......

no, i dont think i will continue with my last post. i must write a new one! i wrote 'to be continued' because jake and i were eager to get out of the house and adventure in the fog-laden winter night. we put on warm hats and gloves and buttoned up our warm coats and went out to Unit 1. i was glad jake drove because it was getting icy out and i have a tiny fear of driving on ice!! my god. something crazy just happened. >.> as i was typing that sentence, my vision went into my keyboard and i saw extremely vividly getting into jakes car last night. that probably makes absolutely no sense but.... 0.0 wtf??!! then i had to reread the end of that sentence because it looked super foreign. 6.6 *ahem* fuckin weird.
um. well. *cough* anyways...so we drove down the street and into patraics old neighborhood. i hadn't been down that street since months ago. O.O it was strange how such a familiar street can now feel so extremely alien. we parked the car where the path to the greenbeltish area begins and got out. the cold hit us, stinging our bare faces.....our microfiber long johns were no match for the bone chilling cold which somehow managed to claw at us with every step we took. hand in hand we trekked through the new snow, down the woodsy path....we had nice conversations. i like being out in the elements with my mate. we came to a bridge. we crossed and went into a quarry type area with a lake surrounding it i think. it was super foggy and the light was reflecting so it was hard to know where we were really. the sky was reddish and the sillhouettes of trees popped out here and there. the lakeish body of water covered a good portion of the land. we spoke words that only mates seems to speeak and explored out surroundings. what a wonderful visual feast!


to be continued. for realzzz

*sigh*

today was good. woke up with mate, skin on skin as usual. <3 very wonderful. when i came home i put on a new bra...which fits me wonderfully...and is a whole cup size bigger than i usually buy!! it makes me feel volumptuous! no, not voluptuous...volumptuous!!!! and then i sat down with some wellness tea and i read a book on love. very insightful! and very relaxing! i havent been able to take time to read a book in a long time. ^.^; And then i went upstairs for some reason and dudley was looking out the window and whining his odd whine. i looked out too and noticed that there was a thick fog coming over the neighborhood. it excited me! i have a deep fascination for foggy winter evenings....the sun was just about to set so there was that very "still" feeling in the air.i got the eye pawed out of the car and obviously went straight to the silent hill 2 soundtrack. matty and i walked to the park in the middle of the subdivision. she ran very very quickly..kicking up snow and eating it too as she ran like a bat out of hell. then we traversed to my tree place....the field where the road ends. the tree looked very god-like in the fog. i went up to it and fondled it bark....tilting me head as i thought about how great the tree is. to be continued

-.-

...i just found out a highschool friend of mine committed suicide last night.. this is very surreal to me. i went to the academy so classmates were as close as classmates can get at that school, having there only being about 90 kids attending. I wasn't very close to this boy but, my god, i saw him every day....exchanged hellos....made petty "surface" conversations with him...

