lifting a veil.....

selfeggio

2012-01-11T21:10:00.000-08:00

intelligence is stored within the cells of the body, and when the right resonance comes and releases that information to become inherent information or inherent KNOWLEDGE – that comes from the true Self. That is why so many of us seem to jump form one stimuli to another looking for what will resonate in us.

Nothing that is EVERYTHING – The Womb of Creation

Heaven, to me, is the complete synchronization with higher frequencies and vibrations of creation being totally entrained. In other words, being in a state of at-one-ment.

When you are observing an object, on some level the object is observing you.

The forms of snowflakes and faces of flowers may take on their shape because they are responding to some sound in nature. Likewise, it is possible that crystals, plants, and human beings may be, in some way, music that has taken on visible form

2011-10-04T21:49:00.000-07:00

Now see here, i shall continue my musings on this blog. There have been far too many words muddled up in my mind to let them idle any longer. I know I must write and I know writing does me a world of good. And...so much has happened. I don't live in the same world as I once did. I am a different Haley yet so much of the same Haley. It is useless to try to sum up the last 6 or 7 months but what I do know is that I once believe in love again, I believe in the goodness of people, and I believe that I am still here for a very particular reason. New den, new loves, new path....I have seen the dark. The darkest of the dark. And yet I have also seen light. I've been aboard a very intricate yin and yang; rocking very silently into a very eternal and very ineffable abyss. So much is happpening.....

cogs turning

2010-10-28T20:44:00.000-07:00

wow. my last post on here was in August 2009....a year has passed and i feel like i am completely disconnected from the person who wrote all this... In just this short little year-time I feel as though I have gained a world of experience and have been rolling about, understanding much for myself. Very interesting...

If all this has happened in one year, i wonder what I will be like in 5...? Will I still look back on myself and say 'I've grown so much..'. I hope to always grow and reach and constantly learn
learn
learn..

learning to be.

2009-08-11T23:10:00.001-07:00

i haven't written on this blog in ages. >.> I wish i could some up the last few months in just a big ball of adjective.
holy crap
holy crap

myriads of minutes=long days= .....infinity.
i feel infinite. maybe thats it...Like i could stretch my head wherever it pleases and it would just keep going forever and ever...

2009-05-03T19:16:00.000-07:00

okay. so.

don't forget, haley. you really like Lemongrass.

I had forgotten "trip-hop" existed. i've been on such a neofolk/classical kick lately that i had become completely unattatched to my adoration for trip-hop...it makes me want to just lay naked on a shaggy red rug and sip some fancy and miraculous mixed drink while the sun comes up.

Theres this song by Jennie Lofgren I really like called 'Today'.

i need to figure out how to burn cds, dammit. I am quite technology impaired. Perhaps walter freeman should dig around under my eyelids with an icepick until i imbibe the knowledge...

estrogen enigmas

2008-12-23T17:22:00.001-08:00

there are some girls i have always loved.

nostalgic tunes with a beat tripping over themselves on their way out of the speakers...

gnostic poem

2008-12-22T11:09:00.001-08:00

I was sent forth from the power,

and I have come to those who reflect upon me,
and I have been found among those who seek after me.
Look upon me, you who reflect upon me,
and you hearers, hear me.
You who are waiting for me, take me to yourselves.
And do not banish me from your sight.
And do not make your voice hate me, nor your hearing.
Do not be ignorant of me anywhere or any time. Be on your guard!
Do not be ignorant of me.
For I am the first and the last.
I am the honored one and the scorned one.
I am the whore and the holy one.
I am the wife and the virgin.
I am and the daughter.
I am the members of my mother.
I am the barren one
and many are her sons.
I am she whose wedding is great,
and I have not taken a husband.
I am the midwife and she who does not bear.
I am the solace of my labor pains.
I am the bride and the bridegroom,
and it is my husband who begot me.
I am the mother of my father
and the sister of my husband
and he is my offspring.
I am the slave of him who prepared me.
I am the ruler of my offspring.
But he is the one who begot me before the time on a birthday.
And he is my offspring in (due) time,
and my power is from him.
I am the staff of his power in his youth,
and he is the rod of my old age.
And whatever he wills happens to me.
I am the silence that is incomprehensible
and the idea whose remembrance is frequent.
I am the voice whose sound is manifold
and the word whose appearance is multiple.
I am the utterance of my name.
Why, you who hate me, do you love me,
and hate those who love me?
You who deny me, confess me,
and you who confess me, deny me.
You who tell the truth about me, lie about me,
and you who have lied about me, tell the truth about me.
You who know me, be ignorant of me,
and those who have not known me, let them know me.
For I am knowledge and ignorance.
I am shame and boldness.
I am shameless; I am ashamed.
I am strength and I am fear.
I am war and peace.
Give heed to me.
I am the one who is disgraced and the great one.
Give heed to my poverty and my wealth.
Do not be arrogant to me when I am cast out upon the earth,
and you will find me in those that are to come.
And do not look upon me on the dung-heap
nor go and leave me cast out,
and you will find me in the kingdoms.
And do not look upon me when I am cast out among those who
are disgraced and in the least places,
nor laugh at me.
And do not cast me out among those who are slain in violence.
But I, I am compassionate and I am cruel.
Be on your guard!
Do not hate my obedience
and do not love my self-control.
In my weakness, do not forsake me,
and do not be afraid of my power.
For why do you despise my fear
and curse my pride?
But I am she who exists in all fears
and strength in trembling.
I am she who is weak,
and I am well in a pleasant place.
I am senseless and I am wise.
Why have you hated me in your counsels?
For I shall be silent among those who are silent,
and I shall appear and speak,
Why then have you hated me, you Greeks?
Because I am a barbarian among the barbarians?
For I am the wisdom of the Greeks
and the knowledge of the barbarians.
I am the judgement of the Greeks and of the barbarians.
I am the one whose image is great in Egypt
and the one who has no image among the barbarians.
I am the one who has been hated everywhere
and who has been loved everywhere.
I am the one whom they call Life,
and you have called Death.
I am the one whom they call Law,
and you have called Lawlessness.
I am the one whom you have pursued,
and I am the one whom you have seized.
I am the one whom you have scattered,
and you have gathered me together.
I am the one before whom you have been ashamed,
and you have been shameless to me.
I am she who does not keep festival,
and I am she whose festivals are many.
I, I am godless,
and I am the one whose God is great.
I am the one whom you have reflected upon,
and you have scorned me.
I am unlearned,
and they learn from me.
I am the one that you have despised,
and you reflect upon me.
I am the one whom you have hidden from,
and you appear to me.
But whenever you hide yourselves,
I myself will appear.
For whenever you appear,
I myself will hide from you.
Those who have [...] to it [...] senselessly [...].
Take me [... understanding] from grief.
and take me to yourselves from understanding and grief.
And take me to yourselves from places that are ugly and in ruin,
and rob from those which are good even though in ugliness.
Out of shame, take me to yourselves shamelessly;
and out of shamelessness and shame,
upbraid my members in yourselves.
And come forward to me, you who know me
and you who know my members,
and establish the great ones among the small first creatures.
Come forward to childhood,
and do not despise it because it is small and it is little.
And do not turn away greatnesses in some parts from the smallnesses,
for the smallnesses are known from the greatnesses.
Why do you curse me and honor me?
You have wounded and you have had mercy.
Do not separate me from the first ones whom you have known.
And do not cast anyone out nor turn anyone away
[...] turn you away and [... know] him not.
[...].
What is mine [...].
I know the first ones and those after them know me.
But I am the mind of [...] and the rest of [...].
I am the knowledge of my inquiry,
and the finding of those who seek after me,
and the command of those who ask of me,
and the power of the powers in my knowledge
of the angels, who have been sent at my word,
and of gods in their seasons by my counsel,
and of spirits of every man who exists with me,
and of women who dwell within me.
I am the one who is honored, and who is praised,
and who is despised scornfully.
I am peace,
and war has come because of me.
And I am an alien and a citizen.
I am the substance and the one who has no substance.
Those who are without association with me are ignorant of me,
and those who are in my substance are the ones who know me.
Those who are close to me have been ignorant of me,
and those who are far away from me are the ones who have known me.
On the day when I am close to you, you are far away from me,
and on the day when I am far away from you, I am close to you.
[I am ...] within.
[I am ...] of the natures.
I am [...] of the creation of the spirits.
[...] request of the souls.
I am control and the uncontrollable.
I am the union and the dissolution.
I am the abiding and I am the dissolution.
I am the one below,
and they come up to me.
I am the judgment and the acquittal.
I, I am sinless,
and the root of sin derives from me.
I am lust in (outward) appearance,
and interior self-control exists within me.
I am the hearing which is attainable to everyone
and the speech which cannot be grasped.
I am a mute who does not speak,
and great is my multitude of words.
Hear me in gentleness, and learn of me in roughness.
I am she who cries out,
and I am cast forth upon the face of the earth.
I prepare the bread and my mind within.
I am the knowledge of my name.
I am the one who cries out,
and I listen.
I appear and [...] walk in [...] seal of my [...].
I am [...] the defense [...].
I am the one who is called Truth
and iniquity [...].
You honor me [...] and you whisper against me.
You who are vanquished, judge them (who vanquish you)
before they give judgment against you,
because the judge and partiality exist in you.
If you are condemned by this one, who will acquit you?
Or, if you are acquitted by him, who will be able to detain you?
For what is inside of you is what is outside of you,
and the one who fashions you on the outside
is the one who shaped the inside of you.
And what you see outside of you, you see inside of you;
it is visible and it is your garment.
Hear me, you hearers
and learn of my words, you who know me.
I am the hearing that is attainable to everything;
I am the speech that cannot be grasped.
I am the name of the sound
and the sound of the name.
I am the sign of the letter
and the designation of the division.
And I [...].
(3 lines missing)
[...] light [...].
[...] hearers [...] to you
[...] the great power.
And [...] will not move the name.
[...] to the one who created me.
And I will speak his name.
Look then at his words
and all the writings which have been completed.
Give heed then, you hearers
and you also, the angels and those who have been sent,
and you spirits who have arisen from the dead.
For I am the one who alone exists,
and I have no one who will judge me.
For many are the pleasant forms which exist in numerous sins,
and incontinencies,
and disgraceful passions,
and fleeting pleasures,
which (men) embrace until they become sober
and go up to their resting place.
And they will find me there,
and they will live,
and they will not die again.

