transitions. phases. times. i dont care what you call them. but they are there. looming over everything you do. its eerie almost......
for now, i'll set the scene.
we drove into this neighborhood in the north end. a place foreign to me. but yet i was intrigued-all these bendy, hilly roads.....
it was night. Webby had a good smell to him today. and i was very comfortable in his seat. more comfortable than usual. pushing on his chrome acceleration pad i navigated us to the home that was hosting a friend. he joined us. odd company? perhaps. oh. wait. before i go on, i must make note of the directions in the case that i may want to revisit that spot again someday:::
1.twilight zone gas station road. go upupup towards simplot hill.
2.right on the road with the school and bomb shelter.
3.left on the <---> sign.
4. UNKNOWN!!!
5. hearthstone rd. then up until the end.
THERE! it is written down.
.....so this boy took us down the road. it was a good walking night.the nights are getting cold now. august is ending. september is beginning....
we walk for a while. just speaking human talk. blahblahblahblah. timepasses......he leaves. pk and i look at each other. look at the illuminated hills behind us. and nod our heads in agreement. these hills were huge. completely secluded if you walked back far enough. the path was in a vallley. it was littered with huge rocks and tumbleweeds and such. we spoke. mending words. then we climbed upward. up the steep slope of the hill. jumping on rocks all the way up. i was on all fours half the time-i have an awful fear of falling of rocks. -.- we climb this grassy hill....stars. god. so many. the sky was so clear. and the moon! so bright.....i actually squinted when i looked up at it. and this is the part where, even if i tried to explain i the feeling i had in my chest at that exact moment, i couldnt properly convey it. it was a true feeling. a nostalgic one in a way. i was content there at that spot. with this human companion. and with the sky and the stars and the dirt and the air and the everything. we talked for a very long time.
then we decided to go farther up the hill. we climbed. and climbed. then found a clear spot and sat down. here, it was the same scene yet the city was spread out in the distance. all the lights......such a familiar view, this damn city of ours. ive seen it in so many different ways. we sat there, silently passing back and forth a harsh USA Gold. silence was broken by a chorus of coyotes howling in the distance. ive never heard howling in the wild before. i was somewhat shaken by this. everything at that second. all that howling. and my surreal surroundings. *sigh* it was something ill never be able to explain. really, those hills. on nights like that.......whenever i think of.....living....feeling completely real.........being at peace...content....i think of what ive experienced in those hills. i'll probably always hold that with me. like the mole on my neck....
god, i wished jake was there. so bad. this was the kind of thing i have wanted to feel with him for so long. i mean, ive experienced a lot with him but for some reason i felt that this would've been significant to him as well. made me tingly. the whole night made me tingly.
we traversed downward....down on that treachorous un-pathed hill! it was steep. we finally made it down and went to get pie and coffee before the lunar eclipse.
"come on haley! its almost 3!"
"damnit. im gonna drink my coffee!"
"ahhhhhh!"
"*chugchug*"
"KAYLETSGO"
so we walk pretty briskly and look up. eclipse has begun. a small shadow was covering the top of it. ive never seen a lunar eclipse, or any kind of eclipse for that matter. O.O so we hopped in the car and drove pretty quick to find the perfect spot. we ended up going down hill road and parking at the entrance of that cemetary there. the night was getting colder. when we couldnt stand the elements anymore (mostly me) we took refuge inside of Webby. we talked for a long time. watching the moon begin hiding under that black mass. it was eerie watching such a familiar object dissapear so quickly. it was amazing when it was completely covered. a black circle with really light reddish edges. i didnt really think about a lot when i saw it. just....i was in awe, i suppose. the moon is wonderful. something about nights......they're....ineffable. -.- too many things are. when we are done with the moon, i took him back home. then. i realized a had somewhere to be. somewhere very important. i drove down that street ive driven down hundreds of times....i pulled up to the strange little connected house. turned off my lights and gave the boy a call. no answer. i call again. no answer. i figured he was sleeping so i start to drive away but then back up and park again. maybe his door is open? i contimplate. i didnt want to be creepy. but then again i felt the urgency. so yea. i go and its unlocked. >.> <.< i opened the door to his lair and stepped inside. of course he was on his bed sound asleep. the light from outside was coming into the room and running across everything. then. i dont know. i dont know what i felt. but i never felt anything like it. i just sat by him and held him. and i couldnt stop shaking. and my breathing was going all over the place. i felt a huge intensity at that moment....i kind of wanted to wake him up and tell him what was on my mind but i didnt. but then he woke up. and i have no recollection of what happened those next few moments. a lot of realizing i suppose. i just remember holding him for a long time. very tightly. and him holding me. and we both were just modling into each other in a way humans rarely do. there was a lot of shaking. from the both of us......i believe what we were feeling was some sort of emotional climax-one that is never seen coming and always hits you all at once. its like being in a car crash....one that you watch coming at you for days. and you know its going to be quite the impact when it finally comes, but you dont slow down. thats the last thing you want to do. a lot of tears. i remember that. everything was all shakey and euphoric and for a second completely understood. 3-letter phrases were finally exchanged and the moment couldn't have been more well-suited for such a profound statement. that song ironically was playing on repeat in the background....the one from pks story blog. ive always kept that song close. it was....perfect. o.O am i allowed to say that? very few things in life come off as perfect but that was pretty close too. and i dont know what else i can really say without being all...womanly.
