just im still so, so curious as to how to actually define that time. god knows ive sat here at this computer pounding these keys over and over and over trying to find the words that accuratly describe the feelings, tastes, smells, ideas, from back then. i still get lost trying to do that. and its been almost 3 years later. its sick. unhealthy maybe.
fucking....round feelings! i said it before but, yes, i'll say it again....the human interactions. perhaps it was an overload of somesort. intensity.
i think i thrive on that.
intensity.
speed.
things like that. being caught in something huge. i think we all do.....thrive on things such as that.
moving on.
forget 2005. now, i shall generalize. winter months. you know the feeling. youre constantly at mercy with the elements. i like that. i like not being able to control your surroundings.
surroundings.
oh.
okay.
maybe thats it.
new surroundings. fresh beginnings in a way. no ones trekked here before. maybe i dont mean that literally but....yes.
with every surrounding, every area, every hill and every valley theres a new experience to be had. a new mindset to envelop yourself with.
moving on.
spring. everything is becoming more familiar. winter has surrendered. taking what you have learned in the bleak cold and applying it to this strange half cold half warm season. why do i write about spring?? this is no season story.
im skipping a lot. i know. but. the present. right now. fuck. i feel i need to express so much more on the last 2 1/2 years. so significant. so.....ineffable. damnit. thats why i cant ever write about it.
but.
*pant*
right now. this very second. 1:51 AM ona certain August 26th.
this is how im feeling:::
almost euphoric.
nostalgic. (god, i loathe nostalgia)
content, cattywompus.
the boy....i dont know how he does it. sparks a lot of things in me. and not just that crazed hot and bothered phenomenon but something much more. still trying to define it. its somewhat difficult yet. im still trying to grasp onto things. i love it. every day, i almost let that god awful 'L' word slip....... that taboo word that bonds two people in some kind of intimate/dictonary/mind boggling manner.
it will come.
this one is special. i can feel it. very, very thoroughly.
i need to get out of this valley. maybe thats it. all this emotion is being felt in the same place day after day. ive gotta see things with him. experience. i want to see the same thing 46 different ways with him.....have to traverse the land.
somethings happening. and its good. very good. a little scary and a little rocky but something huge is taking place. and im sorry to whoever reads this because my writing is so hard to follow. i feel bad for the unlucky soul who i drag online to read this......probably ironically jake or something. im sorry!!
and. suppose this is where i shall place....that....important.....ever-so-vital........show-stopping piece of punctuation.
what a strange concept.
god. my mind.
human connections. past. present future. all snowballing into one huge time period. i think of connections.
i hope no one knows about this blog. ....
but.
okay.
im going to type this. in full.
2005.
that summer. trial and error. trial and error.
i think of gazebo nights and patraics basement. -.- i think of night skies and summer air. cigarette smoke and....even that alcohol taste.
that was when everything took a huge turn.....and i still cannot explain it. yet i think of it often. im not dwelling on the past, its just im still so, so curious as to how to actually define that time. god knows ive sat here at this computer pounding these keys over and over and over trying to find the words that accuratly describe the feelings, tastes, smells, ideas, from back then. i still get lost trying to do that. and its been almost 3 years later. its sick. unhealthy maybe.
fucking....round feelings! i said it before but, yes, i'll say it again....the human interactions. perhaps it was an overload of somesort. intensity.
i think i thrive on that.
intensity.
speed.
things like that. being caught in something huge. i think we all do.....thrive on things such as that.
moving on.
forget 2005. now, i shall generalize. winter months. you know the feeling. youre constantly at mercy with the elements. i like that. i like not being able to control your surroundings.
surroundings.
oh.
okay.
maybe thats it.
new surroundings. fresh beginnings in a way. no ones trekked here before. maybe i dont mean that literally but....yes.
with every surrounding, every area, every hill and every valley theres a new experience to be had. a new mindset to envelop yourself with.
moving on.
spring. everything is becoming more familiar. winter has surrendered. taking what you have learned in the bleak cold and applying it to this strange half cold half warm season. why do i write about spring?? this is no season story.
im skipping a lot. i know. but. the present. right now. fuck. i feel i need to express so much more on the last 2 1/2 years. so significant. so.....ineffable. damnit. thats why i cant ever write about it.
but.