2008-12-16T17:18:00.000-08:00

...today i have decided that i get much joy out of wearing trench coats. why? Perhaps it is because i am encompassed in something dark and mysterious. I tend to drift toward that feeling. but...trench coats and snow are just a great combination!
I went to work today with 46% of my voice working. It was no good! I laminated things with the crazy mormon and we actually had a semi-decent conversation. I feel i have much less hate in me these days. I think i have actively made my mind dissolve feelings of immense dislike towards people-and for this i am glad. i have been working at it.

today i want to live in europe.

2008-12-11T15:45:00.000-08:00

at work we watched that weird puppet-animation "santa" movie from the 70's. they sang a song about learning to walk (JUST PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER!) yes. you know the song. and i was sitting there in my chair and i concentrated really hard on the act of walking. and then i tried to will myself to forget how to walk completely..and then for a second i got a bit scared and wondered to myself if i actually -could- still walk. so i got up and, of course, i could still walk. it was like when you concentrate on your name (first or last or both) and then, after a while, it seems really foreign to you. i find some weird pleasure in those sort of things.

mate has been busy lately! but i have taken this time to explore my mind. it has been nice. i've been having a very active head the last few days. its lovely.

i sat in the upstairs faculty lounge today. No more getting bothered by creepy old men! It was nice....and it felt like i was hiding out! >.> I also got to see an old teacher of mine who i hadn't seen for a while.

greek olives are so nostalgic.....

i want to better my writing!

2008-10-23T19:44:00.000-07:00

Tori Amos puts me in strange moods. Reminds me of the idaho desert. like what sand hollow looks like only a bit more mysterious. i like mysterious landscapes. when i see this landscape in my head though there seems to be a glare. cant get the full scene...just the general idea.

i feel unsettled.

best unveiling of a character ever

2008-09-21T13:15:00.001-07:00

so you're watching silent hill. a weird androgynous motorcycle cop pulls up at a gas station and ends up following the mom and daughter down the road to silent hill. While this is happening you're just like "what the fuck?" because its just this mystery cop character that for some reason cares too much about this mom and daughter on an estrogen power road trip. Fast forward and the mom has, of course, let her kid run loose around the mystery town and is now trying to fend for herself and tries to drive home. surprise! your car doesn't work. and double surprise! androgynous cop is here to arrest you. they walk down the road only to find that the road has been destroyed leaving a big ol canyon between the 2 sides. take note that at this point the cop is stiill sporting her motorcycle helmet and trendy aviator sunglasses. And then...WTF??!! weird demon creature hobbles towards them and ends up spewing black acid stuff all over. AND THEN. oh yes. that bitch whips off her helmet and glasses in a fraction of a second only to reveal a super butchy blonde haircut and some femininely athletic cop body. and you're just like...holy crap. this cop just got hot!

scholastic!

2008-09-10T18:39:00.001-07:00

Its about the third week into the work/school year and im finally getting used to it. Work no longer stresses me out (or doesn't stress me out at a constant pace, more rather) and I have settled into it for the most part. Im also getting used to Jakes schedule as well even though thats a little harder to get settled in to! I find myself a little lonely for 5 out of 7 days of the week due to people being busy in their own lives and have mainly resorted to books and internet...although the internet habit i would like to kick starting as soon as i finish this blog. I decided I need a new independent hobby outside of the house and so I signed Matty and I up for an agility class taught here in Meridian. That will be interesting....
This work year is strange. I am too quiet I think. And..when it comes to conversing with the teachers and other staff I find myself to be very reserved in my words. At work and even at home i've noticed i've become a bit reclusive. -.- i need to...umm...be more person-able. especially at work. work is people. and people is work! gotta be good at what I do. Damn the school district is sweet. >.> Today I was sitting with a student watching an f'n mickey mouse movie and i was just thinking "god. i get paid for this." For the most part its a very easy position...plus i get a grip of time off. grip. hahahahaha. i haven't used that word in years i think. i forgot the term existed. "grip of trees". hahahahahaha. oh my. so funny. i should remember that. FUCK YA

oh right now, of course, im wondering how mate is. He seems a little stressed lately...which i definatly dont blame him for. >.> busy college student. I miss his company! But...since i dont see him as often, when i do it feels 10X as good. <3

And, of course, my reading selection is just intriguing the sin out of me. i've read liek 3 or 4 chapters out of 3 books and have finally put them in order of how to read them. first, the book im reading now, the golden legend. then im going to finish (most likely reread the beginning part too) of the rosicrucian cosmo conception, then the summa theologica by st. thomas acquinas. Oh, and after all that I might ask Jake to let me borrow his copy of The marriage of heaven and hell by william blake. he read me an excerpt and i thought it was just absolutely fantastic. Oh, and i forgot you read my blog, honey. so...im gonna ask to borrow your book sometime if thats okay! ^.^;
oh. and...holy crap. i listened to that seven seal song so many times trying to interpret it. O.O its insane.

my dinner is done. im a hungry woman.
hippo.
hungry hippo. that game was too quick for me. tooo rough!

mountain nights

2008-08-20T10:41:00.000-07:00

Last night I think Caitlin and I may have re-bonded.>.> We drove up too Cascade to pick up one of her hitch-hiker friends who got arrested up there the day before. The night sky was just incredible up there..the moon was bright, like a planet-y north star. We went up around 10pm and didn't get back to Boise until 1:30ish. Kind words were spoken....and it was very nice. -.- I have missed that sort of interaction with her....I do not exaggerate when I say it has been months and months and months since we have indeed "talked" intimately with one another. When we got back to her house we layed on her bed and watched her glow in the dark stars which were hanging from her bedroom ceiling...it was just...nice. -.- I wish we could be like that all the time. The night before was just awkward as sin. I drove to Middleton (which was incredible....heat lighting+country roads+yoko kanno=heart pounding!) and I picked up Kim. I enjoy her company. But then we went to Pk's house and....ugh. Whenever I see him, even though ive made plans with him prior to coming over, it always seems as though im inconveniencing him. The way he talks to me and converses with me always makes me feel like he'd rather be somewhere else...or he's thinking about something more important. I don't feel like a close friend of his anymore. and that is that. ohhh these days... this has definatly been one of the most awkward summers. Im looking forward to starting work again...6.6 Mainly so I can put my pre-work anxiety to rest!

