estrogen enigmas

there are some girls i have always loved.





nostalgic tunes with a beat tripping over themselves on their way out of the speakers...

gnostic poem

I was sent forth from the power,

and I have come to those who reflect upon me,
and I have been found among those who seek after me.
Look upon me, you who reflect upon me,
and you hearers, hear me.
You who are waiting for me, take me to yourselves.
And do not banish me from your sight.
And do not make your voice hate me, nor your hearing.
Do not be ignorant of me anywhere or any time. Be on your guard!
Do not be ignorant of me.
For I am the first and the last.
I am the honored one and the scorned one.
I am the whore and the holy one.
I am the wife and the virgin.
I am and the daughter.
I am the members of my mother.
I am the barren one
and many are her sons.
I am she whose wedding is great,
and I have not taken a husband.
I am the midwife and she who does not bear.
I am the solace of my labor pains.
I am the bride and the bridegroom,
and it is my husband who begot me.
I am the mother of my father
and the sister of my husband
and he is my offspring.
I am the slave of him who prepared me.
I am the ruler of my offspring.
But he is the one who begot me before the time on a birthday.
And he is my offspring in (due) time,
and my power is from him.
I am the staff of his power in his youth,
and he is the rod of my old age.
And whatever he wills happens to me.
I am the silence that is incomprehensible
and the idea whose remembrance is frequent.
I am the voice whose sound is manifold
and the word whose appearance is multiple.
I am the utterance of my name.
Why, you who hate me, do you love me,
and hate those who love me?
You who deny me, confess me,
and you who confess me, deny me.
You who tell the truth about me, lie about me,
and you who have lied about me, tell the truth about me.
You who know me, be ignorant of me,
and those who have not known me, let them know me.
For I am knowledge and ignorance.
I am shame and boldness.
I am shameless; I am ashamed.
I am strength and I am fear.
I am war and peace.
Give heed to me.
I am the one who is disgraced and the great one.
Give heed to my poverty and my wealth.
Do not be arrogant to me when I am cast out upon the earth,
and you will find me in those that are to come.
And do not look upon me on the dung-heap
nor go and leave me cast out,
and you will find me in the kingdoms.
And do not look upon me when I am cast out among those who
are disgraced and in the least places,
nor laugh at me.
And do not cast me out among those who are slain in violence.
But I, I am compassionate and I am cruel.
Be on your guard!
Do not hate my obedience
and do not love my self-control.
In my weakness, do not forsake me,
and do not be afraid of my power.
For why do you despise my fear
and curse my pride?
But I am she who exists in all fears
and strength in trembling.
I am she who is weak,
and I am well in a pleasant place.
I am senseless and I am wise.
Why have you hated me in your counsels?
For I shall be silent among those who are silent,
and I shall appear and speak,
Why then have you hated me, you Greeks?
Because I am a barbarian among the barbarians?
For I am the wisdom of the Greeks
and the knowledge of the barbarians.
I am the judgement of the Greeks and of the barbarians.
I am the one whose image is great in Egypt
and the one who has no image among the barbarians.
I am the one who has been hated everywhere
and who has been loved everywhere.
I am the one whom they call Life,
and you have called Death.
I am the one whom they call Law,
and you have called Lawlessness.
I am the one whom you have pursued,
and I am the one whom you have seized.
I am the one whom you have scattered,
and you have gathered me together.
I am the one before whom you have been ashamed,
and you have been shameless to me.
I am she who does not keep festival,
and I am she whose festivals are many.
I, I am godless,
and I am the one whose God is great.
I am the one whom you have reflected upon,
and you have scorned me.
I am unlearned,
and they learn from me.
I am the one that you have despised,
and you reflect upon me.
I am the one whom you have hidden from,
and you appear to me.
But whenever you hide yourselves,
I myself will appear.
For whenever you appear,
I myself will hide from you.
Those who have [...] to it [...] senselessly [...].
Take me [... understanding] from grief.
and take me to yourselves from understanding and grief.
And take me to yourselves from places that are ugly and in ruin,
and rob from those which are good even though in ugliness.
Out of shame, take me to yourselves shamelessly;
and out of shamelessness and shame,
upbraid my members in yourselves.
And come forward to me, you who know me
and you who know my members,
and establish the great ones among the small first creatures.
Come forward to childhood,
and do not despise it because it is small and it is little.
And do not turn away greatnesses in some parts from the smallnesses,
for the smallnesses are known from the greatnesses.
Why do you curse me and honor me?
You have wounded and you have had mercy.
Do not separate me from the first ones whom you have known.
And do not cast anyone out nor turn anyone away
[...] turn you away and [... know] him not.
[...].
What is mine [...].
I know the first ones and those after them know me.
But I am the mind of [...] and the rest of [...].
I am the knowledge of my inquiry,
and the finding of those who seek after me,
and the command of those who ask of me,
and the power of the powers in my knowledge
of the angels, who have been sent at my word,
and of gods in their seasons by my counsel,
and of spirits of every man who exists with me,
and of women who dwell within me.
I am the one who is honored, and who is praised,
and who is despised scornfully.
I am peace,
and war has come because of me.
And I am an alien and a citizen.
I am the substance and the one who has no substance.
Those who are without association with me are ignorant of me,
and those who are in my substance are the ones who know me.
Those who are close to me have been ignorant of me,
and those who are far away from me are the ones who have known me.
On the day when I am close to you, you are far away from me,
and on the day when I am far away from you, I am close to you.
[I am ...] within.
[I am ...] of the natures.
I am [...] of the creation of the spirits.
[...] request of the souls.
I am control and the uncontrollable.
I am the union and the dissolution.
I am the abiding and I am the dissolution.
I am the one below,
and they come up to me.
I am the judgment and the acquittal.
I, I am sinless,
and the root of sin derives from me.
I am lust in (outward) appearance,
and interior self-control exists within me.
I am the hearing which is attainable to everyone
and the speech which cannot be grasped.
I am a mute who does not speak,
and great is my multitude of words.
Hear me in gentleness, and learn of me in roughness.
I am she who cries out,
and I am cast forth upon the face of the earth.
I prepare the bread and my mind within.
I am the knowledge of my name.
I am the one who cries out,
and I listen.
I appear and [...] walk in [...] seal of my [...].
I am [...] the defense [...].
I am the one who is called Truth
and iniquity [...].
You honor me [...] and you whisper against me.
You who are vanquished, judge them (who vanquish you)
before they give judgment against you,
because the judge and partiality exist in you.
If you are condemned by this one, who will acquit you?
Or, if you are acquitted by him, who will be able to detain you?
For what is inside of you is what is outside of you,
and the one who fashions you on the outside
is the one who shaped the inside of you.
And what you see outside of you, you see inside of you;
it is visible and it is your garment.
Hear me, you hearers
and learn of my words, you who know me.
I am the hearing that is attainable to everything;
I am the speech that cannot be grasped.
I am the name of the sound
and the sound of the name.
I am the sign of the letter
and the designation of the division.
And I [...].
(3 lines missing)
[...] light [...].
[...] hearers [...] to you
[...] the great power.
And [...] will not move the name.
[...] to the one who created me.
And I will speak his name.
Look then at his words
and all the writings which have been completed.
Give heed then, you hearers
and you also, the angels and those who have been sent,
and you spirits who have arisen from the dead.
For I am the one who alone exists,
and I have no one who will judge me.
For many are the pleasant forms which exist in numerous sins,
and incontinencies,
and disgraceful passions,
and fleeting pleasures,
which (men) embrace until they become sober
and go up to their resting place.
And they will find me there,
and they will live,
and they will not die again.