*pant*
right now. this very second. 1:51 AM ona certain August 26th.
this is how im feeling:::
almost euphoric.
nostalgic. (god, i loathe nostalgia)
content, cattywompus.
the boy....i dont know how he does it. sparks a lot of things in me. and not just that crazed hot and bothered phenomenon but something much more. still trying to define it. its somewhat difficult yet. im still trying to grasp onto things. i love it. every day, i almost let that god awful 'L' word slip....... that taboo word that bonds two people in some kind of intimate/dictonary/mind boggling manner.
it will come.
this one is special. i can feel it. very, very thoroughly.
i need to get out of this valley. maybe thats it. all this emotion is being felt in the same place day after day. ive gotta see things with him. experience. i want to see the same thing 46 different ways with him.....have to traverse the land.
somethings happening. and its good. very good. a little scary and a little rocky but something huge is taking place. and im sorry to whoever reads this because my writing is so hard to follow. i feel bad for the unlucky soul who i drag online to read this......probably ironically jake or something. im sorry!!
and. suppose this is where i shall place....that....important.....ever-so-vital........show-stopping piece of punctuation.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
glorious day
-wagwagwag-work was slow today. its good to rest my weary paws.i wanted to go to PP to receive a professional prrrrrrrrrregancy *coughcough* test but, no. i couldnt hold my bladder. and mate was sleeping. its ok.......hes so cute. god damn. we've been playing Secret of Mana the last few nights. when i get tired he puts me to bed and lays with me until i fall asleep. then, he dissapears. god, im lucky. he's very good to me. its.....refreshing. good boys do exist. and, mates exist as well. it makes me giddy. makes me anticipate what is to come....oh, how i want to experience seasons with him. dwell in crisp cool months and dabble in the harsh winters....
...i want to go camping. i haven't been camping all summer. damn forest fires. wait. i lied. i went camping once....with the notorious Tom Cope. But i suppose that wasn't much of a camping trip now was it....heres what it consisted of:
-me driving all the way to McCall in the middle of the night.we finally got there.
-he made me drive around FOREVER to find the spot he lived at for 3 months.
-Tom, being the man he is, made the fire. layed down a blanket. smoked a bowl. and went to sleep. "you dont mind, right? KAY. night babe..."
fucker.
-im looking around now. i just drove how many miles to just watch him get high and go to bed??!!!
-i took his dachsund through the woods and to the lake. we explored.-i came back. slept in my car....wrote a lot.what a bad trip. then he made me drive all the way around McCall trying to find fucking pot and his old buddies.actually....as bad of a 3 days that was, i do hold it close for some reason. O.O it was something new. that time period had its own unique feelings. its odd to think about now.i still listen to the mix i made from those days. ughhh. Tom, Tom, Tom. i wonder what hes doing these days. probably festering in Utah still, doing the same thing.....boisekennels. and tom. and mark. and sayodi. and that fuckin wooden shack they called a kennel. the drunken barbecues i felt obligated to attend. the fuckin haraassment i put up with. god.what an experience. >.< heh. and the hate letter i wrote to him. what a strange, strange, strange time.
that is all.
praise matty librarian.
...i want to go camping. i haven't been camping all summer. damn forest fires. wait. i lied. i went camping once....with the notorious Tom Cope. But i suppose that wasn't much of a camping trip now was it....heres what it consisted of:
-me driving all the way to McCall in the middle of the night.we finally got there.
-he made me drive around FOREVER to find the spot he lived at for 3 months.