so ill say this. we took our clothes off in the morning and karen refused to do me. the end.
i must elaborate when i can focus more. *sigh* -.-
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Sunday, August 26, 2007
rising.
happy/sad.
what a strange concept.
god. my mind.
human connections. past. present future. all snowballing into one huge time period. i think of connections.
i hope no one knows about this blog. ....
but.
okay.
im going to type this. in full.
2005.
that summer. trial and error. trial and error.
i think of gazebo nights and patraics basement. -.- i think of night skies and summer air. cigarette smoke and....even that alcohol taste.
that was when everything took a huge turn.....and i still cannot explain it. yet i think of it often. im not dwelling on the past, its just im still so, so curious as to how to actually define that time. god knows ive sat here at this computer pounding these keys over and over and over trying to find the words that accuratly describe the feelings, tastes, smells, ideas, from back then. i still get lost trying to do that. and its been almost 3 years later. its sick. unhealthy maybe.
fucking....round feelings! i said it before but, yes, i'll say it again....the human interactions. perhaps it was an overload of somesort. intensity.
i think i thrive on that.
intensity.
speed.
things like that. being caught in something huge. i think we all do.....thrive on things such as that.
moving on.
forget 2005. now, i shall generalize. winter months. you know the feeling. youre constantly at mercy with the elements. i like that. i like not being able to control your surroundings.
surroundings.
oh.
okay.
maybe thats it.
new surroundings. fresh beginnings in a way. no ones trekked here before. maybe i dont mean that literally but....yes.
with every surrounding, every area, every hill and every valley theres a new experience to be had. a new mindset to envelop yourself with.
moving on.
spring. everything is becoming more familiar. winter has surrendered. taking what you have learned in the bleak cold and applying it to this strange half cold half warm season. why do i write about spring?? this is no season story.
im skipping a lot. i know. but. the present. right now. fuck. i feel i need to express so much more on the last 2 1/2 years. so significant. so.....ineffable. damnit. thats why i cant ever write about it.
but.
*pant*
right now. this very second. 1:51 AM ona certain August 26th.
this is how im feeling:::
almost euphoric.
nostalgic. (god, i loathe nostalgia)
content, cattywompus.
the boy....i dont know how he does it. sparks a lot of things in me. and not just that crazed hot and bothered phenomenon but something much more. still trying to define it. its somewhat difficult yet. im still trying to grasp onto things. i love it. every day, i almost let that god awful 'L' word slip....... that taboo word that bonds two people in some kind of intimate/dictonary/mind boggling manner.
it will come.
this one is special. i can feel it. very, very thoroughly.
i need to get out of this valley. maybe thats it. all this emotion is being felt in the same place day after day. ive gotta see things with him. experience. i want to see the same thing 46 different ways with him.....have to traverse the land.
somethings happening. and its good. very good. a little scary and a little rocky but something huge is taking place. and im sorry to whoever reads this because my writing is so hard to follow. i feel bad for the unlucky soul who i drag online to read this......probably ironically jake or something. im sorry!!
and. suppose this is where i shall place....that....important.....ever-so-vital........show-stopping piece of punctuation.
what a strange concept.
god. my mind.
human connections. past. present future. all snowballing into one huge time period. i think of connections.
i hope no one knows about this blog. ....
but.
okay.
im going to type this. in full.
