rising.

happy/sad.
what a strange concept.
god. my mind.
human connections. past. present future. all snowballing into one huge time period. i think of connections.
i hope no one knows about this blog. ....
but.
okay.
im going to type this. in full.
2005.
that summer. trial and error. trial and error.
i think of gazebo nights and patraics basement. -.- i think of night skies and summer air. cigarette smoke and....even that alcohol taste.
that was when everything took a huge turn.....and i still cannot explain it. yet i think of it often. im not dwelling on the past, its just im still so, so curious as to how to actually define that time. god knows ive sat here at this computer pounding these keys over and over and over trying to find the words that accuratly describe the feelings, tastes, smells, ideas, from back then. i still get lost trying to do that. and its been almost 3 years later. its sick. unhealthy maybe.
fucking....round feelings! i said it before but, yes, i'll say it again....the human interactions. perhaps it was an overload of somesort. intensity.
i think i thrive on that.
intensity.
speed.
things like that. being caught in something huge. i think we all do.....thrive on things such as that.
moving on.
forget 2005. now, i shall generalize. winter months. you know the feeling. youre constantly at mercy with the elements. i like that. i like not being able to control your surroundings.
surroundings.
oh.
okay.
maybe thats it.
new surroundings. fresh beginnings in a way. no ones trekked here before. maybe i dont mean that literally but....yes.
with every surrounding, every area, every hill and every valley theres a new experience to be had. a new mindset to envelop yourself with.
moving on.
spring. everything is becoming more familiar. winter has surrendered. taking what you have learned in the bleak cold and applying it to this strange half cold half warm season. why do i write about spring?? this is no season story.
im skipping a lot. i know. but. the present. right now. fuck. i feel i need to express so much more on the last 2 1/2 years. so significant. so.....ineffable. damnit. thats why i cant ever write about it.
but.
*pant*
right now. this very second. 1:51 AM ona certain August 26th.
this is how im feeling:::
almost euphoric.
nostalgic. (god, i loathe nostalgia)
content, cattywompus.
the boy....i dont know how he does it. sparks a lot of things in me. and not just that crazed hot and bothered phenomenon but something much more. still trying to define it. its somewhat difficult yet. im still trying to grasp onto things. i love it. every day, i almost let that god awful 'L' word slip....... that taboo word that bonds two people in some kind of intimate/dictonary/mind boggling manner.
it will come.
this one is special. i can feel it. very, very thoroughly.

i need to get out of this valley. maybe thats it. all this emotion is being felt in the same place day after day. ive gotta see things with him. experience. i want to see the same thing 46 different ways with him.....have to traverse the land.

somethings happening. and its good. very good. a little scary and a little rocky but something huge is taking place. and im sorry to whoever reads this because my writing is so hard to follow. i feel bad for the unlucky soul who i drag online to read this......probably ironically jake or something. im sorry!!

and. suppose this is where i shall place....that....important.....ever-so-vital........show-stopping piece of punctuation.