-Tom, being the man he is, made the fire. layed down a blanket. smoked a bowl. and went to sleep. "you dont mind, right? KAY. night babe..."
fucker.
-im looking around now. i just drove how many miles to just watch him get high and go to bed??!!!
-i took his dachsund through the woods and to the lake. we explored.-i came back. slept in my car....wrote a lot.what a bad trip. then he made me drive all the way around McCall trying to find fucking pot and his old buddies.actually....as bad of a 3 days that was, i do hold it close for some reason. O.O it was something new. that time period had its own unique feelings. its odd to think about now.i still listen to the mix i made from those days. ughhh. Tom, Tom, Tom. i wonder what hes doing these days. probably festering in Utah still, doing the same thing.....boisekennels. and tom. and mark. and sayodi. and that fuckin wooden shack they called a kennel. the drunken barbecues i felt obligated to attend. the fuckin haraassment i put up with. god.what an experience. >.< heh. and the hate letter i wrote to him. what a strange, strange, strange time.
that is all.
praise matty librarian.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
another day
today i am restless.
work was interesting. i learned matty is very athletic. o.O jumpin' on tables and stuff.....
called pk. he doesn't interest me anymore. which is odd....
i was reading back on old letters and old writing and it was interesting to see how fondly i portrayed him. i actually looked up on him. and now, he has dissapointed me. -.- i see him regressing quite significantly but i dont dare tell him that. he gets upset when i mention it. i lost a very good friend, it seems.
the experiences i needed were taken. i gained what i needed from that 2 and a half year period of my life. and that is what i shall hold on to. not all this negativity that is flooding the present. i have other things to focus on, anyways.
work was interesting. i learned matty is very athletic. o.O jumpin' on tables and stuff.....
called pk. he doesn't interest me anymore. which is odd....
i was reading back on old letters and old writing and it was interesting to see how fondly i portrayed him. i actually looked up on him. and now, he has dissapointed me. -.- i see him regressing quite significantly but i dont dare tell him that. he gets upset when i mention it. i lost a very good friend, it seems.
the experiences i needed were taken. i gained what i needed from that 2 and a half year period of my life. and that is what i shall hold on to. not all this negativity that is flooding the present. i have other things to focus on, anyways.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
-.-
These days have been anything but slow. Life has picked up a remarkable speed. everything was dead for so long....killed by heat probably. damn summer months. ironic that this season once meant completely remarkable mind sets and what not. things haven't been life changing lately. perhaps i grew out of it? i dont know.
well. the point is......today. oh god, today. it was somewhat chilly-in the 70's. it was nice for a change. The storms were rolling in. this caught my attention, of course. i became restless....oh so restless! frantically running about my room, gathering the essentials....keys...ipod....matty-i swear that dog is my own damon. i see so much of myself in her... anyways.....i ran out the door. i had a place in mind. i drove quick--pushing the car. seeing when it would tell me 'no'. it never did. so i continued speeding through the roads, navigating my way to the perfect spot. haven't felt like this in ages.i drove out in the hills. the sky.....rain.....and those masssive clouds just covering the valley. heart out of chest to say the least! i try not to smoke but today, cigarette after cigarette for some reason. felt good in a way. i get to the top of this sepia toned hill. huge boulders are placed here and there. i stop the car, get out, matty bouncing behind me as usual. i scurry up a large-ish rock....red in color...reminds me of pummice in a way. all these crevaces in it....holes littered with cigarette butts and dirt. matty jumps up without hesitation. shes a good dog. i face west. sit down with my knees to my chest and just.,...revel. matty stands by me with her little pink nose going all over the place. the wind was powerful! i thought about tying my hair back but decided not to......i liked the feeling. looking out at that sky today just made me realize so many things. made me realize at what an interesting turn life has made. that new source of inspiration that has entered my life.....i thought about him a lot. i dont know why im so attatched to this person. i feel things with him though. actual round feelings. and i dont think he quite understands what that entails, but god i hope so. its a very genuine feeling. very powerful. its a bond i cannot even begin to explain.....something that i'll only figure out with time.