I kinda want to go to the History museum today to see the Freemason exhibit...^.^;

*rolls*

2008-08-08T21:07:00.001-07:00

I just wanted to post something on this 8/8/08 day. it only happens once in forever!!

hmm...i suppose right now im thinking about last night. Jake and i trekked in the hills and conversed under the sky. it was very nice. i cherish those times with him.....our words. i have felt a little strange lately...like my words are kind of crooked. or maybe i am viewing things slightly out of focus. some days are like that....some foggier than others. but when i talk and just let things flow out of me i feel much better. its something ive been trying to do more. i am often intraverted soemtimes, and i know this! it reminds me of the alex grey paintings of the mother bearing a child for some reason. in fact, i reference back to that painting quite often for unknown reasons. maybe the way it illustarates the energy flow....haha. for some reason that term seems really cliche to me....

it is weird that mate and i have been mates for a year now. 6.6 time has just snuck right past me! *revels in nostalgia* how cute!

HOY VACANCY

2008-07-29T02:48:00.000-07:00

today i woke up late. too late. my home was empty. and then i sat on my bed and watched jake play FF6 or 7 or 3. After this i ate some food. and then we decided at like 8pm that his bird needed food. we went to his parents house and that damn bird was dead. just kidding.
AND THEN
AND THEN
AND THEN
we were socially productive.

and dudley did it wrong.
..as usual.

he does everything wrong. hes just so...so big. you know? i mean that dog is like the lard isle in the the mexican section of winco!! and god i hate that section. it makes me feel dirty. JOSES TORTILLA CHIPS. JOSES DRIED PEPPERS. JOSES TUB O LARD. thats dudleys place. son of a bitch.

2008-07-26T02:55:00.000-07:00

today i collected grave rubbings. then i sat at home and read the Botany of Desire. it coincides with many conversations as of late. very strange.

2008-07-22T11:24:00.000-07:00

Oh this new current 93 album sends chills all throughout me...ive been playing 'I looked to the southside' too many times within the last hour...i dont know why but this music pulls and claws at me like none other. Perhaps its the basis behind the music...perhaps its my connotations with it...i do not know.
Its so strange how these days have been going by. Its as if they're all connected by a mere door that i just quietly open at the end of the night and slip through and lo and behold i begin to squint for its suddenly morning. a great merging of some sort has been controlling my days, my hours, my minutes.

ive been reading about of coptology lately...and saints....and early christianity. it just intrigues me for some reason...a reason i have yet to put a finger on! For such a historically 'positive' time, there is a sort of darkness and mystery about it that i can't seem to get past.

oh i cant concentrate!

ebb and flow of universal tides

2008-06-23T18:51:00.000-07:00

oh, i feel as though something big has awoken inside of me. i get these feelings sometimes....some force begins tossing and turning within my being and my entire entity seems lost in it. but it is the good kind of lost..the kind that you are happy to be enveloped in.
Last night was very good. very strange, but very good. jake and i went up to Arrowrock Dam and pitched a tent in an awkward little "armpit" of the dirt road. It had many trees and bushes and water at the shore.... interesting little cubes were stubbornly consumed. and then thats when things took off. I hadn't done this in quite awhile and so of course i was hesitant but...damn. The sky was just...overwehlming. i haven't experienced something like that in ages. it was a completely exhilerating event. >.> it makes my throat burn just contimplating the beauty of it....not just the atmosphere we were in but also who i was in the company of...and the almost necessary mental patterns i captured within...

i hold things like that very close.
so, so close.

inferno

2008-06-16T22:01:00.000-07:00

i need to read this....and i mean the book! not just the synopsis on wikipedia. >.>

2008-06-16T21:10:00.001-07:00

2008-06-08T20:13:00.001-07:00

I am such a hypocrite when it comes to words. On one hand i preach that they are ineffectual little clumps of letters that are just used to make life a bit more tangible. On the other hand, it seems that these words are the complete basis for all emotions/theories/conjectures that escape the ever-so complex human mind. With words, assuming you've played scribe and actually written things down, you can instantly be thrown into...yes....round feelings. you can leave your present state of being and cover yourself up with things once understood and felt and knew.. Instead of sitting here on your comfy-ish chair in front of your weird computer monitor that makes your face glow here in this dark room, you can take yourself to a place that has no walls. no limitations....only words are familiar now. today has been a day of nostalgia. oh, i hate nostalgia. i loathe it. but.....sometimes i go looking for it. i dont know why and... i shall never know what exactly that driving force behind this crave for nostalgia is. we all have it. i know this at least. i am not the only one whos heart floats...whos eyes ache at the relentless pull of that ineffable series of sentimental thoughts. do not deny. i am curious as to why these feelings exist. should i sit down with them and admire them? build on them? find them a new hiding place? not sure. they visit me when they please, coming and going much like an illusive wind. for the moment i welcome their visits. although they do make me awfully restless. almost make me guilty for just sitting here, reading words. Words! dont you see? they are all just WORDS and look! Look at the sort of things they are capable of provoking in one. perhaps i should correct myself when i say that words are not of high importance because, in reality, ....they are everything. they give life to life that gives life and so on. speaking of.. life is at an interesting place right now. im not immensely esctatic about anything, and im not completely rolled up in a sort of somber trance. i am, for the moment, content. the valley is getting warmer. another summer is stretching its legs. how strange its already been almost a year for the mate and i. I am still amazed at our bond...i think it will always fascinate me. this mate of mine is a source of so many things for me; my companion to traverse the land with.......my partner to question universal anomalies with....my comic relief and my personal anchor all rolled up into one. there are too many connotations for him. He is one i will run in meadows and bound about in endless clearings with. our tails bouncing as paws hit the ground, kicking up new earth under some sort of majestic moonlight.
that is all.

WE BBBYYY

2008-06-06T21:58:00.000-07:00

8-ish pm. matty and i went downtown to caitlins abode to give her my late birthday gift. it was a 'tribal' style wolf...done with india ink on cardboard. i had been eyeing tribal-style things all day and decided to try my hand at it. it came out alright! took me forever though. I get to her house and surprise! shes leaving. "oh im going camping and i was going to invite you but...." voice trails. so then i got back in my car. i drove to the co-op to get some ginseng. but they were closing in ten minutes and i was feeling pressured! so i left! got back in the car and ended up going to the ridiculous, and i emphasize 'ridicuous!, dog park!! Ok. the concept of a dog park is this: a bunch of lonely ass/ mentally unstable sons of bitches wrangle their dogs together and bring them into a fenced area. about 70% of the people that come are huge and old. the other 30% are okay to look at until they open their mouths..."oh...MY DOG>...MY DOG....SHE EATS LIKE THIS....MY DOG....SHE DOES THIS!...." holy crap. and then they ALL ask the same questions and tell you the same things..."HOW OLD IS HE?" "WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THAT?" "BAHHH WE GOT OUR DOG HERE" and then theres the thing i absolutely hate...its when they comment on YOUR dog..trying to tell you what breed it is and what not. "ITS PART RHODESIAN RIDGEBACK". fuck no shes not. are you crazy? have you even SEEN one?? god damn i worked with dogs for how long and i only saw one. i hate dog parks. go, matty. run around. have your fun chasing the other k9s but, for the love of mike, dog-park people, please dont talk to me. you push me over the edge! THis one 800lb old woman kept telling me about her puppys' eating pattern and after that i was done. i took off and me and matty went and layed down in the cemetary. by this time it was dusk. oh...yea. and during this time i was guzzling down a ridiculous amount of kava and it felt great. it made the dog park bearable. i forgot how numb your tounge can get when consuming that much. i love kava. new guilty pleasure. thoughts become quite lucid and everything seems more enjoyable. music tonight was just great. more internal...if that makes sense. anyways. after the dog park i decided to head home. i really wanted to read my dystopian novel. i cant put it down. i layed in bed this morning for like an hour reading it. ive been so into books lately. ^.^ I decided to take Hill Rd. home. why? because i adore it. i live for the tree tunnel at the end. as i drove down hill road i came to the intersection the West jr. high sits on. the sky was getting darkish. still fairly light but...you know...it was twilight time. ive never driven down that road but im glad i did. i searched the eye pawed for suiting music and settled for Rasputina. it had been so long since ive listened to them. i turned my stereo up as loud as it could go while still maintaining good sound quality (^.~) and sped down the hillside road. it led me to an expensive rolling neighborhood....i whipped through it, juggling my attention between the road and the sky. i came to a few dead ends, which was okay. quick manuevers got me turned around and i was off again. eventually i came to a very sudden hault...the road just kinda stopped...a barrier sign was placed where the road should have continued. beyond this inconvenience was something great. a little valley among some fine hills. the light on it was darkish light. and it looked oh-so appetizing! i got out of the car and of course, matty followed me. the air was crisp, which is odd for the first week of june. we walked down a dirt path..and it eventually turned into running down the path! it just felt so good to be under the universe in my little bubble in this newfound area. eventually we made our way back to the car and retraced our tire steps. back on hill rd, through the lovely, lovely tree tunnel, and back to civilization. i looked for steve at the cemetary. but he was not there. he finally payed off his stump chumper! good for you, steve! I drove down meridian/ustick and went to settlers park. they play movies there on friday nights on a big roll our screen. it was packed. and also very cold. i looked at it from my car but was too cold to get out! plus i was getting tired. D: so then we went home. i ate some food. and here i am. writing about it.

