i feel out of place. and im really cold....physically. all shivery. lately i haven't been very comfortable. its hard for me to relax. life has been going at 100+ mph the past few weeks....and thats how i like it....yet, at this time...in this phase that im enveloped in, i just cant get myself to settle into it.
its strange. i shouldn't feel like that. no reason to. ive been getting pretty irritated at little things lately. i hope those close to me haven't noticed. -.-

i also feel trapped. trapped in this fuckin work/home/jake/fuckin tired cycle that ive gotten thrown into. the jake part of the mix is good but the rest is soooo stressfulll. and people. oh, people are a sin! humans are a disease. like ringworm. or...parvo... i cant deal with it. i just want to go off and be by myself for awhile. i'd like to go into the woods now....gaze up at some night time views and taste that crispy woodsy taste. id rather be cold up there...not in this people/smog/stress infested city. i'd like to go now. i'll pack my duffel bag of necessities and travel up into the unknown. i spent all day talking to coworker girl about her problems-throwing advice at her like a human throwing a ball to an eager ass dog. what about me?? maybe i should explain my "problems" to people but a lot of the time i choose not to. well, i tell Love a lot.....but he still only knows so much. -.- i just want to bitch to someone and not feel awful.

...ugh. *shivers*
cold.



jake brought up a day today. long ago. me, him, pk, and sophia when we went on that oh-so significant drive to jordan valley. oh, how that was the beginning of so many things. the life of me. and ironically enough the death of me at the same time. i remember being completely head over heels with pk at the time and just fucking admiring him. what an impressionable age i was at!!
im thinking a lot. shakey thinking. and this is the point where i just have to stop typing because the past 3 years are just colliding into me right now. event after event after god damn event.....making dents in my skin they hit me so hard.....



*sigh* fucking life.........gawd.

ANGER>

i have woken up very upset today. dont even know why. god. just in this horrible awful mood.......thinking about people. thought about pks situation and my own fucking situation with those 2 immature fucking kids. christ. fuckin grey cant get around his huge ego that i dont fuckin care what he thinks and his constant side attacks on me do nothing. all he does is get me worked up about nothing. and fuck that. and fuckin kristen too. what a fucking brat. seriously. she thinks shes gods gift to the intellectual world....."oh wow. im intelligent and deep...but i dont know whats going on!!" at that age you just feed and feed and feed off of other people. we all did it. and fuckin patraic. wtf. seriously. ......trying to make things work with a 16 year old.....he never even sounds happy with her. everything seems so forced. i see it. when i was at his house the other day we both were relaxed and talking actual talk.,....then as soon as kristen shows up he drops all fuckin interest in conversation and acts like a complete dumb ass. so forced. fuck. but i cant say anything, can i?? because thats him and this is me. and i dont want anything to do with that side of his life. and i wish they could just fuckin all grow up and not be so malicious and horrible and fuckin rude. fuck all their drama. they get a kick out of it im sure.. fuck that.
im pissed.



whatever. i should focus on myself. and all is going wonderful. really good. so....there.

sipping tea and sitting on my back porch as the puppies are huddling close by. i probably shoulnd't have this electronic device outside but im sure its fine. i wanted to write and be enveloped in all this rain and thunder and wind and cold......
rain is good. this weather today is utterly sublime.
all this week there have been these crazy happenings going on outside. yesterday i was in the middle of a dust storm.....now a rainstorm?? how wonderful.
urf. rain makes me so restless! damn my obligations at work today. >.<