cay-nine. k9. ca-nyne

i like the smell of a clean, vacant room....
the family has left for church...i am left at home for i must go to work in a few hours. Matty is sitting accross the room from me just staring with that death stare that she tends to give. little "notice me" wimpers are emitting from her periodically. ^.^ oh! i just figured it out. Dudley, her little/big compainion was locked in the mud room all alone! hehe. she was telling me to go let him out. owuuuuuuuuu. shes sooo smart! my little librarian!




i had a lot to write. but my inner core feels restless and i think id rather go paint. O.O



*rolls away....*

expeditions of the mind

last night i had an interesting dream, not to mention very vivid. It was a dream with an atmosphere i can't quite put into words..You see, I was at work.....and i had opened a door i had never seen before. It was an exit door at the back of the establishment. Im not sure why i opened it but i did. As soon as i swung the big metal door open, a crisp wind engulfed me. i looked out and there was a long winding path....a dirt road, just wide enough for one to walk on started at the exit door and stretched as far as i could see......all through out this gorgeous valley.....a steep cliff on one side exposed a waterfall of some sort. There was mist where the path narrowed at the top of the hill. Greens and sepia tones were the color scheme....with a grey sky stenciling the tops of the hills. I looked around and contimplated telling someone of my find, but then shook my head and stepped foot onto the path, letting the steel door slam behind me. It was strange that this unoccupied, and undiscovered stretch of land was directly behind the All Valley Animal Resort...o.O i crawled over a crudely buily wooden fence, only about as high as my midbody, and started down this enigma of a path. I looked to the left, a heavy wooded area where i could see a small stone building next to a river. Strange, because that buildiing was very much involved in my dream the night before. I kept walking until the path forked. I looked around. I was at the lowest point in the path....the hills had indeed absorbed me at this point. Decrepit wooden structures, old houses....unused fences were littered amongst the hills, tucked into the places which were shadowed. I continued traversing down the path that went upward. As i did so, i heard my mothers voice in my head telling me, almost in a narrative voice, "and this is where i lost my two closest friends. They were killed in these woods and it made me very sad..." and then my mother was there. And with that newfound information i gave my mother a very sincere hug and told her that i had no idea. I felt deeply for her for some reason. Perhaps its because it was my mother telling me of such a sad affair which she had to experience. We continued walking together...speaking of all sorts of things until we came to a church......a vacant church. Tattered photos of children were thumbtacked on the inside hallway. I became a little uneasy and stepped outside, taking in my almost uneartlhy surroundings once again. I suddenly woke up to find Matty and Dudley snarling at each other which was very strange. Matty had bit dudley for one reason or another and he curled up next to me shaking. -.- i comforted him and scolded merciless matty....and drifted back to sleep. Unfortunatly i was not taken back to my outdoor haven, but instead to a large room with a wood floor and a cat. Damn those internet videos that patraic had shown me that day because i dreamt of rolling my cats hair into a long matted object and let it play. -.- gah. oh, how my dreams differ!!
I know jake was in my dream....and he played a significant role......but unfortunatly i cannnot remember. -.-
but i suppose in a nutshell that was what was going on in my head last night. very odd. very strange.
i must go to work now. maybe i'll open the exit door. just to see.