i am missing my man i think too. i havent seen him in a couple days. *crawls in a hole*

holy crap

2008-06-04T15:09:00.000-07:00

oh wow! Today was an interesting one. I drove to work this morning, a half of a granola bar in my hands....not expecting what would come! I go into the classroom and all the students were like, "PICTUREZZ PICTUREZZ". So we all took photos together. its weird because you know they'll keep those pictures forever! Your frozen face permanently in their collection. o.O We passed out yearbooks and the trading frenzy began. all i really wrote in the kids' books was "...read a book" or something relevant to that. i think i wrote a few "KNOWLEDGE IS POWER" signatures too. hahaha. oh yes. The day was a half day so the periods were short. no tampon needed. we were sitting in the dark classroom, watching cartoons and waiting for the bell to ring.
waited. waited. waited.
and. it never rang. Instead, the lady principals' voice sounded over the intercom and kept on telling the teachers to check their email. she made this annoncement about 7 or 8 times in chunk of time which ended up lasting about 3 hours. During this time the kids were getting anxious. poor cody just wanted people to sign his book. you can only watch old cartoons for so long. D: I went to the back and asked what was up. because i had no idea why we weren't leaving the room. AND THEN i learn that we are in a hardcore lockdown and there are dogs and cops coming out of the woodwork on the campus. holy crap. i had no idea that any of this was going on. that explained why all the blinds were closed and why no one was allowed to leave the room. turns out they found a magazine clip of 'active' bullets on campus. and on top of that there was a bomb threat. oh crap.. long story short, we were let go eventually and the day proceeded. But...damn. thats the second lockdown we had in about 2 or 3 weeks. OH yea..haha. and so there was NO announcement the whole time about the lockdown...just "teachers please check your email". at the very end, the last announcement said "thanks! the lockdown is over"! you can imagine the way the students reacted to this. "WE WERE IN A LOCKDOWN??!!" hahahahaha. so funny. but super creepy.
i got to stand in the big huge line of teachers and wave the buses away. that was fun.i remember the teachers doing that when i was in 8th grade. never thought id be one of them. also attended a teacher bbq. all the paras were on edge due to uncertainity of a job next year. mindy got fired due to poor attendance. point for me! oops.
oh and yesterday mingo walked out. the last thing he said to me was "crooked bastards" in reference to the administrators as we hurried to class in the morning.. then during my lunch i hear he just kinda left. >.> so strange.
i didnt even get to say goodbye to half of my students. the lockdown skewed the schedule. i will miss that job.

yesterday i went for a good drive. the sky was chalky and colorful. neutrals. huge clouds stamped accross it.

owww

2008-05-27T20:09:00.000-07:00

damn. i am in a rut! I am tired of little old meridian and am ready to fly the coop but my lack of funds and a steady job are hindering me from fulfilling that dream. I am most likely going to apply either CSI or University of Phoenix to obtain my Associate Paraprofessional Education degree. should i get a teaching emphasis or...i dont know. I would just like a job, please. damn the school district and their employee cuts. damn old crones for gettting to stay on the bill due to their rediculous seniority.

reality has hit me in the face tonight. oh god damn it gave me a bloody nose.

cliffs, mountains, water, and woods

2008-05-18T15:11:00.000-07:00

"The idea that God is an oversized white male with a flowing beard, who sits in the sky and tallies the fall of every sparrow is ludicrous. But if by 'God,' one means the set of physical laws that govern the universe, then clearly there is such a God. This God is emotionally unsatisfying... it does not make much sense to pray to the law of gravity."

Jake, Matty, and I went to the woods this weekend. to the boise forest near crouch...it was cozy. we climbed on things and explored strange roads. My inhibitions are becoming less of a nuisance when it comes to altering my perceptions. it is no goal of mine but it is a part of myself i am gaining back. for learning purposes. understanding.
..inhibitions. why do we even acknowledge them? -.-
the woods are a wonderful place.
filled with an eerie yet simply euphoric energy.
I have come back with something.

i am listening to current 93...i have finally read about the source of the music and yes, jake was right...its a very interesting subject. the gnostic reasoning of this David Tibet character definatly catches my attention. the lyrics of "in the heart of the woods..." mentions the cliffs of moher. looking at photos of this irish destination definatly makes that song a little more cogent. i would like to go there....it looks like a place that you're obligated to spend time at....

SUCCULENT WILD MATTYPIG

2008-05-02T17:53:00.001-07:00

okay. let me try to explain.
i am listening to this classical music....slightly similar to that indescribable thomas tallis masterpiece. consequently i have this feeling in my core. some kind of tie to complete freedom...
it puts me in a place that is out. out from the city..and the people...and the every-day troubles we are constantly thrown into. maybe the atmosphere in this "out" place is warm but with a sneaky breeze. it is definatly night time. wind smells are sifting into my nasal passages like gold is sifted from streams. only the good ones are noticed. sky=bright. a clear night with the galaxy visible. look around. nothing. sillhouettes of trees and maybe far off mountain peaks.
that is where i like to be.
out where there are no inhibitions...physically nor mentally. here you are free to spelunk the deepest niches of the mind.
i have felt this and so have you.
it is what motivates me.
more rather, what drives me.

words, i am often lacking..

feelings...
i admire. how do we come up with these?

2008-05-01T14:48:00.000-07:00

*peers out from under an oversized hat*

nice smells-
1. of course, hot laminator.
2. dog paws.
why do dog paws smell like a newly vacuumed room???

hell of a day

2008-04-30T16:14:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning feeling much, much better. im very glad i took the day off yesterday...i caught up on my reading (finished The Last Unicorn and began Food of the Gods)...and had a complete healing day. and it payed off. and im not preggers. praise sanjaya.