...today i have decided that i get much joy out of wearing trench coats. why? Perhaps it is because i am encompassed in something dark and mysterious. I tend to drift toward that feeling. but...trench coats and snow are just a great combination!
I went to work today with 46% of my voice working. It was no good! I laminated things with the crazy mormon and we actually had a semi-decent conversation. I feel i have much less hate in me these days. I think i have actively made my mind dissolve feelings of immense dislike towards people-and for this i am glad. i have been working at it.




today i want to live in europe.

at work we watched that weird puppet-animation "santa" movie from the 70's. they sang a song about learning to walk (JUST PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER!) yes. you know the song. and i was sitting there in my chair and i concentrated really hard on the act of walking. and then i tried to will myself to forget how to walk completely..and then for a second i got a bit scared and wondered to myself if i actually -could- still walk. so i got up and, of course, i could still walk. it was like when you concentrate on your name (first or last or both) and then, after a while, it seems really foreign to you. i find some weird pleasure in those sort of things.

mate has been busy lately! but i have taken this time to explore my mind. it has been nice. i've been having a very active head the last few days. its lovely.

i sat in the upstairs faculty lounge today. No more getting bothered by creepy old men! It was nice....and it felt like i was hiding out! >.> I also got to see an old teacher of mine who i hadn't seen for a while.

greek olives are so nostalgic.....


i want to better my writing!

Tori Amos puts me in strange moods. Reminds me of the idaho desert. like what sand hollow looks like only a bit more mysterious. i like mysterious landscapes. when i see this landscape in my head though there seems to be a glare. cant get the full scene...just the general idea.

i feel unsettled.

best unveiling of a character ever

so you're watching silent hill. a weird androgynous motorcycle cop pulls up at a gas station and ends up following the mom and daughter down the road to silent hill. While this is happening you're just like "what the fuck?" because its just this mystery cop character that for some reason cares too much about this mom and daughter on an estrogen power road trip. Fast forward and the mom has, of course, let her kid run loose around the mystery town and is now trying to fend for herself and tries to drive home. surprise! your car doesn't work. and double surprise! androgynous cop is here to arrest you. they walk down the road only to find that the road has been destroyed leaving a big ol canyon between the 2 sides. take note that at this point the cop is stiill sporting her motorcycle helmet and trendy aviator sunglasses. And then...WTF??!! weird demon creature hobbles towards them and ends up spewing black acid stuff all over. AND THEN. oh yes. that bitch whips off her helmet and glasses in a fraction of a second only to reveal a super butchy blonde haircut and some femininely athletic cop body. and you're just like...holy crap. this cop just got hot!

scholastic!

Its about the third week into the work/school year and im finally getting used to it. Work no longer stresses me out (or doesn't stress me out at a constant pace, more rather) and I have settled into it for the most part. Im also getting used to Jakes schedule as well even though thats a little harder to get settled in to! I find myself a little lonely for 5 out of 7 days of the week due to people being busy in their own lives and have mainly resorted to books and internet...although the internet habit i would like to kick starting as soon as i finish this blog. I decided I need a new independent hobby outside of the house and so I signed Matty and I up for an agility class taught here in Meridian. That will be interesting....
This work year is strange. I am too quiet I think. And..when it comes to conversing with the teachers and other staff I find myself to be very reserved in my words. At work and even at home i've noticed i've become a bit reclusive. -.- i need to...umm...be more person-able. especially at work. work is people. and people is work! gotta be good at what I do. Damn the school district is sweet. >.> Today I was sitting with a student watching an f'n mickey mouse movie and i was just thinking "god. i get paid for this." For the most part its a very easy position...plus i get a grip of time off. grip. hahahahaha. i haven't used that word in years i think. i forgot the term existed. "grip of trees". hahahahahaha. oh my. so funny. i should remember that. FUCK YA

oh right now, of course, im wondering how mate is. He seems a little stressed lately...which i definatly dont blame him for. >.> busy college student. I miss his company! But...since i dont see him as often, when i do it feels 10X as good. <3

And, of course, my reading selection is just intriguing the sin out of me. i've read liek 3 or 4 chapters out of 3 books and have finally put them in order of how to read them. first, the book im reading now, the golden legend. then im going to finish (most likely reread the beginning part too) of the rosicrucian cosmo conception, then the summa theologica by st. thomas acquinas. Oh, and after all that I might ask Jake to let me borrow his copy of The marriage of heaven and hell by william blake. he read me an excerpt and i thought it was just absolutely fantastic. Oh, and i forgot you read my blog, honey. so...im gonna ask to borrow your book sometime if thats okay! ^.^;
oh. and...holy crap. i listened to that seven seal song so many times trying to interpret it. O.O its insane.

my dinner is done. im a hungry woman.
hippo.
hungry hippo. that game was too quick for me. tooo rough!

mountain nights

Last night I think Caitlin and I may have re-bonded.>.> We drove up too Cascade to pick up one of her hitch-hiker friends who got arrested up there the day before. The night sky was just incredible up there..the moon was bright, like a planet-y north star. We went up around 10pm and didn't get back to Boise until 1:30ish. Kind words were spoken....and it was very nice. -.- I have missed that sort of interaction with her....I do not exaggerate when I say it has been months and months and months since we have indeed "talked" intimately with one another. When we got back to her house we layed on her bed and watched her glow in the dark stars which were hanging from her bedroom ceiling...it was just...nice. -.- I wish we could be like that all the time. The night before was just awkward as sin. I drove to Middleton (which was incredible....heat lighting+country roads+yoko kanno=heart pounding!) and I picked up Kim. I enjoy her company. But then we went to Pk's house and....ugh. Whenever I see him, even though ive made plans with him prior to coming over, it always seems as though im inconveniencing him. The way he talks to me and converses with me always makes me feel like he'd rather be somewhere else...or he's thinking about something more important. I don't feel like a close friend of his anymore. and that is that. ohhh these days... this has definatly been one of the most awkward summers. Im looking forward to starting work again...6.6 Mainly so I can put my pre-work anxiety to rest!