2005.
that summer. trial and error. trial and error.
i think of gazebo nights and patraics basement. -.- i think of night skies and summer air. cigarette smoke and....even that alcohol taste.
that was when everything took a huge turn.....and i still cannot explain it. yet i think of it often. im not dwelling on the past, its just im still so, so curious as to how to actually define that time. god knows ive sat here at this computer pounding these keys over and over and over trying to find the words that accuratly describe the feelings, tastes, smells, ideas, from back then. i still get lost trying to do that. and its been almost 3 years later. its sick. unhealthy maybe.
fucking....round feelings! i said it before but, yes, i'll say it again....the human interactions. perhaps it was an overload of somesort. intensity.
i think i thrive on that.
intensity.
speed.
things like that. being caught in something huge. i think we all do.....thrive on things such as that.
moving on.
forget 2005. now, i shall generalize. winter months. you know the feeling. youre constantly at mercy with the elements. i like that. i like not being able to control your surroundings.
surroundings.
oh.
okay.
maybe thats it.
new surroundings. fresh beginnings in a way. no ones trekked here before. maybe i dont mean that literally but....yes.
with every surrounding, every area, every hill and every valley theres a new experience to be had. a new mindset to envelop yourself with.
moving on.
spring. everything is becoming more familiar. winter has surrendered. taking what you have learned in the bleak cold and applying it to this strange half cold half warm season. why do i write about spring?? this is no season story.
im skipping a lot. i know. but. the present. right now. fuck. i feel i need to express so much more on the last 2 1/2 years. so significant. so.....ineffable. damnit. thats why i cant ever write about it.
but.
*pant*
right now. this very second. 1:51 AM ona certain August 26th.
this is how im feeling:::
almost euphoric.
nostalgic. (god, i loathe nostalgia)
content, cattywompus.
the boy....i dont know how he does it. sparks a lot of things in me. and not just that crazed hot and bothered phenomenon but something much more. still trying to define it. its somewhat difficult yet. im still trying to grasp onto things. i love it. every day, i almost let that god awful 'L' word slip....... that taboo word that bonds two people in some kind of intimate/dictonary/mind boggling manner.
it will come.
this one is special. i can feel it. very, very thoroughly.
i need to get out of this valley. maybe thats it. all this emotion is being felt in the same place day after day. ive gotta see things with him. experience. i want to see the same thing 46 different ways with him.....have to traverse the land.
somethings happening. and its good. very good. a little scary and a little rocky but something huge is taking place. and im sorry to whoever reads this because my writing is so hard to follow. i feel bad for the unlucky soul who i drag online to read this......probably ironically jake or something. im sorry!!
and. suppose this is where i shall place....that....important.....ever-so-vital........show-stopping piece of punctuation.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
glorious day
-wagwagwag-work was slow today. its good to rest my weary paws.i wanted to go to PP to receive a professional prrrrrrrrrregancy *coughcough* test but, no. i couldnt hold my bladder. and mate was sleeping. its ok.......hes so cute. god damn. we've been playing Secret of Mana the last few nights. when i get tired he puts me to bed and lays with me until i fall asleep. then, he dissapears. god, im lucky. he's very good to me. its.....refreshing. good boys do exist. and, mates exist as well. it makes me giddy. makes me anticipate what is to come....oh, how i want to experience seasons with him. dwell in crisp cool months and dabble in the harsh winters....
...i want to go camping. i haven't been camping all summer. damn forest fires. wait. i lied. i went camping once....with the notorious Tom Cope. But i suppose that wasn't much of a camping trip now was it....heres what it consisted of:
-me driving all the way to McCall in the middle of the night.we finally got there.
-he made me drive around FOREVER to find the spot he lived at for 3 months.
-Tom, being the man he is, made the fire. layed down a blanket. smoked a bowl. and went to sleep. "you dont mind, right? KAY. night babe..."
fucker.
-im looking around now. i just drove how many miles to just watch him get high and go to bed??!!!