I was a little late for work but no worries. It started off as an ordinary day....the children behaved sparatically, as usual. nothing too bad. until the middle of 4th period. we were in the home room, all of us together when a very bulky, tall man in a striped shirt and a tie clinging to his shoulder (due to the extreme wind) came hurrying in. "Hi im mr. S-gjdfisgjdfkg." nobody could understand what his last name was so he had us call him mr. S. He took a seat in the back of the room and the kids' attention turned back onto Melissa (the teacher). Within the first 10 minutes that this oaf was in the room, he constantly shouted out things that weren't particularly relevant to the discussion. When Melissa had 2 girls go over to the computers, he interrupted and stated in his booming, slightly homosexual voice "i was a network technician for 19 years. i can help them". At this comment i cock my head and think "well they're just logging on to the computer...i dont think it takes a network technician to figure that out..".. and that was just the beginning. Everyone (about 9 resource kidd and 3 paras) are all in their own little groups. I am playing scrabble with the notorious Cody Seymore and Anthony...barely 5 ft, sporting leg braces and hair down to the middle of his back. Melissa tells this substitute to just monitor these 2 kids that are on the computer...to simply watch them. But no. He is difficult. like one of the chidlren. He goes over to jake, who is on his beanbag in the corner due to bad behavior, and asks him ..."HEY BUDDY> YA WANNA ARM WRESTELE??!!" Jake is totally into this idea but Melissa calmly goes over and asks him to go sit back down at the table. He appologized to her but then continues to call out to jake, "WELL HAY IF YOU WANT YOU CAN JUST COME OVER HERE".. by this time melissa is getting pretty annoyed and had to go over and further explain to him that "No, Jake is sitting there for a reason. I need you to sit at that table and monitor the girls on the computer". He sits back down and is like "I just love these kids...I love these kids". Despite of Melissas multiple warnings, he goes over to jake AGAIN. Melissa had to scold this f'n SUBSTITUTE like one of the students.."I need you to sit down and stay there. i am the authority in this room and i need you to sit down and do as i tell you". He is quiet then but..of course...to my disbelief...the next minute i hear him say, pointing at jake.."SO DOES THIS ONE HAVE SOME KIND OF PHYSICAL DISABILITY??!!" I was sitting across the room and by this time my eyes were just wide with astonishment. Did he actually say that in the middle of a full classroom?? Everyone pretended to ignore him for the sake of not embarrassing jake or anyone else. It was just...a WTF moment for sure. When the bell rings i rush to 7th grade science, happy to get away from that guy. Soo...weird.
Bell rings. 2:40.
I go back to the home room and this is when i heard some great stories. I guess Melissa was tired of "Mr. S" so she sent him to room 108, a language class off of the auditorium, which was led by humble, patient, Sue Davis. She is old. pear shaped. but so cute. She tells me that this guy, of course, wasn't following directions. Was waving both of his arms up in the middle of a discussion like a 3rd grader, wanting to tell a story about blisters. O.O wtf. He was completely oblivious to anything and everything. The first thing he said when he entered the room full of LEARNING DISABLED students was, yes, "IM DUMBER THAN ALL OF YOU. I AM DYSLEXIC AND HAVE A.D.D" yea. no shit. He was making such a scene in the class, not following the directions, blurting out random remarks, that when he honest to god grabbed his crotch and told Sue that "i have to go Potty", Dakotah, a pudgy 7th grader asked "...is that guy drunk??" I wouldn't doubt it. A man wandered into the middle school last year, peering into all the windows and trying to open doors. the school went into a lockdown. before the cops could get to the school he ran off campus and they never found him. I wouldn't be surprised if Mr.S was THAT GUY. if he didnt have a substitute badge i totally would have questioned him. well...i do question him! i dont know how he became a sub in the first place because hes totally unprofessional and has no clue what he's doing.
OH...\
and earlier in the day he grabbed his crotch for the first time, asking where the bathroom was and was then told to go to the bathroom with the papersign outside of the building. He took the key. Outside there were two bathrooms. the "mens" bathroom which is now the bathroom that the more extreme resource room uses to change the diapers of the incompetent. The other one, with the paper sign, is the unisex bathroom that everyone else uses. guess which one this guy went into.
and guess what was happening in that room.
yep. he walked in on some kid getting feces wiped out of his anal cavity. Melissa had to personally appologize to the other teacher.

Holy crap. we totally blacklisted this guy from ever come back. melissa wrote a letter to the district and therefore i highly doubt that we will be seeing the wonderful Mr. S ever again. good riddance.

and now...
a quote. from cody seymore. while playing scrabble.

"...we are all champs. but nothing like the champions of the world. they have been champions for 9 years! they win at board games, and sports, and reading! they are the chamnpions of the world!"

my god.

on a less humerous note, my position was cut! guess i wont be working there next year. i actually almost teared up when i heard that. O.O i finally have a job i adore, one that im proud im doing.
I'm going to stay in the school district next year, i think. I just wont be working with the people i do now, which is really too bad. i have come to thoroughly enjoy them....

changechangechange. i am used to it. always accept change. it usually brings you something better.

inconvenience

2008-04-28T20:16:00.000-07:00

i was excited to go exploring today but instead i spent all day inside due to my "almost" sick state. i do not want to get sick!! i dont understand because i wash my hands like 54364363 times a day and use hand sanitizer every 10 min. :( makes me sad. i guess i can catch up on some reading....and thinking.

i would like to meet new people. or get in touch with old friends. i am a little lonely these days i think.

today i tried to conjure up the steps to getting telenet to work but i have forgotten! its been so long. I wanted to get into a MUCK or MUD but just couldnt remember how. -.- i tried to download mudsock but that was giving me trouble too. I found all these telenet communities and i didnt realize it was still so prominent in the webby. i feel ridiculous spending more than an hour trying to figure out an f'n multi-user dungeon so i have given up for the day. time to do things in RL.. 6.6

anyways.
i am flustered.
my nose...it runs.....

glorious

2008-04-26T23:02:00.000-07:00

Today it was very nice out...in the 70s for sure. I definatly wanted to take advantage of this oppurtunity so Matty and i went to the foothills. My super-over-played cd of cradle of filth (x.x) was playing due to my laziness of not wanting to find another music choice. Matty and i arrived on the road that meets up with Reserve Rd......whatever its called....its the one that leads to the gazebo area. We parked somewhere new. why? i do not now. a dirt patch with 3 or 4 cars parked on it. we got out and went down a hill and, yes, there was a dog park i had never even new existed. what luck! matty frolicked but quickly grew bored and a little antisocial. i was glad to leave the awkward dog park conversation ("what kind of dog is that?? how old is she? Oh thats so cute! mine does this. mine does that..") i hate dog park small talk with a passion. >.< im just going to pretend i am deaf next time.
anyways. we climbed a hill and i was not sure where it would lead me, but i welcomed the mystery. i dislike knowing my destination.
unfortunatly the path did lead me somewhere familiar, but i didnt mind. because the place it brought me to was the notorious gazebo. holy place. energy fueled wooden sanctuary. i sighed as i approached it. how funny it looks...all decrepit. graffiti here and there. This odd little creation placed on top of this mighty hill...
i walked to the cement picnic table that was under the gazebo and layed down on it. matty sniffed around as i thought.
It is a fine thinking place. Wind in my ears. Eyes focused in between the wooden planks that make up the roof, and onto the sky.
I thought about my friend Mindy...20 year old mother of 4. i feel very sad for her. she has no time for herself. no time to think. no way she would have the time to come out to a place like this and contimplate life. i am glad i am me.
on that picnic bench i thought about the way i feel about things..
I thought about the mind. human intellect at its finest. if you set yourself to do so, you could reach depts of the mind that you wouldnt think were even possible. The way i see it, in a very literal way, is that the mind is black. a darkish gray. maybe a little brown. when conjuring lesser known and understood feelings about things, you travel backwards. into a yellowish white area. you pass this barrier and you are instantly in the universe. the universe is your own. and the universe is in your mind...always waiting...patiently counting the days, hours, seconds, until you decide to acknowledge it. I think its so incredible, so extremely overwhelming to think and...to even comprehend...that we as humans are capable of the things that we are. look at all the incredible scientists, philosophers, artists...people in general. look at the things we have accomplished. conundrums we have figured out. We potentially have the answer to space and time but the sad thing is is that the majority of the human-being population turns the other cheek when exposed to the idea. People these days are blind and stupid. Wanting instant satisfaction...and satisfaction with things that they can hold and touch. see. they will not even try to conceive the "impossible". I swear i will never let my mind end up numb and cold...
i have travelled to that whitish yellow gate to the mental universe many times and i will continue making trips there. perhaps i'll build a summer house there too.

I think everyone is connected. every person...every animal. i think we all have a sort of mental tie that is wrapped around every being...like those string lights during christmas time. i wish people could learn from each other more thoroughly though. thats the point of being strung together...to take in mind other peoples expereinces, thoughts, ideas. its frusterating we will never know another person truly. Know them to their most extreme. And vice versa. no one will ever know you the way you perceive yourself. Nobody will know what you see in your mind when you try to explain to them your favorite memory. or your most intense experience. or whatever it may be. we are all our own little enigmas. our own universes. ^.^

I am listening to Castlevania4 midis...well....the cave/waterfall midi on repeat. it is cozy. that game is incredible.

april 17th

2008-04-17T16:46:00.000-07:00

I came downstairs today and mother had lit incense....the smoke hadn't been disturbed so it had created a sort of fog in the living room. i could get the sparse clouds of scented smoke right to my line of sight....seeing both the top and bottom of it. Then i decided to lay under it. it was nice being under a canopy of smoke until dudley....redicilous dudley.....decided to run over and wag his tail and ruin it!