I kinda want to go to the History museum today to see the Freemason exhibit...^.^;

*rolls*

I just wanted to post something on this 8/8/08 day. it only happens once in forever!!

hmm...i suppose right now im thinking about last night. Jake and i trekked in the hills and conversed under the sky. it was very nice. i cherish those times with him.....our words. i have felt a little strange lately...like my words are kind of crooked. or maybe i am viewing things slightly out of focus. some days are like that....some foggier than others. but when i talk and just let things flow out of me i feel much better. its something ive been trying to do more. i am often intraverted soemtimes, and i know this! it reminds me of the alex grey paintings of the mother bearing a child for some reason. in fact, i reference back to that painting quite often for unknown reasons. maybe the way it illustarates the energy flow....haha. for some reason that term seems really cliche to me....


it is weird that mate and i have been mates for a year now. 6.6 time has just snuck right past me! *revels in nostalgia* how cute!

HOY VACANCY

today i woke up late. too late. my home was empty. and then i sat on my bed and watched jake play FF6 or 7 or 3. After this i ate some food. and then we decided at like 8pm that his bird needed food. we went to his parents house and that damn bird was dead. just kidding.
AND THEN
AND THEN
AND THEN
we were socially productive.

and dudley did it wrong.
..as usual.

he does everything wrong. hes just so...so big. you know? i mean that dog is like the lard isle in the the mexican section of winco!! and god i hate that section. it makes me feel dirty. JOSES TORTILLA CHIPS. JOSES DRIED PEPPERS. JOSES TUB O LARD. thats dudleys place. son of a bitch.

today i collected grave rubbings. then i sat at home and read the Botany of Desire. it coincides with many conversations as of late. very strange.

Oh this new current 93 album sends chills all throughout me...ive been playing 'I looked to the southside' too many times within the last hour...i dont know why but this music pulls and claws at me like none other. Perhaps its the basis behind the music...perhaps its my connotations with it...i do not know.
Its so strange how these days have been going by. Its as if they're all connected by a mere door that i just quietly open at the end of the night and slip through and lo and behold i begin to squint for its suddenly morning. a great merging of some sort has been controlling my days, my hours, my minutes.

ive been reading about of coptology lately...and saints....and early christianity. it just intrigues me for some reason...a reason i have yet to put a finger on! For such a historically 'positive' time, there is a sort of darkness and mystery about it that i can't seem to get past.

oh i cant concentrate!

ebb and flow of universal tides

oh, i feel as though something big has awoken inside of me. i get these feelings sometimes....some force begins tossing and turning within my being and my entire entity seems lost in it. but it is the good kind of lost..the kind that you are happy to be enveloped in.
Last night was very good. very strange, but very good. jake and i went up to Arrowrock Dam and pitched a tent in an awkward little "armpit" of the dirt road. It had many trees and bushes and water at the shore.... interesting little cubes were stubbornly consumed. and then thats when things took off. I hadn't done this in quite awhile and so of course i was hesitant but...damn. The sky was just...overwehlming. i haven't experienced something like that in ages. it was a completely exhilerating event. >.> it makes my throat burn just contimplating the beauty of it....not just the atmosphere we were in but also who i was in the company of...and the almost necessary mental patterns i captured within...

i hold things like that very close.
so, so close.

inferno

i need to read this....and i mean the book! not just the synopsis on wikipedia. >.>

I am such a hypocrite when it comes to words. On one hand i preach that they are ineffectual little clumps of letters that are just used to make life a bit more tangible. On the other hand, it seems that these words are the complete basis for all emotions/theories/conjectures that escape the ever-so complex human mind. With words, assuming you've played scribe and actually written things down, you can instantly be thrown into...yes....round feelings. you can leave your present state of being and cover yourself up with things once understood and felt and knew.. Instead of sitting here on your comfy-ish chair in front of your weird computer monitor that makes your face glow here in this dark room, you can take yourself to a place that has no walls. no limitations....only words are familiar now. today has been a day of nostalgia. oh, i hate nostalgia. i loathe it. but.....sometimes i go looking for it. i dont know why and... i shall never know what exactly that driving force behind this crave for nostalgia is. we all have it. i know this at least. i am not the only one whos heart floats...whos eyes ache at the relentless pull of that ineffable series of sentimental thoughts. do not deny. i am curious as to why these feelings exist. should i sit down with them and admire them? build on them? find them a new hiding place? not sure. they visit me when they please, coming and going much like an illusive wind. for the moment i welcome their visits. although they do make me awfully restless. almost make me guilty for just sitting here, reading words. Words! dont you see? they are all just WORDS and look! Look at the sort of things they are capable of provoking in one. perhaps i should correct myself when i say that words are not of high importance because, in reality, ....they are everything. they give life to life that gives life and so on. speaking of.. life is at an interesting place right now. im not immensely esctatic about anything, and im not completely rolled up in a sort of somber trance. i am, for the moment, content. the valley is getting warmer. another summer is stretching its legs. how strange its already been almost a year for the mate and i. I am still amazed at our bond...i think it will always fascinate me. this mate of mine is a source of so many things for me; my companion to traverse the land with.......my partner to question universal anomalies with....my comic relief and my personal anchor all rolled up into one. there are too many connotations for him. He is one i will run in meadows and bound about in endless clearings with. our tails bouncing as paws hit the ground, kicking up new earth under some sort of majestic moonlight.
that is all.