This is the 2nd acquaintence suicide i've been exposed too. the first one was at the end of freshman year. i went to Meridian High that year. i remember i was sitting in my art class when the secretary made an announcement on the speakers. she said andrew (i forget his last name) has died...and she asked for a moment of silence.....
i remember how i felt at that moment. completely heartbroken. my stomach sank to the pit of me. Andrew attended the same youth group with me, which i have spoken of in a previous post...i was always looking at other people when i was there and my gaze would always be drawn to him somehow. he wasn't the most social boy. he had big glasses and high pants. always wore those dirty tennis shoes. he always appeared as though he was trying so hard to belong, which i suppose is the cliche truth of all suicide victims. He never spoke to anyone...i dont think i ever even saw him mumble a string of coherent words of any sort. basically, he was outcasted. but i watched him. i always did. of course, school wasnt any easier for him. constant torment is what i saw. So...hearing that he had died, and later hearing that it was indeed a nonaccidental death really tore me up. to think that this individual just couldnt take fucking life anymore...so he decided to just end it. how sad/selfish. it makes me sick. makes me sick to think of all the people who are stuck in their own little ruts and refuse to see the way out. most of them are closer than they think. but they are lazy. and selfish. wtf. i remember Chris Olson gathered the "church" goers in the AG building one lunch period. chris was such an f'ing ring leader.....always taking every conversation, every thought, and make it revolve around God. always playing his guitar...he gathered a whole crew. a whole group of young people wanting to belong somewhere. he wanted to be a leader of something and so he became creepily enveloped by a "loving god" of some sort....and "taught" others to do the same. anyways, we were in the AG building and he was talking about going to andrews funeral the next day. the outgoing kids all agreed. i just sat there. i never felt like part of them. i just...heh...just wanted to somewhere to be. i wanted to go the funeral too and decided i would tag along. the oraganized a bus to go out the next day at lunch. the next day came and when the lunch bell rang we all gathered outside by the flagpole which overlooked the parking lot. all the followers were congrating. chris,of course, was practically the first one there. i stood back a little bit because i was shy and, in truth, didnt want to be talked to. i just wanted to go pay my respects. not being talked too was easy enough i suppose because no one ever spoke to me in the first place. this girl Lizzie, always wore straight legged jeans and plain shirts that were never too tight...never wore makeup and had freakishly straight hair, was the only one that really chatted with me. but even when she did it was a completely idle conversation. The group began to board the bus.......i backed up. why? i dont know. i'll never know. i backed up until no one would notice me. then i turned on my heel and briskly walked the opposite direction. head down, i climbed the outside stairs which let to the little outdoor walkway. i stood up there and watched the kids board the bus. then i watched the bus leave the parking lot and make its way to deliver the group of mourners to pay their respects to Andrew. then i started regretting my quick decision. i should've gone. but instead i was standing on this cold, concrete walkway infested with angsty teens. i decided to go home. i did that a lot that year...just left school. i was very alone. thats also the year i wore nothing but long skirts and wool coats. i would walk home through the fields and amongst the identical homes, always paying attention to my environment. it took me a long time to walk home but i didnt mind the walk. i dont remember the rest of that day, but it was very dissapointing.

and now there is jon taylors death.
when i catch word of a funeral for him, i will make a point to attend.
I think of his brother Alex, a good friend. it must be hard. i've only lost grandparents and dogs.

the silent hill 2 soundtrack is appropriate right now. I wish jake would contact me. it would be nice to share my thoughts with him with my voice,not through cyberspace.

ugh. tonight is not good. i have a horrible feeling in my stomach. i want to be out.

.....i think i will go out...

to the hills.

farewell.

heartoutofchest. this life. so interesting. so intriguing. constantly uncovering artifacts. trekking accross new terrain. desolate wilderness. two energies binded by a constant force.

ugh. ani difranco makes me smell a certain smell. mortiis, help me decipher the mysterious ani difranco smell. um.i guess its the smell of dirty, wet carpet mixed with women.

i need to go buy dog vitamins.

"God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives: who will wipe this blood off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become gods simply to appear worthy of it?

– Nietzsche, The Gay Science"

women

today i looked outside and, again, fresh snow infested the ground.....lots of fresh snow. O.O So...i decided to go out and partake in it. I put on a warm coat and my mountain shoes.Dudley stayed home and matty and i stepped outside. How wonderful! It was still snowing pretty hard...and we were trekking in new snow. i love that...walking on something no one has walked on before...even if it is just snow. I played the .hack/sign soundtrack on my eye pawed....it proved to be very fitting. I like walking with matty because she stayes right next to me, never venturing far. <3 i am extremely thankful for her. ^.^;; We walked around the neighborhood, which i quickly got bored of....so i took her to the road that just ends. Its a great place. Where the road ends there is a small barb-wire fence and a huge, magestic, fine speicimen of a tree. I love that tree dearly..I always have ever since i discovered it. Behind the fence is a large field....probably belongs to someone but it makes a fine place to just sit and revel. Matty ran around and i stood looking up at the snow. oh, how i admire it. We then traversed out into the street, accross the road, past a school, and to a frozenish pond. In the summer there are many frogs hopping around there. We walked for a very long time! Then we began on our way back and there was this older woman, perhaps in her late 50's, going out to her mailbox. she had on a green coat and camo pants and big green boots. I did the neighborly thing and said "hi"....and asked her how she liked the snow. then our conversation went like this..
Her- "I love it but i wish i were enjoying it in the mountains."
Me- "gah. me too. Its too bad there are no forests around this neighborhood."
Her-"Its my goal to go live in a cabin in the mountains where i can just paint and write.."
Me- "*surprised* me too!.....thats my dream as well...often i prefer trees over people"
Her- "Thats why i moved here....i used to live in California"
then we talked about writing and she told me that somedays she writes poems as long as 3 pages....and how she is inspired by the strangest things.....and i liked talking to her a lot. she was a very good woman.