2008-04-04T19:49:00.000-07:00

Even though its not warm outside in the slightest bit, i feel the sensation of a summer night staring at me through the window. I am anxious....ready for something. I can see the upper sky through the window. Dark blue at the top, flowing into a greenish blue towards the bottom...

vrrrrrrrooooom

2008-04-02T22:33:00.000-07:00

Hello. i am sitting at home with an achy set of ovaries and im suffering from a disease called matesickness. jake has been busy and ive been horny. D: sometimes life and nature are just not fair to you. I got back from portland the other day. it was very fun! haven't been travelling since christmas time so it was a good break. i had good travelling companions (jake, caitlin, chris bloxham). between the rancid punk rocker house, rainy walks, terrifying/awkward train rides, and general mood of happiness, it was a very good time! ^.^ Jake and i and the snook family are going to greece in june.....sooo excited. i finally get to take my lover to a crazy destination. how exhilerating. i've been spending lots of time with caitlin...thats good. i like her. my only girl friend!!
i walked a long walk today! kinda. i was sitting on my couch and i ate too much food so i decided to do something active so i walked all over downtown meridian....i like walking with the furkids. then i came home and attempted to draw but the mood wasnt there so i just watched a movie. drawing is so funny for me. i can create things im damn proud of just out of nowhere but then, often, i struggle just drawing something as simple as a head. oh, muse. you have your own mood!!

i am reading a good book called Sharp Teeth-having to do with werewolves and doggies it captures my attention quite thuroughly. im going to go read that now. i have to get up early for im thinking about attending an old mans funeral.

farwell.

icewater

2008-02-21T21:56:00.001-08:00

*looks at entry below* dont ever believe me when i say i'm going to continue with a post. ^.~

It is almost March, which means spring is on its way...and that means it is the time in which i feel almost obligated to reflect on my winter months. Analyze them and pick at them like an unidentifiable food on my plate. As cold and unbearable of a winter it was, there was a sense of "cozyness" about it. perhaps thats because i had a matish companion by my side....not to mention a half naked pig bull who doubles as my shadow. I think of december, the beginning of winter, when i doubted that snow would fall. I laughed at the thought of a "winter" due to my experience with previous Idaho winters. snow rarely stayed more than a day or two and there was the ever-present stangant feel to the winter months. but this wintertide basically kicked all the years before it on its ass. the snow came and came and came.......just like jake! haaha. you are the only one that reads this! but....my god. it was almost a relief. driving to and from my 8hr hell was very treachorous...at the time i was a bit fearful of the icy roads but now that i think about it i almost enjoyed the risk. i....liked the feeling of being, and i know i use this a lot, but i love being at mercy with the elements. i swear. it is a driving force in me. i gaze at the world ever so politely and when it turns around only to growl at me im even more mystified. The skies, of course, are what i really took note of when it comes to the physical sense of the season. Those glowing nights....especially when there was fresh snow on the ground (and lots of it!!). I liked going for night time walks with matty, appropriate black metal courtesy of jake streaming throuhg my headphones, head up, eyes fixed on the luminous orange sky, eating crisp air until i thought my lungs would freeze. the scene i attempted to describe in my last blog stands out to me the most when i think of the winter months. the bond i felt with mate and nature is almost too hard to wrap in words. trying to explain the ecstasy, passion, and wonder of it would be comparable to wrapping a gift with hundreds of sharp edges! almost impossible, unless done so in a careful manner...
A time of newness, it was. *nod* a fresh winter. snow drowned my burdens of the past. suffocated all my petty little vexations. and for that i am relieved. crawling of my snowden i know look at the world in almost a different light. i sit at the top of a large grassy noll swaying my long furry tail...claws digging into new earth, new soil. I peer out at the world with a new mindset. well, not necessarially new, but one i have come to further understand and accept. i have learned i am a complex being.....we all are.

.....whoa. i want to go paint. >.>

......

2008-01-21T22:13:00.000-08:00

no, i dont think i will continue with my last post. i must write a new one! i wrote 'to be continued' because jake and i were eager to get out of the house and adventure in the fog-laden winter night. we put on warm hats and gloves and buttoned up our warm coats and went out to Unit 1. i was glad jake drove because it was getting icy out and i have a tiny fear of driving on ice!! my god. something crazy just happened. >.> as i was typing that sentence, my vision went into my keyboard and i saw extremely vividly getting into jakes car last night. that probably makes absolutely no sense but.... 0.0 wtf??!! then i had to reread the end of that sentence because it looked super foreign. 6.6 *ahem* fuckin weird.
um. well. *cough* anyways...so we drove down the street and into patraics old neighborhood. i hadn't been down that street since months ago. O.O it was strange how such a familiar street can now feel so extremely alien. we parked the car where the path to the greenbeltish area begins and got out. the cold hit us, stinging our bare faces.....our microfiber long johns were no match for the bone chilling cold which somehow managed to claw at us with every step we took. hand in hand we trekked through the new snow, down the woodsy path....we had nice conversations. i like being out in the elements with my mate. we came to a bridge. we crossed and went into a quarry type area with a lake surrounding it i think. it was super foggy and the light was reflecting so it was hard to know where we were really. the sky was reddish and the sillhouettes of trees popped out here and there. the lakeish body of water covered a good portion of the land. we spoke words that only mates seems to speeak and explored out surroundings. what a wonderful visual feast!

to be continued. for realzzz

sigh

2008-01-20T17:37:00.000-08:00

today was good. woke up with mate, skin on skin as usual. <3 very wonderful. when i came home i put on a new bra...which fits me wonderfully...and is a whole cup size bigger than i usually buy!! it makes me feel volumptuous! no, not voluptuous...volumptuous!!!! and then i sat down with some wellness tea and i read a book on love. very insightful! and very relaxing! i havent been able to take time to read a book in a long time. ^.^; And then i went upstairs for some reason and dudley was looking out the window and whining his odd whine. i looked out too and noticed that there was a thick fog coming over the neighborhood. it excited me! i have a deep fascination for foggy winter evenings....the sun was just about to set so there was that very "still" feeling in the air.i got the eye pawed out of the car and obviously went straight to the silent hill 2 soundtrack. matty and i walked to the park in the middle of the subdivision. she ran very very quickly..kicking up snow and eating it too as she ran like a bat out of hell. then we traversed to my tree place....the field where the road ends. the tree looked very god-like in the fog. i went up to it and fondled it bark....tilting me head as i thought about how great the tree is. to be continued

-.-

2008-01-17T21:57:00.000-08:00

...i just found out a highschool friend of mine committed suicide last night.. this is very surreal to me. i went to the academy so classmates were as close as classmates can get at that school, having there only being about 90 kids attending. I wasn't very close to this boy but, my god, i saw him every day....exchanged hellos....made petty "surface" conversations with him...

This is the 2nd acquaintence suicide i've been exposed too. the first one was at the end of freshman year. i went to Meridian High that year. i remember i was sitting in my art class when the secretary made an announcement on the speakers. she said andrew (i forget his last name) has died...and she asked for a moment of silence.....
i remember how i felt at that moment. completely heartbroken. my stomach sank to the pit of me. Andrew attended the same youth group with me, which i have spoken of in a previous post...i was always looking at other people when i was there and my gaze would always be drawn to him somehow. he wasn't the most social boy. he had big glasses and high pants. always wore those dirty tennis shoes. he always appeared as though he was trying so hard to belong, which i suppose is the cliche truth of all suicide victims. He never spoke to anyone...i dont think i ever even saw him mumble a string of coherent words of any sort. basically, he was outcasted. but i watched him. i always did. of course, school wasnt any easier for him. constant torment is what i saw. So...hearing that he had died, and later hearing that it was indeed a nonaccidental death really tore me up. to think that this individual just couldnt take fucking life anymore...so he decided to just end it. how sad/selfish. it makes me sick. makes me sick to think of all the people who are stuck in their own little ruts and refuse to see the way out. most of them are closer than they think. but they are lazy. and selfish. wtf. i remember Chris Olson gathered the "church" goers in the AG building one lunch period. chris was such an f'ing ring leader.....always taking every conversation, every thought, and make it revolve around God. always playing his guitar...he gathered a whole crew. a whole group of young people wanting to belong somewhere. he wanted to be a leader of something and so he became creepily enveloped by a "loving god" of some sort....and "taught" others to do the same. anyways, we were in the AG building and he was talking about going to andrews funeral the next day. the outgoing kids all agreed. i just sat there. i never felt like part of them. i just...heh...just wanted to somewhere to be. i wanted to go the funeral too and decided i would tag along. the oraganized a bus to go out the next day at lunch. the next day came and when the lunch bell rang we all gathered outside by the flagpole which overlooked the parking lot. all the followers were congrating. chris,of course, was practically the first one there. i stood back a little bit because i was shy and, in truth, didnt want to be talked to. i just wanted to go pay my respects. not being talked too was easy enough i suppose because no one ever spoke to me in the first place. this girl Lizzie, always wore straight legged jeans and plain shirts that were never too tight...never wore makeup and had freakishly straight hair, was the only one that really chatted with me. but even when she did it was a completely idle conversation. The group began to board the bus.......i backed up. why? i dont know. i'll never know. i backed up until no one would notice me. then i turned on my heel and briskly walked the opposite direction. head down, i climbed the outside stairs which let to the little outdoor walkway. i stood up there and watched the kids board the bus. then i watched the bus leave the parking lot and make its way to deliver the group of mourners to pay their respects to Andrew. then i started regretting my quick decision. i should've gone. but instead i was standing on this cold, concrete walkway infested with angsty teens. i decided to go home. i did that a lot that year...just left school. i was very alone. thats also the year i wore nothing but long skirts and wool coats. i would walk home through the fields and amongst the identical homes, always paying attention to my environment. it took me a long time to walk home but i didnt mind the walk. i dont remember the rest of that day, but it was very dissapointing.

and now there is jon taylors death.
when i catch word of a funeral for him, i will make a point to attend.
I think of his brother Alex, a good friend. it must be hard. i've only lost grandparents and dogs.

the silent hill 2 soundtrack is appropriate right now. I wish jake would contact me. it would be nice to share my thoughts with him with my voice,not through cyberspace.

ugh. tonight is not good. i have a horrible feeling in my stomach. i want to be out.