WE BBBYYY

8-ish pm. matty and i went downtown to caitlins abode to give her my late birthday gift. it was a 'tribal' style wolf...done with india ink on cardboard. i had been eyeing tribal-style things all day and decided to try my hand at it. it came out alright! took me forever though. I get to her house and surprise! shes leaving. "oh im going camping and i was going to invite you but...." voice trails. so then i got back in my car. i drove to the co-op to get some ginseng. but they were closing in ten minutes and i was feeling pressured! so i left! got back in the car and ended up going to the ridiculous, and i emphasize 'ridicuous!, dog park!! Ok. the concept of a dog park is this: a bunch of lonely ass/ mentally unstable sons of bitches wrangle their dogs together and bring them into a fenced area. about 70% of the people that come are huge and old. the other 30% are okay to look at until they open their mouths..."oh...MY DOG>...MY DOG....SHE EATS LIKE THIS....MY DOG....SHE DOES THIS!...." holy crap. and then they ALL ask the same questions and tell you the same things..."HOW OLD IS HE?" "WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THAT?" "BAHHH WE GOT OUR DOG HERE" and then theres the thing i absolutely hate...its when they comment on YOUR dog..trying to tell you what breed it is and what not. "ITS PART RHODESIAN RIDGEBACK". fuck no shes not. are you crazy? have you even SEEN one?? god damn i worked with dogs for how long and i only saw one. i hate dog parks. go, matty. run around. have your fun chasing the other k9s but, for the love of mike, dog-park people, please dont talk to me. you push me over the edge! THis one 800lb old woman kept telling me about her puppys' eating pattern and after that i was done. i took off and me and matty went and layed down in the cemetary. by this time it was dusk. oh...yea. and during this time i was guzzling down a ridiculous amount of kava and it felt great. it made the dog park bearable. i forgot how numb your tounge can get when consuming that much. i love kava. new guilty pleasure. thoughts become quite lucid and everything seems more enjoyable. music tonight was just great. more internal...if that makes sense. anyways. after the dog park i decided to head home. i really wanted to read my dystopian novel. i cant put it down. i layed in bed this morning for like an hour reading it. ive been so into books lately. ^.^ I decided to take Hill Rd. home. why? because i adore it. i live for the tree tunnel at the end. as i drove down hill road i came to the intersection the West jr. high sits on. the sky was getting darkish. still fairly light but...you know...it was twilight time. ive never driven down that road but im glad i did. i searched the eye pawed for suiting music and settled for Rasputina. it had been so long since ive listened to them. i turned my stereo up as loud as it could go while still maintaining good sound quality (^.~) and sped down the hillside road. it led me to an expensive rolling neighborhood....i whipped through it, juggling my attention between the road and the sky. i came to a few dead ends, which was okay. quick manuevers got me turned around and i was off again. eventually i came to a very sudden hault...the road just kinda stopped...a barrier sign was placed where the road should have continued. beyond this inconvenience was something great. a little valley among some fine hills. the light on it was darkish light. and it looked oh-so appetizing! i got out of the car and of course, matty followed me. the air was crisp, which is odd for the first week of june. we walked down a dirt path..and it eventually turned into running down the path! it just felt so good to be under the universe in my little bubble in this newfound area. eventually we made our way back to the car and retraced our tire steps. back on hill rd, through the lovely, lovely tree tunnel, and back to civilization. i looked for steve at the cemetary. but he was not there. he finally payed off his stump chumper! good for you, steve! I drove down meridian/ustick and went to settlers park. they play movies there on friday nights on a big roll our screen. it was packed. and also very cold. i looked at it from my car but was too cold to get out! plus i was getting tired. D: so then we went home. i ate some food. and here i am. writing about it.

i am missing my man i think too. i havent seen him in a couple days. *crawls in a hole*

holy crap

oh wow! Today was an interesting one. I drove to work this morning, a half of a granola bar in my hands....not expecting what would come! I go into the classroom and all the students were like, "PICTUREZZ PICTUREZZ". So we all took photos together. its weird because you know they'll keep those pictures forever! Your frozen face permanently in their collection. o.O We passed out yearbooks and the trading frenzy began. all i really wrote in the kids' books was "...read a book" or something relevant to that. i think i wrote a few "KNOWLEDGE IS POWER" signatures too. hahaha. oh yes. The day was a half day so the periods were short. no tampon needed. we were sitting in the dark classroom, watching cartoons and waiting for the bell to ring.
waited. waited. waited.
and. it never rang. Instead, the lady principals' voice sounded over the intercom and kept on telling the teachers to check their email. she made this annoncement about 7 or 8 times in chunk of time which ended up lasting about 3 hours. During this time the kids were getting anxious. poor cody just wanted people to sign his book. you can only watch old cartoons for so long. D: I went to the back and asked what was up. because i had no idea why we weren't leaving the room. AND THEN i learn that we are in a hardcore lockdown and there are dogs and cops coming out of the woodwork on the campus. holy crap. i had no idea that any of this was going on. that explained why all the blinds were closed and why no one was allowed to leave the room. turns out they found a magazine clip of 'active' bullets on campus. and on top of that there was a bomb threat. oh crap.. long story short, we were let go eventually and the day proceeded. But...damn. thats the second lockdown we had in about 2 or 3 weeks. OH yea..haha. and so there was NO announcement the whole time about the lockdown...just "teachers please check your email". at the very end, the last announcement said "thanks! the lockdown is over"! you can imagine the way the students reacted to this. "WE WERE IN A LOCKDOWN??!!" hahahahaha. so funny. but super creepy.
i got to stand in the big huge line of teachers and wave the buses away. that was fun.i remember the teachers doing that when i was in 8th grade. never thought id be one of them. also attended a teacher bbq. all the paras were on edge due to uncertainity of a job next year. mindy got fired due to poor attendance. point for me! oops.
oh and yesterday mingo walked out. the last thing he said to me was "crooked bastards" in reference to the administrators as we hurried to class in the morning.. then during my lunch i hear he just kinda left. >.> so strange.
i didnt even get to say goodbye to half of my students. the lockdown skewed the schedule. i will miss that job.

yesterday i went for a good drive. the sky was chalky and colorful. neutrals. huge clouds stamped accross it.

owww

damn. i am in a rut! I am tired of little old meridian and am ready to fly the coop but my lack of funds and a steady job are hindering me from fulfilling that dream. I am most likely going to apply either CSI or University of Phoenix to obtain my Associate Paraprofessional Education degree. should i get a teaching emphasis or...i dont know. I would just like a job, please. damn the school district and their employee cuts. damn old crones for gettting to stay on the bill due to their rediculous seniority.

reality has hit me in the face tonight. oh god damn it gave me a bloody nose.

cliffs, mountains, water, and woods

"The idea that God is an oversized white male with a flowing beard, who sits in the sky and tallies the fall of every sparrow is ludicrous. But if by 'God,' one means the set of physical laws that govern the universe, then clearly there is such a God. This God is emotionally unsatisfying... it does not make much sense to pray to the law of gravity."

Jake, Matty, and I went to the woods this weekend. to the boise forest near crouch...it was cozy. we climbed on things and explored strange roads. My inhibitions are becoming less of a nuisance when it comes to altering my perceptions. it is no goal of mine but it is a part of myself i am gaining back. for learning purposes. understanding.
..inhibitions. why do we even acknowledge them? -.-
the woods are a wonderful place.
filled with an eerie yet simply euphoric energy.
I have come back with something.


i am listening to current 93...i have finally read about the source of the music and yes, jake was right...its a very interesting subject. the gnostic reasoning of this David Tibet character definatly catches my attention. the lyrics of "in the heart of the woods..." mentions the cliffs of moher. looking at photos of this irish destination definatly makes that song a little more cogent. i would like to go there....it looks like a place that you're obligated to spend time at....