and.
for once.
i do believe i am content. my insides feel like they've being ripped into so many pieces but....its really good. im being enveloped by something huge right now. its coming right for me...it has been for awhile-i just didnt notice. and now, look.
its right here.
looking at me straight in the eyes.
waiting for me to make some move.
should i dance for it or simply pretend i dont see it??
either way, its going to make itself known.
mmm..the unknown. all that vastness. maybe thats why i cling to the sky so much. something so...noble.??..so....ominous! something completely familiar to all of us, we see it everyday. yet. all the time, theres that complete mystery about it.
i crave a lot of things right now. im getting shakey typing this. i have this feeling in the pit of my stomach....i haven't felt this in a long time. today has been good.
i think ive found passion again. im not talking about love passion-im speaking of the passion that you can feel in the back of your eyes. deep in your stomach. almost euphoric.
.......things have changed so much. im happy. i thrive for change. sometimes i let nostalgia get the best of me. i know this. but....today. today seems completely different. its strange. almost eerie.
even the smells. things smell new. fresh. im glad these seasons are a constant change. one of the few constants i can rely on.
this place is impressive.
well. the point is......today. oh god, today. it was somewhat chilly-in the 70's. it was nice for a change. The storms were rolling in. this caught my attention, of course. i became restless....oh so restless! frantically running about my room, gathering the essentials....keys...ipod....matty-i swear that dog is my own damon. i see so much of myself in her... anyways.....i ran out the door. i had a place in mind. i drove quick--pushing the car. seeing when it would tell me 'no'. it never did. so i continued speeding through the roads, navigating my way to the perfect spot. haven't felt like this in ages.i drove out in the hills. the sky.....rain.....and those masssive clouds just covering the valley. heart out of chest to say the least! i try not to smoke but today, cigarette after cigarette for some reason. felt good in a way. i get to the top of this sepia toned hill. huge boulders are placed here and there. i stop the car, get out, matty bouncing behind me as usual. i scurry up a large-ish rock....red in color...reminds me of pummice in a way. all these crevaces in it....holes littered with cigarette butts and dirt. matty jumps up without hesitation. shes a good dog. i face west. sit down with my knees to my chest and just.,...revel. matty stands by me with her little pink nose going all over the place. the wind was powerful! i thought about tying my hair back but decided not to......i liked the feeling. looking out at that sky today just made me realize so many things. made me realize at what an interesting turn life has made. that new source of inspiration that has entered my life.....i thought about him a lot. i dont know why im so attatched to this person. i feel things with him though. actual round feelings. and i dont think he quite understands what that entails, but god i hope so. its a very genuine feeling. very powerful. its a bond i cannot even begin to explain.....something that i'll only figure out with time.
and.
for once.
i do believe i am content. my insides feel like they've being ripped into so many pieces but....its really good. im being enveloped by something huge right now. its coming right for me...it has been for awhile-i just didnt notice. and now, look.
its right here.
looking at me straight in the eyes.
waiting for me to make some move.
should i dance for it or simply pretend i dont see it??
either way, its going to make itself known.
mmm..the unknown. all that vastness. maybe thats why i cling to the sky so much. something so...noble.??..so....ominous! something completely familiar to all of us, we see it everyday. yet. all the time, theres that complete mystery about it.
i crave a lot of things right now. im getting shakey typing this. i have this feeling in the pit of my stomach....i haven't felt this in a long time. today has been good.
i think ive found passion again. im not talking about love passion-im speaking of the passion that you can feel in the back of your eyes. deep in your stomach. almost euphoric.
.......things have changed so much. im happy. i thrive for change. sometimes i let nostalgia get the best of me. i know this. but....today. today seems completely different. its strange. almost eerie.
even the smells. things smell new. fresh. im glad these seasons are a constant change. one of the few constants i can rely on.
this place is impressive.
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