-.-

...i just found out a highschool friend of mine committed suicide last night.. this is very surreal to me. i went to the academy so classmates were as close as classmates can get at that school, having there only being about 90 kids attending. I wasn't very close to this boy but, my god, i saw him every day....exchanged hellos....made petty "surface" conversations with him...

This is the 2nd acquaintence suicide i've been exposed too. the first one was at the end of freshman year. i went to Meridian High that year. i remember i was sitting in my art class when the secretary made an announcement on the speakers. she said andrew (i forget his last name) has died...and she asked for a moment of silence.....
i remember how i felt at that moment. completely heartbroken. my stomach sank to the pit of me. Andrew attended the same youth group with me, which i have spoken of in a previous post...i was always looking at other people when i was there and my gaze would always be drawn to him somehow. he wasn't the most social boy. he had big glasses and high pants. always wore those dirty tennis shoes. he always appeared as though he was trying so hard to belong, which i suppose is the cliche truth of all suicide victims. He never spoke to anyone...i dont think i ever even saw him mumble a string of coherent words of any sort. basically, he was outcasted. but i watched him. i always did. of course, school wasnt any easier for him. constant torment is what i saw. So...hearing that he had died, and later hearing that it was indeed a nonaccidental death really tore me up. to think that this individual just couldnt take fucking life anymore...so he decided to just end it. how sad/selfish. it makes me sick. makes me sick to think of all the people who are stuck in their own little ruts and refuse to see the way out. most of them are closer than they think. but they are lazy. and selfish. wtf. i remember Chris Olson gathered the "church" goers in the AG building one lunch period. chris was such an f'ing ring leader.....always taking every conversation, every thought, and make it revolve around God. always playing his guitar...he gathered a whole crew. a whole group of young people wanting to belong somewhere. he wanted to be a leader of something and so he became creepily enveloped by a "loving god" of some sort....and "taught" others to do the same. anyways, we were in the AG building and he was talking about going to andrews funeral the next day. the outgoing kids all agreed. i just sat there. i never felt like part of them. i just...heh...just wanted to somewhere to be. i wanted to go the funeral too and decided i would tag along. the oraganized a bus to go out the next day at lunch. the next day came and when the lunch bell rang we all gathered outside by the flagpole which overlooked the parking lot. all the followers were congrating. chris,of course, was practically the first one there. i stood back a little bit because i was shy and, in truth, didnt want to be talked to. i just wanted to go pay my respects. not being talked too was easy enough i suppose because no one ever spoke to me in the first place. this girl Lizzie, always wore straight legged jeans and plain shirts that were never too tight...never wore makeup and had freakishly straight hair, was the only one that really chatted with me. but even when she did it was a completely idle conversation. The group began to board the bus.......i backed up. why? i dont know. i'll never know. i backed up until no one would notice me. then i turned on my heel and briskly walked the opposite direction. head down, i climbed the outside stairs which let to the little outdoor walkway. i stood up there and watched the kids board the bus. then i watched the bus leave the parking lot and make its way to deliver the group of mourners to pay their respects to Andrew. then i started regretting my quick decision. i should've gone. but instead i was standing on this cold, concrete walkway infested with angsty teens. i decided to go home. i did that a lot that year...just left school. i was very alone. thats also the year i wore nothing but long skirts and wool coats. i would walk home through the fields and amongst the identical homes, always paying attention to my environment. it took me a long time to walk home but i didnt mind the walk. i dont remember the rest of that day, but it was very dissapointing.

and now there is jon taylors death.
when i catch word of a funeral for him, i will make a point to attend.
I think of his brother Alex, a good friend. it must be hard. i've only lost grandparents and dogs.

the silent hill 2 soundtrack is appropriate right now. I wish jake would contact me. it would be nice to share my thoughts with him with my voice,not through cyberspace.

ugh. tonight is not good. i have a horrible feeling in my stomach. i want to be out.

.....i think i will go out...

to the hills.

farewell.