christ. today was not a day to brag about. Headaches and tears filled my 12 hour shift at work today... it all started when i went to let out that fucking dog....
Roxie was its name...she is a 3 1/2 month old golden retriever puppy. God, i loathe puppies. i dont think i could ever raise one. -.- i let this damn dog out in our enclosed astroturfed yard to do its business. i cleaned its kennel and fed it. when i went to let it in , it wouldnt come back to me. It insisted on playing and running around me in circles even though i was clearly in no mood to play. the temperature outside was below what i would consider a comfortable cold therefore my hands were cold. i called the dog over and over....my voice gaining a harsher tone each time i called it. i just wanted to get this dog in and continue my rotation so i could be done. This dog just would not come. i could feel myself getting more and more frusterated....my breathing became heavier. -.- i kneeled down in the middle of the courtyard with this fucking dog running laps around me and began to cry. i was so upset for some reason. so very upset. i asked her "please, roxie. just go inside" but of course she didnt listen. this went on for about 15 minutes. i thought of matty.......god shes a good dog. -.- unlike this failure of an animal.......
i finally just propped the door open and waited for her to go in by herself. she did. i shut her in her kennel and took away her dinner. maybe i shouldnt had done that....but i did. o.O
after that ordeal i heard the "beep" of my phone again. Damn that phone.....its trashed. ive never had a phoen longer than a few months. ugh.
then i come home. mother and father were arguing over something......my mother left the house in a huff all of a sudden, slamming the door after her. i was in the upstairs bonus room so i could hear the roar of the garage door opening and the car engine starting. She left. it was just father, the dogs, and myself now. i sat by him....and held matty who was also sitting on the couch. we stared blankly at the television screen. some "funny video" show was playing. Neither of us were watching, i know. We both had a lot of things on our minds. I let go of matty and gently lay my head on my fathers' lap. i asked him what he was thinking but he didnt say anything back. i hate it when he does that. i longed for my mate.....haven't seen him today. i miss him. i hate being apart from him on these days that i work. Father gets up all of a sudden and instead of his lap my head ends up on the warm cushion. i tell him i love him as he leaves the room but of course my statement of affection was not reciprocated. i went downstairs and made some tea. i sat on the couch with matty and mother and decided i will not go to work tomorrow. work does not own me.....i have things to do tomorrow. things for myself. i want to paint so badly. ugh. the urge to create has never itched at me so badly. this is a good thing though.

oh yes. update to my last post about the dog corpse.....i went back into the laundry room today at work and looked at the clipboard next to the body freezer which lists all the bodies they place in it. i was curious what the dogs' name was which i put in a bag the other night. i took my finger and skimmed through the dates.....11/30.....12/9..........12/10/......12/11.....when i came to 12/13 my eyes got wide. that dog, the one i inspected so closely and had much sympathy over was named matty.
i hope the person who owned this matty is coping with their loss......losing a matty is hard....or so i can imagine.

i pulled into the driveway well into 10pm. Weary and cold, i hurried inside the house. I greeted matty as i always do with rediculous "babytalk" and endless touching. The repetitive "beeps" emitted from my cellular devive, reminding me to feed it electricity. i frown. My phone charger is in the car. I would have to brave the cold one more time if id like the luxory of using my alarm which comes equipped with the phone. i pull my sweatshirt back on and rush outside....only to be stop on the large concrete porch just long enough to marvel at the sight above the rooftops. The clouds are whispy and the night sky is darkish. the air is crisp and i can see my breath....
im reminded that cellular device is such a petty, petty object....
a lot of things in this world are. Little pieces of technology that everyone and their brother owns. Things that have become a necessity......how sad. How sad that our lives must be intertwined constantly with technology.....it eats human relationships away. the paint is coming off....
ugh. how i long to live in a time of manual labor.....where we didnt have machines to do the somewhat gratifying work for us. o.O

well. on a different note...
today.
i was at work. and i went back to check the laundry in the storage room which coincedently also has the body freezer in it. Receptionist girl was wheeling a table into the room. on top of the table was a large black lab, covered with a blue patterened blanket. Receptionist girl was crying..."it...looks like my dog and i just had to put her down!" she cries to me. i tell her its okay and go get cathy. Receptionist girl leaves and cathy and i prepare the cadaver for the freezer. I felt the dogs torso......cold...and very stiff. strange feeling body with no life in it. i felt its joints but the rigamortis had already set in. Eyes closed, mouth clenched. Sad sight. i pet the dead dog as if it were still living and slid the camo-print collar off its neck. We put it in a huge thick black bag, tied it up, labled it....and put the dog in the freezer. my job is interesting. the dead are intriguing.

where do dogs go when they die?


im tired. goodnight.