SUCCULENT WILD MATTYPIG

okay. let me try to explain.
i am listening to this classical music....slightly similar to that indescribable thomas tallis masterpiece. consequently i have this feeling in my core. some kind of tie to complete freedom...
it puts me in a place that is out. out from the city..and the people...and the every-day troubles we are constantly thrown into. maybe the atmosphere in this "out" place is warm but with a sneaky breeze. it is definatly night time. wind smells are sifting into my nasal passages like gold is sifted from streams. only the good ones are noticed. sky=bright. a clear night with the galaxy visible. look around. nothing. sillhouettes of trees and maybe far off mountain peaks.
that is where i like to be.
out where there are no inhibitions...physically nor mentally. here you are free to spelunk the deepest niches of the mind.
i have felt this and so have you.
it is what motivates me.
more rather, what drives me.

words, i am often lacking..


feelings...
i admire. how do we come up with these?

*peers out from under an oversized hat*

nice smells-
1. of course, hot laminator.
2. dog paws.
why do dog paws smell like a newly vacuumed room???

hell of a day

I woke up this morning feeling much, much better. im very glad i took the day off yesterday...i caught up on my reading (finished The Last Unicorn and began Food of the Gods)...and had a complete healing day. and it payed off. and im not preggers. praise sanjaya.

I was a little late for work but no worries. It started off as an ordinary day....the children behaved sparatically, as usual. nothing too bad. until the middle of 4th period. we were in the home room, all of us together when a very bulky, tall man in a striped shirt and a tie clinging to his shoulder (due to the extreme wind) came hurrying in. "Hi im mr. S-gjdfisgjdfkg." nobody could understand what his last name was so he had us call him mr. S. He took a seat in the back of the room and the kids' attention turned back onto Melissa (the teacher). Within the first 10 minutes that this oaf was in the room, he constantly shouted out things that weren't particularly relevant to the discussion. When Melissa had 2 girls go over to the computers, he interrupted and stated in his booming, slightly homosexual voice "i was a network technician for 19 years. i can help them". At this comment i cock my head and think "well they're just logging on to the computer...i dont think it takes a network technician to figure that out..".. and that was just the beginning. Everyone (about 9 resource kidd and 3 paras) are all in their own little groups. I am playing scrabble with the notorious Cody Seymore and Anthony...barely 5 ft, sporting leg braces and hair down to the middle of his back. Melissa tells this substitute to just monitor these 2 kids that are on the computer...to simply watch them. But no. He is difficult. like one of the chidlren. He goes over to jake, who is on his beanbag in the corner due to bad behavior, and asks him ..."HEY BUDDY> YA WANNA ARM WRESTELE??!!" Jake is totally into this idea but Melissa calmly goes over and asks him to go sit back down at the table. He appologized to her but then continues to call out to jake, "WELL HAY IF YOU WANT YOU CAN JUST COME OVER HERE".. by this time melissa is getting pretty annoyed and had to go over and further explain to him that "No, Jake is sitting there for a reason. I need you to sit at that table and monitor the girls on the computer". He sits back down and is like "I just love these kids...I love these kids". Despite of Melissas multiple warnings, he goes over to jake AGAIN. Melissa had to scold this f'n SUBSTITUTE like one of the students.."I need you to sit down and stay there. i am the authority in this room and i need you to sit down and do as i tell you". He is quiet then but..of course...to my disbelief...the next minute i hear him say, pointing at jake.."SO DOES THIS ONE HAVE SOME KIND OF PHYSICAL DISABILITY??!!" I was sitting across the room and by this time my eyes were just wide with astonishment. Did he actually say that in the middle of a full classroom?? Everyone pretended to ignore him for the sake of not embarrassing jake or anyone else. It was just...a WTF moment for sure. When the bell rings i rush to 7th grade science, happy to get away from that guy. Soo...weird.
Bell rings. 2:40.
I go back to the home room and this is when i heard some great stories. I guess Melissa was tired of "Mr. S" so she sent him to room 108, a language class off of the auditorium, which was led by humble, patient, Sue Davis. She is old. pear shaped. but so cute. She tells me that this guy, of course, wasn't following directions. Was waving both of his arms up in the middle of a discussion like a 3rd grader, wanting to tell a story about blisters. O.O wtf. He was completely oblivious to anything and everything. The first thing he said when he entered the room full of LEARNING DISABLED students was, yes, "IM DUMBER THAN ALL OF YOU. I AM DYSLEXIC AND HAVE A.D.D" yea. no shit. He was making such a scene in the class, not following the directions, blurting out random remarks, that when he honest to god grabbed his crotch and told Sue that "i have to go Potty", Dakotah, a pudgy 7th grader asked "...is that guy drunk??" I wouldn't doubt it. A man wandered into the middle school last year, peering into all the windows and trying to open doors. the school went into a lockdown. before the cops could get to the school he ran off campus and they never found him. I wouldn't be surprised if Mr.S was THAT GUY. if he didnt have a substitute badge i totally would have questioned him. well...i do question him! i dont know how he became a sub in the first place because hes totally unprofessional and has no clue what he's doing.
OH...\
and earlier in the day he grabbed his crotch for the first time, asking where the bathroom was and was then told to go to the bathroom with the papersign outside of the building. He took the key. Outside there were two bathrooms. the "mens" bathroom which is now the bathroom that the more extreme resource room uses to change the diapers of the incompetent. The other one, with the paper sign, is the unisex bathroom that everyone else uses. guess which one this guy went into.
and guess what was happening in that room.
yep. he walked in on some kid getting feces wiped out of his anal cavity. Melissa had to personally appologize to the other teacher.

Holy crap. we totally blacklisted this guy from ever come back. melissa wrote a letter to the district and therefore i highly doubt that we will be seeing the wonderful Mr. S ever again. good riddance.

and now...
a quote. from cody seymore. while playing scrabble.

"...we are all champs. but nothing like the champions of the world. they have been champions for 9 years! they win at board games, and sports, and reading! they are the chamnpions of the world!"

my god.

on a less humerous note, my position was cut! guess i wont be working there next year. i actually almost teared up when i heard that. O.O i finally have a job i adore, one that im proud im doing.
I'm going to stay in the school district next year, i think. I just wont be working with the people i do now, which is really too bad. i have come to thoroughly enjoy them....

changechangechange. i am used to it. always accept change. it usually brings you something better.

inconvenience

i was excited to go exploring today but instead i spent all day inside due to my "almost" sick state. i do not want to get sick!! i dont understand because i wash my hands like 54364363 times a day and use hand sanitizer every 10 min. :( makes me sad. i guess i can catch up on some reading....and thinking.

i would like to meet new people. or get in touch with old friends. i am a little lonely these days i think.