.....i think i will go out...

to the hills.

farewell.

2008-01-17T11:14:00.000-08:00

heartoutofchest. this life. so interesting. so intriguing. constantly uncovering artifacts. trekking accross new terrain. desolate wilderness. two energies binded by a constant force.

ugh. ani difranco makes me smell a certain smell. mortiis, help me decipher the mysterious ani difranco smell. um.i guess its the smell of dirty, wet carpet mixed with women.

i need to go buy dog vitamins.

2008-01-08T22:38:00.000-08:00

"God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives: who will wipe this blood off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become gods simply to appear worthy of it?

– Nietzsche, The Gay Science"

women

2008-01-08T09:51:00.000-08:00

today i looked outside and, again, fresh snow infested the ground.....lots of fresh snow. O.O So...i decided to go out and partake in it. I put on a warm coat and my mountain shoes.Dudley stayed home and matty and i stepped outside. How wonderful! It was still snowing pretty hard...and we were trekking in new snow. i love that...walking on something no one has walked on before...even if it is just snow. I played the .hack/sign soundtrack on my eye pawed....it proved to be very fitting. I like walking with matty because she stayes right next to me, never venturing far. <3 i am extremely thankful for her. ^.^;; We walked around the neighborhood, which i quickly got bored of....so i took her to the road that just ends. Its a great place. Where the road ends there is a small barb-wire fence and a huge, magestic, fine speicimen of a tree. I love that tree dearly..I always have ever since i discovered it. Behind the fence is a large field....probably belongs to someone but it makes a fine place to just sit and revel. Matty ran around and i stood looking up at the snow. oh, how i admire it. We then traversed out into the street, accross the road, past a school, and to a frozenish pond. In the summer there are many frogs hopping around there. We walked for a very long time! Then we began on our way back and there was this older woman, perhaps in her late 50's, going out to her mailbox. she had on a green coat and camo pants and big green boots. I did the neighborly thing and said "hi"....and asked her how she liked the snow. then our conversation went like this..
Her- "I love it but i wish i were enjoying it in the mountains."
Me- "gah. me too. Its too bad there are no forests around this neighborhood."
Her-"Its my goal to go live in a cabin in the mountains where i can just paint and write.."
Me- "*surprised* me too!.....thats my dream as well...often i prefer trees over people"
Her- "Thats why i moved here....i used to live in California"
then we talked about writing and she told me that somedays she writes poems as long as 3 pages....and how she is inspired by the strangest things.....and i liked talking to her a lot. she was a very good woman.

Mer- "

2008-01-07T21:44:00.001-08:00

*crawls on top of a big box*
yes.
*sprawls out*
ahh
*crosses paws and flicks tail*

the last few days have been quite intriguing! No longer do i feel like Lemuel Gulliver, tied to the ground by my negative thoughts and pitiful moods. Work doesnt faze me as much...im in the steady process of finding a new one so that is good. and...i think that that was the biggest of my problems. and now i have remedied it.....and i am content. and i have also been seeing more people which is great. i have missed my social life tremendously!!
i've been in such an exploratory mood lately. Jakes' Exploratory Wandering mix has come in handy. Today Matty and I, after a dissapointing conversation with the head of Ewing Animal Clinic, stopped at Merrill park in Eagle. It had snowed a decent amount the night before so the entire park was just covered in virgin snow. It was magical. Matty and I walked through the park until my socks were practically soaked...I like how the cold basically consumes your face. .........you know the feeling.
This winter is unique i think.
But, alas, it is that time in the winter season in which i am eager for the inevitable transition...I think its because of when we set up that damn tent in my garage. o.O I didnt go camping once last year which is pathetic! Well...i did go with Tom that one time but that was hardly camping. *scoffs* I really want to get back up to Seven Devils....it was so pretty there. Almost eerie scenery...which is what i absolutely thrive on.
*sigh*
those feelings....the ones you seem to be at complete mercy with. You cant stop them. By resisting they'll just eat at you more and more and more until you just break...then they flow into you like some sort of unyielding river.. o.O
aye. the mind is powerful.

that is all.

2008-01-07T12:12:00.000-08:00

2008-01-02T11:31:00.000-08:00

trepanation. i've been reading about it all day. Very interesting. Its believed that trepanation, the act of drilling a hole in your skull, will act as a "third eye" per say and therefore allow you to reach a higher level of conciousness. The theory is that more bloodflow to the brain, the more lucid you can think. To think that there's that cluster of individuals out there who actually take on this practice, using crude surgical tools and, in the secrecy of their own home, drill out holes in their skulls. Risky business for the longing of higher levels of understanding. A certain individual sticks out to me though as i read about this....Amanda Feilding...she actually documented herself doing this procedure on herself.....completely aware......The film is called "Hearbeat in the Brain" and was produced in 1970. I've been looking on the internet for it but it seems to be very hard to get a hold of. Amanda and her close friend, who also strongly believed in the trepanation theory was this man named Joey Mellen and he wrote a book concerning the subject called Bore Hole. He attempted trepanation three times. No luck with the first two attemps but on the third, with some help from a hit of LSD, he had success......I found this quote from his book describing his success...

"'After some time there was an ominous sounding schlurp and the sound of bubbling. I drew the trepan out and the gurgling continued. It sounded like air bubbles running under the skull as they were pressed out. I looked at the trepan and there was a bit of bone in it. At last! On closer inspection I saw that the disc of bone was much deeper on one side than on the other. Obviously the trepan had not been straight and had gone through at one point only, then the piece of bone had snapped off and come out. I was reluctant to start drilling again for fear of damaging the brain membranes with the deeper part while I was cutting through the rest or of breaking off a splinter. If only I had an electric drill it would have been so much simpler. Amanda was sure I was through. There seemed no other explanation for the schlurping noises I decided to call it a day. At the time I thought that any hole would do, no matter what size. I bandaged up my head and cleared away the mess."

its so interesting. I wonder if Amanda and Joey have actually reached the state of conciousness in which they were striving for. I suppose it goes to show that people are indeed aware that this is an important thing to achieve in your lifetime. And...some people will go to extremes to obtain it. Its funny because this subject, not trepanation, but the act of reaching some sort of higher knowledge within yourself has been very common lately through day to day conversation.

we are all on some sort of existential journey. we're all becoming more and more aware of the importance of it.....

oi. what a glorious age we live in.

cay-nine. k9. ca-nyne

2007-12-30T10:17:00.000-08:00

i like the smell of a clean, vacant room....
the family has left for church...i am left at home for i must go to work in a few hours. Matty is sitting accross the room from me just staring with that death stare that she tends to give. little "notice me" wimpers are emitting from her periodically. ^.^ oh! i just figured it out. Dudley, her little/big compainion was locked in the mud room all alone! hehe. she was telling me to go let him out. owuuuuuuuuu. shes sooo smart! my little librarian!

i had a lot to write. but my inner core feels restless and i think id rather go paint. O.O