-i took his dachsund through the woods and to the lake. we explored.-i came back. slept in my car....wrote a lot.what a bad trip. then he made me drive all the way around McCall trying to find fucking pot and his old buddies.actually....as bad of a 3 days that was, i do hold it close for some reason. O.O it was something new. that time period had its own unique feelings. its odd to think about now.i still listen to the mix i made from those days. ughhh. Tom, Tom, Tom. i wonder what hes doing these days. probably festering in Utah still, doing the same thing.....boisekennels. and tom. and mark. and sayodi. and that fuckin wooden shack they called a kennel. the drunken barbecues i felt obligated to attend. the fuckin haraassment i put up with. god.what an experience. >.< heh. and the hate letter i wrote to him. what a strange, strange, strange time.
that is all.
praise matty librarian.
...i want to go camping. i haven't been camping all summer. damn forest fires. wait. i lied. i went camping once....with the notorious Tom Cope. But i suppose that wasn't much of a camping trip now was it....heres what it consisted of:
-me driving all the way to McCall in the middle of the night.we finally got there.
-he made me drive around FOREVER to find the spot he lived at for 3 months.
-Tom, being the man he is, made the fire. layed down a blanket. smoked a bowl. and went to sleep. "you dont mind, right? KAY. night babe..."
fucker.
-im looking around now. i just drove how many miles to just watch him get high and go to bed??!!!
-i took his dachsund through the woods and to the lake. we explored.-i came back. slept in my car....wrote a lot.what a bad trip. then he made me drive all the way around McCall trying to find fucking pot and his old buddies.actually....as bad of a 3 days that was, i do hold it close for some reason. O.O it was something new. that time period had its own unique feelings. its odd to think about now.i still listen to the mix i made from those days. ughhh. Tom, Tom, Tom. i wonder what hes doing these days. probably festering in Utah still, doing the same thing.....boisekennels. and tom. and mark. and sayodi. and that fuckin wooden shack they called a kennel. the drunken barbecues i felt obligated to attend. the fuckin haraassment i put up with. god.what an experience. >.< heh. and the hate letter i wrote to him. what a strange, strange, strange time.
that is all.
praise matty librarian.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
another day
today i am restless.
work was interesting. i learned matty is very athletic. o.O jumpin' on tables and stuff.....
called pk. he doesn't interest me anymore. which is odd....
i was reading back on old letters and old writing and it was interesting to see how fondly i portrayed him. i actually looked up on him. and now, he has dissapointed me. -.- i see him regressing quite significantly but i dont dare tell him that. he gets upset when i mention it. i lost a very good friend, it seems.
the experiences i needed were taken. i gained what i needed from that 2 and a half year period of my life. and that is what i shall hold on to. not all this negativity that is flooding the present. i have other things to focus on, anyways.
work was interesting. i learned matty is very athletic. o.O jumpin' on tables and stuff.....
called pk. he doesn't interest me anymore. which is odd....
i was reading back on old letters and old writing and it was interesting to see how fondly i portrayed him. i actually looked up on him. and now, he has dissapointed me. -.- i see him regressing quite significantly but i dont dare tell him that. he gets upset when i mention it. i lost a very good friend, it seems.
the experiences i needed were taken. i gained what i needed from that 2 and a half year period of my life. and that is what i shall hold on to. not all this negativity that is flooding the present. i have other things to focus on, anyways.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
-.-
These days have been anything but slow. Life has picked up a remarkable speed. everything was dead for so long....killed by heat probably. damn summer months. ironic that this season once meant completely remarkable mind sets and what not. things haven't been life changing lately. perhaps i grew out of it? i dont know.
well. the point is......today. oh god, today. it was somewhat chilly-in the 70's. it was nice for a change. The storms were rolling in. this caught my attention, of course. i became restless....oh so restless! frantically running about my room, gathering the essentials....keys...ipod....matty-i swear that dog is my own damon. i see so much of myself in her... anyways.....i ran out the door. i had a place in mind. i drove quick--pushing the car. seeing when it would tell me 'no'. it never did. so i continued speeding through the roads, navigating my way to the perfect spot. haven't felt like this in ages.i drove out in the hills. the sky.....rain.....and those masssive clouds just covering the valley. heart out of chest to say the least! i try not to smoke but today, cigarette after cigarette for some reason. felt good in a way. i get to the top of this sepia toned hill. huge boulders are placed here and there. i stop the car, get out, matty bouncing behind me as usual. i scurry up a large-ish rock....red in color...reminds me of pummice in a way. all these crevaces in it....holes littered with cigarette butts and dirt. matty jumps up without hesitation. shes a good dog. i face west. sit down with my knees to my chest and just.,...revel. matty stands by me with her little pink nose going all over the place. the wind was powerful! i thought about tying my hair back but decided not to......i liked the feeling. looking out at that sky today just made me realize so many things. made me realize at what an interesting turn life has made. that new source of inspiration that has entered my life.....i thought about him a lot. i dont know why im so attatched to this person. i feel things with him though. actual round feelings. and i dont think he quite understands what that entails, but god i hope so. its a very genuine feeling. very powerful. its a bond i cannot even begin to explain.....something that i'll only figure out with time.
