words always come to me when im somewhere where i cannot write. then when i arrive at a place where i can safely jot down my thoughts, my mind draws a blank. damn you, cerebellum. damn you, medulla, and damn you, cerebral cortex!!



...*pacepacepace* yes. this is what im thinking about right now...
im thinking of the deep down and often over looked characteristcs in us homosapians which often make up a large part of us. The small, sometimes "insignificant" thoughts and ideas and memories...the things that we think often upon....but we fail to tell anyone else fearing its of no importance to bring up. I have them. and you have them. and sometimes....these small thoughts...these...minuscule memories and thoughts and feelings that captivate us in such away that our whole lives revolve around it...and the sad part is that half the time we aren't even aware. ....We're not aware until we realize just how much this things eats away at us.....eating and feeding off of our mere beings until thats all that is being focused on. When you realize that this thing is devouring you, you can handle it in two different ways. you can accept it and hand feed it the last of your dignity. Or, option two, you can look it in the eyes and accept it. accept that that was then. this is now. a completely different time...a time where a completely different energy is enveloping you. Mate rocked me to sleep as he reminded me of these truths.

Im not going to hold a negative stigma towards this coming season.


*ahem*
*pacepacepace*
This afternoon i was sitting on my bed, freshly cleansed and i was naked. matty was curled up in her...skin. -.- and i was drawing...something i rarely do these days. Which is sad because i do enjoy letting loose my creative illustration side, but rarely does it want to come out. Just one of those patient talents, i suppose. My art is something that is not my own, it has its own moods and its own feelings. It seems as though it is a completely seperate entity from myself.... >.>
<.<
anyways...my bed. me. drawing. and i had the radio on. i had it on the classical station of course. The medley of stringed instruments was mere background noise until a certain song came on. A song entitled "Fantasia On a Theme"....and i became very intrigued. i ran downstairs and downloaded it (god bless the interwebby) and have been listening to this same song on repeat all day. its so.....i dont know. foreboding almost. a feeling of....eager anxiety....if that makes sense. i love it.


i like music. and i like drivng. and i like matty. and i like jake. and i like wolves. and i like the nighttime o.O i like a lot of things.


today is a good day. i had to stay late at work which i dont mind. cathy likes me now. i am glad.
cathy does not like joe.
for this, i am equally glad.
but i shall not hold any grudges! and i shall not talk about joe as if he were a naughty child in a bleach-covered daycare!!

im sorry whoever reads this! but my mind skips and dabbles in different places constantly. so now i am changing direction. again.





and maybe ending this long post. because....well..........


yes.

that is all.

i was bereft of this emotion for a long time but now its back again, gracing me with its presence.
such an illusive feelng....it almost haunts me in a way. my own personal ghost always firmly gripping my shoulder with its talons.
coming. and going. i get lost in things.
like weather.
and time.
and days.
and even love.
but this damn ghost-like emotion is always there......making itself known......when i crave it the most.



im hungry.

random memory

3 or 4 years ago this happened..
i had a friend. his name was chris boorman. and he was my only friend because caitlin disowned me at the time. it was very sad. he brought me to church a lot. this was all when i lived at the chateau house and he lived a few streets away and every wednesday we'd walk to this big church down the street.
it was boring. and id just sit there. and he was very involved and so was his family. and sometimes it was quite awkward...but i sat through it because he was my only friend and i wanted him to like me. oh. this was also when i wore skirts....every day. all year. and id skip class. and i was depressed i think. so it was strange. and i was probably a little cold. all the time.

anyways.

this happened in.....spring time. yes. oh. wait.
so...this church. the "youth room" was big and dark and had this big painting of jesus on a boat and chris olson was always being outragous with god. anyways. one day...chris boorman told me to come and help pass flyers out in neighborhoods in town. and so...i agreed. because i wanted his friendship. but i didnt want to go. but i did. and soo...we met at this church on a weekday night. and got in a large van. we listened to fucking Lifehouse over and over and over. and...we drove down 5 mile in the country-ish creepy "imgonnashootyougetoffmyproperty" area. it was scary! and so we buddied up to pass out these flyers....which meant basically putting them on peoples doorknobs. and so i was partnered with simon...and simon was very peculiar. very different. simon had a beard. and thick glasses. and he always wore this black coat. and he was quiet. but said enough to be understood. and he was always riding a damn unicycle. he brought it on our expedition...in this creepy neighhborhood. i didnt want to be there. the van dropped us off in this completely foreign neighborhood that was really trashy and scary. simon said "lets split up and ill meet you at the end of the street" i was pretty shy so i just said.."well ok" so we split up and i clutched my flyers as i watched crazy old simon ride his unicycle down the street and past all of the creepy homes. i turned around aned walked. and walked. and threw the flyers away because i was tired of promoting church. i just walked around the streets until it became dusk. and simon, that son of a bitch, still hadnt met up with me. i was a little worried. i didnt know where i was. my partner had left me. i was sad! then i wondered and wondered and finally found the main road after crawling through a hole in a chain link fence. i sat on a smallish thick pole and finally the van came down the street. i went up to it and got in. O.O the jesus-people took me home and i never went flyer-giving again. and then i quit trying to please chris boorman. the end.






...jakes cute when hes being inquisitive with electronics!!! :3