Mer- "

*crawls on top of a big box*
yes.
*sprawls out*
ahh
*crosses paws and flicks tail*

the last few days have been quite intriguing! No longer do i feel like Lemuel Gulliver, tied to the ground by my negative thoughts and pitiful moods. Work doesnt faze me as much...im in the steady process of finding a new one so that is good. and...i think that that was the biggest of my problems. and now i have remedied it.....and i am content. and i have also been seeing more people which is great. i have missed my social life tremendously!!
i've been in such an exploratory mood lately. Jakes' Exploratory Wandering mix has come in handy. Today Matty and I, after a dissapointing conversation with the head of Ewing Animal Clinic, stopped at Merrill park in Eagle. It had snowed a decent amount the night before so the entire park was just covered in virgin snow. It was magical. Matty and I walked through the park until my socks were practically soaked...I like how the cold basically consumes your face. .........you know the feeling.
This winter is unique i think.
But, alas, it is that time in the winter season in which i am eager for the inevitable transition...I think its because of when we set up that damn tent in my garage. o.O I didnt go camping once last year which is pathetic! Well...i did go with Tom that one time but that was hardly camping. *scoffs* I really want to get back up to Seven Devils....it was so pretty there. Almost eerie scenery...which is what i absolutely thrive on.
*sigh*
those feelings....the ones you seem to be at complete mercy with. You cant stop them. By resisting they'll just eat at you more and more and more until you just break...then they flow into you like some sort of unyielding river.. o.O
aye. the mind is powerful.

that is all.

trepanation. i've been reading about it all day. Very interesting. Its believed that trepanation, the act of drilling a hole in your skull, will act as a "third eye" per say and therefore allow you to reach a higher level of conciousness. The theory is that more bloodflow to the brain, the more lucid you can think. To think that there's that cluster of individuals out there who actually take on this practice, using crude surgical tools and, in the secrecy of their own home, drill out holes in their skulls. Risky business for the longing of higher levels of understanding. A certain individual sticks out to me though as i read about this....Amanda Feilding...she actually documented herself doing this procedure on herself.....completely aware......The film is called "Hearbeat in the Brain" and was produced in 1970. I've been looking on the internet for it but it seems to be very hard to get a hold of. Amanda and her close friend, who also strongly believed in the trepanation theory was this man named Joey Mellen and he wrote a book concerning the subject called Bore Hole. He attempted trepanation three times. No luck with the first two attemps but on the third, with some help from a hit of LSD, he had success......I found this quote from his book describing his success...

"'After some time there was an ominous sounding schlurp and the sound of bubbling. I drew the trepan out and the gurgling continued. It sounded like air bubbles running under the skull as they were pressed out. I looked at the trepan and there was a bit of bone in it. At last! On closer inspection I saw that the disc of bone was much deeper on one side than on the other. Obviously the trepan had not been straight and had gone through at one point only, then the piece of bone had snapped off and come out. I was reluctant to start drilling again for fear of damaging the brain membranes with the deeper part while I was cutting through the rest or of breaking off a splinter. If only I had an electric drill it would have been so much simpler. Amanda was sure I was through. There seemed no other explanation for the schlurping noises I decided to call it a day. At the time I thought that any hole would do, no matter what size. I bandaged up my head and cleared away the mess."


its so interesting. I wonder if Amanda and Joey have actually reached the state of conciousness in which they were striving for. I suppose it goes to show that people are indeed aware that this is an important thing to achieve in your lifetime. And...some people will go to extremes to obtain it. Its funny because this subject, not trepanation, but the act of reaching some sort of higher knowledge within yourself has been very common lately through day to day conversation.

we are all on some sort of existential journey. we're all becoming more and more aware of the importance of it.....

oi. what a glorious age we live in.