today i tried to conjure up the steps to getting telenet to work but i have forgotten! its been so long. I wanted to get into a MUCK or MUD but just couldnt remember how. -.- i tried to download mudsock but that was giving me trouble too. I found all these telenet communities and i didnt realize it was still so prominent in the webby. i feel ridiculous spending more than an hour trying to figure out an f'n multi-user dungeon so i have given up for the day. time to do things in RL.. 6.6

anyways.
i am flustered.
my nose...it runs.....

glorious

Today it was very nice out...in the 70s for sure. I definatly wanted to take advantage of this oppurtunity so Matty and i went to the foothills. My super-over-played cd of cradle of filth (x.x) was playing due to my laziness of not wanting to find another music choice. Matty and i arrived on the road that meets up with Reserve Rd......whatever its called....its the one that leads to the gazebo area. We parked somewhere new. why? i do not now. a dirt patch with 3 or 4 cars parked on it. we got out and went down a hill and, yes, there was a dog park i had never even new existed. what luck! matty frolicked but quickly grew bored and a little antisocial. i was glad to leave the awkward dog park conversation ("what kind of dog is that?? how old is she? Oh thats so cute! mine does this. mine does that..") i hate dog park small talk with a passion. >.< im just going to pretend i am deaf next time.
anyways. we climbed a hill and i was not sure where it would lead me, but i welcomed the mystery. i dislike knowing my destination.
unfortunatly the path did lead me somewhere familiar, but i didnt mind. because the place it brought me to was the notorious gazebo. holy place. energy fueled wooden sanctuary. i sighed as i approached it. how funny it looks...all decrepit. graffiti here and there. This odd little creation placed on top of this mighty hill...
i walked to the cement picnic table that was under the gazebo and layed down on it. matty sniffed around as i thought.
It is a fine thinking place. Wind in my ears. Eyes focused in between the wooden planks that make up the roof, and onto the sky.
I thought about my friend Mindy...20 year old mother of 4. i feel very sad for her. she has no time for herself. no time to think. no way she would have the time to come out to a place like this and contimplate life. i am glad i am me.
on that picnic bench i thought about the way i feel about things..
I thought about the mind. human intellect at its finest. if you set yourself to do so, you could reach depts of the mind that you wouldnt think were even possible. The way i see it, in a very literal way, is that the mind is black. a darkish gray. maybe a little brown. when conjuring lesser known and understood feelings about things, you travel backwards. into a yellowish white area. you pass this barrier and you are instantly in the universe. the universe is your own. and the universe is in your mind...always waiting...patiently counting the days, hours, seconds, until you decide to acknowledge it. I think its so incredible, so extremely overwhelming to think and...to even comprehend...that we as humans are capable of the things that we are. look at all the incredible scientists, philosophers, artists...people in general. look at the things we have accomplished. conundrums we have figured out. We potentially have the answer to space and time but the sad thing is is that the majority of the human-being population turns the other cheek when exposed to the idea. People these days are blind and stupid. Wanting instant satisfaction...and satisfaction with things that they can hold and touch. see. they will not even try to conceive the "impossible". I swear i will never let my mind end up numb and cold...
i have travelled to that whitish yellow gate to the mental universe many times and i will continue making trips there. perhaps i'll build a summer house there too.

I think everyone is connected. every person...every animal. i think we all have a sort of mental tie that is wrapped around every being...like those string lights during christmas time. i wish people could learn from each other more thoroughly though. thats the point of being strung together...to take in mind other peoples expereinces, thoughts, ideas. its frusterating we will never know another person truly. Know them to their most extreme. And vice versa. no one will ever know you the way you perceive yourself. Nobody will know what you see in your mind when you try to explain to them your favorite memory. or your most intense experience. or whatever it may be. we are all our own little enigmas. our own universes. ^.^

I am listening to Castlevania4 midis...well....the cave/waterfall midi on repeat. it is cozy. that game is incredible.

april 17th

I came downstairs today and mother had lit incense....the smoke hadn't been disturbed so it had created a sort of fog in the living room. i could get the sparse clouds of scented smoke right to my line of sight....seeing both the top and bottom of it. Then i decided to lay under it. it was nice being under a canopy of smoke until dudley....redicilous dudley.....decided to run over and wag his tail and ruin it!

Even though its not warm outside in the slightest bit, i feel the sensation of a summer night staring at me through the window. I am anxious....ready for something. I can see the upper sky through the window. Dark blue at the top, flowing into a greenish blue towards the bottom...

vrrrrrrrooooom

Hello. i am sitting at home with an achy set of ovaries and im suffering from a disease called matesickness. jake has been busy and ive been horny. D: sometimes life and nature are just not fair to you. I got back from portland the other day. it was very fun! haven't been travelling since christmas time so it was a good break. i had good travelling companions (jake, caitlin, chris bloxham). between the rancid punk rocker house, rainy walks, terrifying/awkward train rides, and general mood of happiness, it was a very good time! ^.^ Jake and i and the snook family are going to greece in june.....sooo excited. i finally get to take my lover to a crazy destination. how exhilerating. i've been spending lots of time with caitlin...thats good. i like her. my only girl friend!!
i walked a long walk today! kinda. i was sitting on my couch and i ate too much food so i decided to do something active so i walked all over downtown meridian....i like walking with the furkids. then i came home and attempted to draw but the mood wasnt there so i just watched a movie. drawing is so funny for me. i can create things im damn proud of just out of nowhere but then, often, i struggle just drawing something as simple as a head. oh, muse. you have your own mood!!

i am reading a good book called Sharp Teeth-having to do with werewolves and doggies it captures my attention quite thuroughly. im going to go read that now. i have to get up early for im thinking about attending an old mans funeral.

farwell.

icewater

*looks at entry below* dont ever believe me when i say i'm going to continue with a post. ^.~


It is almost March, which means spring is on its way...and that means it is the time in which i feel almost obligated to reflect on my winter months. Analyze them and pick at them like an unidentifiable food on my plate. As cold and unbearable of a winter it was, there was a sense of "cozyness" about it. perhaps thats because i had a matish companion by my side....not to mention a half naked pig bull who doubles as my shadow. I think of december, the beginning of winter, when i doubted that snow would fall. I laughed at the thought of a "winter" due to my experience with previous Idaho winters. snow rarely stayed more than a day or two and there was the ever-present stangant feel to the winter months. but this wintertide basically kicked all the years before it on its ass. the snow came and came and came.......just like jake! haaha. you are the only one that reads this! but....my god. it was almost a relief. driving to and from my 8hr hell was very treachorous...at the time i was a bit fearful of the icy roads but now that i think about it i almost enjoyed the risk. i....liked the feeling of being, and i know i use this a lot, but i love being at mercy with the elements. i swear. it is a driving force in me. i gaze at the world ever so politely and when it turns around only to growl at me im even more mystified. The skies, of course, are what i really took note of when it comes to the physical sense of the season. Those glowing nights....especially when there was fresh snow on the ground (and lots of it!!). I liked going for night time walks with matty, appropriate black metal courtesy of jake streaming throuhg my headphones, head up, eyes fixed on the luminous orange sky, eating crisp air until i thought my lungs would freeze. the scene i attempted to describe in my last blog stands out to me the most when i think of the winter months. the bond i felt with mate and nature is almost too hard to wrap in words. trying to explain the ecstasy, passion, and wonder of it would be comparable to wrapping a gift with hundreds of sharp edges! almost impossible, unless done so in a careful manner...
A time of newness, it was. *nod* a fresh winter. snow drowned my burdens of the past. suffocated all my petty little vexations. and for that i am relieved. crawling of my snowden i know look at the world in almost a different light. i sit at the top of a large grassy noll swaying my long furry tail...claws digging into new earth, new soil. I peer out at the world with a new mindset. well, not necessarially new, but one i have come to further understand and accept. i have learned i am a complex being.....we all are.