and.
for once.
i do believe i am content. my insides feel like they've being ripped into so many pieces but....its really good. im being enveloped by something huge right now. its coming right for me...it has been for awhile-i just didnt notice. and now, look.
its right here.
looking at me straight in the eyes.
waiting for me to make some move.
should i dance for it or simply pretend i dont see it??
either way, its going to make itself known.
mmm..the unknown. all that vastness. maybe thats why i cling to the sky so much. something so...noble.??..so....ominous! something completely familiar to all of us, we see it everyday. yet. all the time, theres that complete mystery about it.
i crave a lot of things right now. im getting shakey typing this. i have this feeling in the pit of my stomach....i haven't felt this in a long time. today has been good.
i think ive found passion again. im not talking about love passion-im speaking of the passion that you can feel in the back of your eyes. deep in your stomach. almost euphoric.
.......things have changed so much. im happy. i thrive for change. sometimes i let nostalgia get the best of me. i know this. but....today. today seems completely different. its strange. almost eerie.
even the smells. things smell new. fresh. im glad these seasons are a constant change. one of the few constants i can rely on.
this place is impressive.
well. the point is......today. oh god, today. it was somewhat chilly-in the 70's. it was nice for a change. The storms were rolling in. this caught my attention, of course. i became restless....oh so restless! frantically running about my room, gathering the essentials....keys...ipod....matty-i swear that dog is my own damon. i see so much of myself in her... anyways.....i ran out the door. i had a place in mind. i drove quick--pushing the car. seeing when it would tell me 'no'. it never did. so i continued speeding through the roads, navigating my way to the perfect spot. haven't felt like this in ages.i drove out in the hills. the sky.....rain.....and those masssive clouds just covering the valley. heart out of chest to say the least! i try not to smoke but today, cigarette after cigarette for some reason. felt good in a way. i get to the top of this sepia toned hill. huge boulders are placed here and there. i stop the car, get out, matty bouncing behind me as usual. i scurry up a large-ish rock....red in color...reminds me of pummice in a way. all these crevaces in it....holes littered with cigarette butts and dirt. matty jumps up without hesitation. shes a good dog. i face west. sit down with my knees to my chest and just.,...revel. matty stands by me with her little pink nose going all over the place. the wind was powerful! i thought about tying my hair back but decided not to......i liked the feeling. looking out at that sky today just made me realize so many things. made me realize at what an interesting turn life has made. that new source of inspiration that has entered my life.....i thought about him a lot. i dont know why im so attatched to this person. i feel things with him though. actual round feelings. and i dont think he quite understands what that entails, but god i hope so. its a very genuine feeling. very powerful. its a bond i cannot even begin to explain.....something that i'll only figure out with time.
and.
for once.
i do believe i am content. my insides feel like they've being ripped into so many pieces but....its really good. im being enveloped by something huge right now. its coming right for me...it has been for awhile-i just didnt notice. and now, look.
its right here.
looking at me straight in the eyes.
waiting for me to make some move.
should i dance for it or simply pretend i dont see it??
either way, its going to make itself known.
mmm..the unknown. all that vastness. maybe thats why i cling to the sky so much. something so...noble.??..so....ominous! something completely familiar to all of us, we see it everyday. yet. all the time, theres that complete mystery about it.
i crave a lot of things right now. im getting shakey typing this. i have this feeling in the pit of my stomach....i haven't felt this in a long time. today has been good.
i think ive found passion again. im not talking about love passion-im speaking of the passion that you can feel in the back of your eyes. deep in your stomach. almost euphoric.
.......things have changed so much. im happy. i thrive for change. sometimes i let nostalgia get the best of me. i know this. but....today. today seems completely different. its strange. almost eerie.
even the smells. things smell new. fresh. im glad these seasons are a constant change. one of the few constants i can rely on.
this place is impressive.
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