.....whoa. i want to go paint. >.>

......

no, i dont think i will continue with my last post. i must write a new one! i wrote 'to be continued' because jake and i were eager to get out of the house and adventure in the fog-laden winter night. we put on warm hats and gloves and buttoned up our warm coats and went out to Unit 1. i was glad jake drove because it was getting icy out and i have a tiny fear of driving on ice!! my god. something crazy just happened. >.> as i was typing that sentence, my vision went into my keyboard and i saw extremely vividly getting into jakes car last night. that probably makes absolutely no sense but.... 0.0 wtf??!! then i had to reread the end of that sentence because it looked super foreign. 6.6 *ahem* fuckin weird.
um. well. *cough* anyways...so we drove down the street and into patraics old neighborhood. i hadn't been down that street since months ago. O.O it was strange how such a familiar street can now feel so extremely alien. we parked the car where the path to the greenbeltish area begins and got out. the cold hit us, stinging our bare faces.....our microfiber long johns were no match for the bone chilling cold which somehow managed to claw at us with every step we took. hand in hand we trekked through the new snow, down the woodsy path....we had nice conversations. i like being out in the elements with my mate. we came to a bridge. we crossed and went into a quarry type area with a lake surrounding it i think. it was super foggy and the light was reflecting so it was hard to know where we were really. the sky was reddish and the sillhouettes of trees popped out here and there. the lakeish body of water covered a good portion of the land. we spoke words that only mates seems to speeak and explored out surroundings. what a wonderful visual feast!


to be continued. for realzzz

*sigh*

today was good. woke up with mate, skin on skin as usual. <3 very wonderful. when i came home i put on a new bra...which fits me wonderfully...and is a whole cup size bigger than i usually buy!! it makes me feel volumptuous! no, not voluptuous...volumptuous!!!! and then i sat down with some wellness tea and i read a book on love. very insightful! and very relaxing! i havent been able to take time to read a book in a long time. ^.^; And then i went upstairs for some reason and dudley was looking out the window and whining his odd whine. i looked out too and noticed that there was a thick fog coming over the neighborhood. it excited me! i have a deep fascination for foggy winter evenings....the sun was just about to set so there was that very "still" feeling in the air.i got the eye pawed out of the car and obviously went straight to the silent hill 2 soundtrack. matty and i walked to the park in the middle of the subdivision. she ran very very quickly..kicking up snow and eating it too as she ran like a bat out of hell. then we traversed to my tree place....the field where the road ends. the tree looked very god-like in the fog. i went up to it and fondled it bark....tilting me head as i thought about how great the tree is. to be continued

-.-

...i just found out a highschool friend of mine committed suicide last night.. this is very surreal to me. i went to the academy so classmates were as close as classmates can get at that school, having there only being about 90 kids attending. I wasn't very close to this boy but, my god, i saw him every day....exchanged hellos....made petty "surface" conversations with him...

This is the 2nd acquaintence suicide i've been exposed too. the first one was at the end of freshman year. i went to Meridian High that year. i remember i was sitting in my art class when the secretary made an announcement on the speakers. she said andrew (i forget his last name) has died...and she asked for a moment of silence.....
i remember how i felt at that moment. completely heartbroken. my stomach sank to the pit of me. Andrew attended the same youth group with me, which i have spoken of in a previous post...i was always looking at other people when i was there and my gaze would always be drawn to him somehow. he wasn't the most social boy. he had big glasses and high pants. always wore those dirty tennis shoes. he always appeared as though he was trying so hard to belong, which i suppose is the cliche truth of all suicide victims. He never spoke to anyone...i dont think i ever even saw him mumble a string of coherent words of any sort. basically, he was outcasted. but i watched him. i always did. of course, school wasnt any easier for him. constant torment is what i saw. So...hearing that he had died, and later hearing that it was indeed a nonaccidental death really tore me up. to think that this individual just couldnt take fucking life anymore...so he decided to just end it. how sad/selfish. it makes me sick. makes me sick to think of all the people who are stuck in their own little ruts and refuse to see the way out. most of them are closer than they think. but they are lazy. and selfish. wtf. i remember Chris Olson gathered the "church" goers in the AG building one lunch period. chris was such an f'ing ring leader.....always taking every conversation, every thought, and make it revolve around God. always playing his guitar...he gathered a whole crew. a whole group of young people wanting to belong somewhere. he wanted to be a leader of something and so he became creepily enveloped by a "loving god" of some sort....and "taught" others to do the same. anyways, we were in the AG building and he was talking about going to andrews funeral the next day. the outgoing kids all agreed. i just sat there. i never felt like part of them. i just...heh...just wanted to somewhere to be. i wanted to go the funeral too and decided i would tag along. the oraganized a bus to go out the next day at lunch. the next day came and when the lunch bell rang we all gathered outside by the flagpole which overlooked the parking lot. all the followers were congrating. chris,of course, was practically the first one there. i stood back a little bit because i was shy and, in truth, didnt want to be talked to. i just wanted to go pay my respects. not being talked too was easy enough i suppose because no one ever spoke to me in the first place. this girl Lizzie, always wore straight legged jeans and plain shirts that were never too tight...never wore makeup and had freakishly straight hair, was the only one that really chatted with me. but even when she did it was a completely idle conversation. The group began to board the bus.......i backed up. why? i dont know. i'll never know. i backed up until no one would notice me. then i turned on my heel and briskly walked the opposite direction. head down, i climbed the outside stairs which let to the little outdoor walkway. i stood up there and watched the kids board the bus. then i watched the bus leave the parking lot and make its way to deliver the group of mourners to pay their respects to Andrew. then i started regretting my quick decision. i should've gone. but instead i was standing on this cold, concrete walkway infested with angsty teens. i decided to go home. i did that a lot that year...just left school. i was very alone. thats also the year i wore nothing but long skirts and wool coats. i would walk home through the fields and amongst the identical homes, always paying attention to my environment. it took me a long time to walk home but i didnt mind the walk. i dont remember the rest of that day, but it was very dissapointing.

and now there is jon taylors death.
when i catch word of a funeral for him, i will make a point to attend.
I think of his brother Alex, a good friend. it must be hard. i've only lost grandparents and dogs.

the silent hill 2 soundtrack is appropriate right now. I wish jake would contact me. it would be nice to share my thoughts with him with my voice,not through cyberspace.

ugh. tonight is not good. i have a horrible feeling in my stomach. i want to be out.

.....i think i will go out...

to the hills.

farewell.

heartoutofchest. this life. so interesting. so intriguing. constantly uncovering artifacts. trekking accross new terrain. desolate wilderness. two energies binded by a constant force.

ugh. ani difranco makes me smell a certain smell. mortiis, help me decipher the mysterious ani difranco smell. um.i guess its the smell of dirty, wet carpet mixed with women.

i need to go buy dog vitamins.

"God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives: who will wipe this blood off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become gods simply to appear worthy of it?

– Nietzsche, The Gay Science"

women

today i looked outside and, again, fresh snow infested the ground.....lots of fresh snow. O.O So...i decided to go out and partake in it. I put on a warm coat and my mountain shoes.Dudley stayed home and matty and i stepped outside. How wonderful! It was still snowing pretty hard...and we were trekking in new snow. i love that...walking on something no one has walked on before...even if it is just snow. I played the .hack/sign soundtrack on my eye pawed....it proved to be very fitting. I like walking with matty because she stayes right next to me, never venturing far. <3 i am extremely thankful for her. ^.^;; We walked around the neighborhood, which i quickly got bored of....so i took her to the road that just ends. Its a great place. Where the road ends there is a small barb-wire fence and a huge, magestic, fine speicimen of a tree. I love that tree dearly..I always have ever since i discovered it. Behind the fence is a large field....probably belongs to someone but it makes a fine place to just sit and revel. Matty ran around and i stood looking up at the snow. oh, how i admire it. We then traversed out into the street, accross the road, past a school, and to a frozenish pond. In the summer there are many frogs hopping around there. We walked for a very long time! Then we began on our way back and there was this older woman, perhaps in her late 50's, going out to her mailbox. she had on a green coat and camo pants and big green boots. I did the neighborly thing and said "hi"....and asked her how she liked the snow. then our conversation went like this..
Her- "I love it but i wish i were enjoying it in the mountains."
Me- "gah. me too. Its too bad there are no forests around this neighborhood."
Her-"Its my goal to go live in a cabin in the mountains where i can just paint and write.."
Me- "*surprised* me too!.....thats my dream as well...often i prefer trees over people"
Her- "Thats why i moved here....i used to live in California"
then we talked about writing and she told me that somedays she writes poems as long as 3 pages....and how she is inspired by the strangest things.....and i liked talking to her a lot. she was a very good woman.


Mer- "

*crawls on top of a big box*
yes.
*sprawls out*
ahh
*crosses paws and flicks tail*

the last few days have been quite intriguing! No longer do i feel like Lemuel Gulliver, tied to the ground by my negative thoughts and pitiful moods. Work doesnt faze me as much...im in the steady process of finding a new one so that is good. and...i think that that was the biggest of my problems. and now i have remedied it.....and i am content. and i have also been seeing more people which is great. i have missed my social life tremendously!!
i've been in such an exploratory mood lately. Jakes' Exploratory Wandering mix has come in handy. Today Matty and I, after a dissapointing conversation with the head of Ewing Animal Clinic, stopped at Merrill park in Eagle. It had snowed a decent amount the night before so the entire park was just covered in virgin snow. It was magical. Matty and I walked through the park until my socks were practically soaked...I like how the cold basically consumes your face. .........you know the feeling.
This winter is unique i think.
But, alas, it is that time in the winter season in which i am eager for the inevitable transition...I think its because of when we set up that damn tent in my garage. o.O I didnt go camping once last year which is pathetic! Well...i did go with Tom that one time but that was hardly camping. *scoffs* I really want to get back up to Seven Devils....it was so pretty there. Almost eerie scenery...which is what i absolutely thrive on.
*sigh*
those feelings....the ones you seem to be at complete mercy with. You cant stop them. By resisting they'll just eat at you more and more and more until you just break...then they flow into you like some sort of unyielding river.. o.O
aye. the mind is powerful.

that is all.

trepanation. i've been reading about it all day. Very interesting. Its believed that trepanation, the act of drilling a hole in your skull, will act as a "third eye" per say and therefore allow you to reach a higher level of conciousness. The theory is that more bloodflow to the brain, the more lucid you can think. To think that there's that cluster of individuals out there who actually take on this practice, using crude surgical tools and, in the secrecy of their own home, drill out holes in their skulls. Risky business for the longing of higher levels of understanding. A certain individual sticks out to me though as i read about this....Amanda Feilding...she actually documented herself doing this procedure on herself.....completely aware......The film is called "Hearbeat in the Brain" and was produced in 1970. I've been looking on the internet for it but it seems to be very hard to get a hold of. Amanda and her close friend, who also strongly believed in the trepanation theory was this man named Joey Mellen and he wrote a book concerning the subject called Bore Hole. He attempted trepanation three times. No luck with the first two attemps but on the third, with some help from a hit of LSD, he had success......I found this quote from his book describing his success...

"'After some time there was an ominous sounding schlurp and the sound of bubbling. I drew the trepan out and the gurgling continued. It sounded like air bubbles running under the skull as they were pressed out. I looked at the trepan and there was a bit of bone in it. At last! On closer inspection I saw that the disc of bone was much deeper on one side than on the other. Obviously the trepan had not been straight and had gone through at one point only, then the piece of bone had snapped off and come out. I was reluctant to start drilling again for fear of damaging the brain membranes with the deeper part while I was cutting through the rest or of breaking off a splinter. If only I had an electric drill it would have been so much simpler. Amanda was sure I was through. There seemed no other explanation for the schlurping noises I decided to call it a day. At the time I thought that any hole would do, no matter what size. I bandaged up my head and cleared away the mess."


its so interesting. I wonder if Amanda and Joey have actually reached the state of conciousness in which they were striving for. I suppose it goes to show that people are indeed aware that this is an important thing to achieve in your lifetime. And...some people will go to extremes to obtain it. Its funny because this subject, not trepanation, but the act of reaching some sort of higher knowledge within yourself has been very common lately through day to day conversation.

we are all on some sort of existential journey. we're all becoming more and more aware of the importance of it.....

oi. what a glorious age we live in.