*rolls away....*

expeditions of the mind

2007-12-17T07:54:00.000-08:00

last night i had an interesting dream, not to mention very vivid. It was a dream with an atmosphere i can't quite put into words..You see, I was at work.....and i had opened a door i had never seen before. It was an exit door at the back of the establishment. Im not sure why i opened it but i did. As soon as i swung the big metal door open, a crisp wind engulfed me. i looked out and there was a long winding path....a dirt road, just wide enough for one to walk on started at the exit door and stretched as far as i could see......all through out this gorgeous valley.....a steep cliff on one side exposed a waterfall of some sort. There was mist where the path narrowed at the top of the hill. Greens and sepia tones were the color scheme....with a grey sky stenciling the tops of the hills. I looked around and contimplated telling someone of my find, but then shook my head and stepped foot onto the path, letting the steel door slam behind me. It was strange that this unoccupied, and undiscovered stretch of land was directly behind the All Valley Animal Resort...o.O i crawled over a crudely buily wooden fence, only about as high as my midbody, and started down this enigma of a path. I looked to the left, a heavy wooded area where i could see a small stone building next to a river. Strange, because that buildiing was very much involved in my dream the night before. I kept walking until the path forked. I looked around. I was at the lowest point in the path....the hills had indeed absorbed me at this point. Decrepit wooden structures, old houses....unused fences were littered amongst the hills, tucked into the places which were shadowed. I continued traversing down the path that went upward. As i did so, i heard my mothers voice in my head telling me, almost in a narrative voice, "and this is where i lost my two closest friends. They were killed in these woods and it made me very sad..." and then my mother was there. And with that newfound information i gave my mother a very sincere hug and told her that i had no idea. I felt deeply for her for some reason. Perhaps its because it was my mother telling me of such a sad affair which she had to experience. We continued walking together...speaking of all sorts of things until we came to a church......a vacant church. Tattered photos of children were thumbtacked on the inside hallway. I became a little uneasy and stepped outside, taking in my almost uneartlhy surroundings once again. I suddenly woke up to find Matty and Dudley snarling at each other which was very strange. Matty had bit dudley for one reason or another and he curled up next to me shaking. -.- i comforted him and scolded merciless matty....and drifted back to sleep. Unfortunatly i was not taken back to my outdoor haven, but instead to a large room with a wood floor and a cat. Damn those internet videos that patraic had shown me that day because i dreamt of rolling my cats hair into a long matted object and let it play. -.- gah. oh, how my dreams differ!!
I know jake was in my dream....and he played a significant role......but unfortunatly i cannnot remember. -.-
but i suppose in a nutshell that was what was going on in my head last night. very odd. very strange.
i must go to work now. maybe i'll open the exit door. just to see.

2007-12-14T22:36:00.000-08:00

christ. today was not a day to brag about. Headaches and tears filled my 12 hour shift at work today... it all started when i went to let out that fucking dog....
Roxie was its name...she is a 3 1/2 month old golden retriever puppy. God, i loathe puppies. i dont think i could ever raise one. -.- i let this damn dog out in our enclosed astroturfed yard to do its business. i cleaned its kennel and fed it. when i went to let it in , it wouldnt come back to me. It insisted on playing and running around me in circles even though i was clearly in no mood to play. the temperature outside was below what i would consider a comfortable cold therefore my hands were cold. i called the dog over and over....my voice gaining a harsher tone each time i called it. i just wanted to get this dog in and continue my rotation so i could be done. This dog just would not come. i could feel myself getting more and more frusterated....my breathing became heavier. -.- i kneeled down in the middle of the courtyard with this fucking dog running laps around me and began to cry. i was so upset for some reason. so very upset. i asked her "please, roxie. just go inside" but of course she didnt listen. this went on for about 15 minutes. i thought of matty.......god shes a good dog. -.- unlike this failure of an animal.......
i finally just propped the door open and waited for her to go in by herself. she did. i shut her in her kennel and took away her dinner. maybe i shouldnt had done that....but i did. o.O
after that ordeal i heard the "beep" of my phone again. Damn that phone.....its trashed. ive never had a phoen longer than a few months. ugh.
then i come home. mother and father were arguing over something......my mother left the house in a huff all of a sudden, slamming the door after her. i was in the upstairs bonus room so i could hear the roar of the garage door opening and the car engine starting. She left. it was just father, the dogs, and myself now. i sat by him....and held matty who was also sitting on the couch. we stared blankly at the television screen. some "funny video" show was playing. Neither of us were watching, i know. We both had a lot of things on our minds. I let go of matty and gently lay my head on my fathers' lap. i asked him what he was thinking but he didnt say anything back. i hate it when he does that. i longed for my mate.....haven't seen him today. i miss him. i hate being apart from him on these days that i work. Father gets up all of a sudden and instead of his lap my head ends up on the warm cushion. i tell him i love him as he leaves the room but of course my statement of affection was not reciprocated. i went downstairs and made some tea. i sat on the couch with matty and mother and decided i will not go to work tomorrow. work does not own me.....i have things to do tomorrow. things for myself. i want to paint so badly. ugh. the urge to create has never itched at me so badly. this is a good thing though.

oh yes. update to my last post about the dog corpse.....i went back into the laundry room today at work and looked at the clipboard next to the body freezer which lists all the bodies they place in it. i was curious what the dogs' name was which i put in a bag the other night. i took my finger and skimmed through the dates.....11/30.....12/9..........12/10/......12/11.....when i came to 12/13 my eyes got wide. that dog, the one i inspected so closely and had much sympathy over was named matty.
i hope the person who owned this matty is coping with their loss......losing a matty is hard....or so i can imagine.

2007-12-13T21:39:00.000-08:00

i pulled into the driveway well into 10pm. Weary and cold, i hurried inside the house. I greeted matty as i always do with rediculous "babytalk" and endless touching. The repetitive "beeps" emitted from my cellular devive, reminding me to feed it electricity. i frown. My phone charger is in the car. I would have to brave the cold one more time if id like the luxory of using my alarm which comes equipped with the phone. i pull my sweatshirt back on and rush outside....only to be stop on the large concrete porch just long enough to marvel at the sight above the rooftops. The clouds are whispy and the night sky is darkish. the air is crisp and i can see my breath....
im reminded that cellular device is such a petty, petty object....
a lot of things in this world are. Little pieces of technology that everyone and their brother owns. Things that have become a necessity......how sad. How sad that our lives must be intertwined constantly with technology.....it eats human relationships away. the paint is coming off....
ugh. how i long to live in a time of manual labor.....where we didnt have machines to do the somewhat gratifying work for us. o.O

well. on a different note...
today.
i was at work. and i went back to check the laundry in the storage room which coincedently also has the body freezer in it. Receptionist girl was wheeling a table into the room. on top of the table was a large black lab, covered with a blue patterened blanket. Receptionist girl was crying..."it...looks like my dog and i just had to put her down!" she cries to me. i tell her its okay and go get cathy. Receptionist girl leaves and cathy and i prepare the cadaver for the freezer. I felt the dogs torso......cold...and very stiff. strange feeling body with no life in it. i felt its joints but the rigamortis had already set in. Eyes closed, mouth clenched. Sad sight. i pet the dead dog as if it were still living and slid the camo-print collar off its neck. We put it in a huge thick black bag, tied it up, labled it....and put the dog in the freezer. my job is interesting. the dead are intriguing.

where do dogs go when they die?

im tired. goodnight.

2007-11-05T21:49:00.000-08:00

words always come to me when im somewhere where i cannot write. then when i arrive at a place where i can safely jot down my thoughts, my mind draws a blank. damn you, cerebellum. damn you, medulla, and damn you, cerebral cortex!!

...*pacepacepace* yes. this is what im thinking about right now...
im thinking of the deep down and often over looked characteristcs in us homosapians which often make up a large part of us. The small, sometimes "insignificant" thoughts and ideas and memories...the things that we think often upon....but we fail to tell anyone else fearing its of no importance to bring up. I have them. and you have them. and sometimes....these small thoughts...these...minuscule memories and thoughts and feelings that captivate us in such away that our whole lives revolve around it...and the sad part is that half the time we aren't even aware. ....We're not aware until we realize just how much this things eats away at us.....eating and feeding off of our mere beings until thats all that is being focused on. When you realize that this thing is devouring you, you can handle it in two different ways. you can accept it and hand feed it the last of your dignity. Or, option two, you can look it in the eyes and accept it. accept that that was then. this is now. a completely different time...a time where a completely different energy is enveloping you. Mate rocked me to sleep as he reminded me of these truths.

Im not going to hold a negative stigma towards this coming season.

*ahem*
*pacepacepace*
This afternoon i was sitting on my bed, freshly cleansed and i was naked. matty was curled up in her...skin. -.- and i was drawing...something i rarely do these days. Which is sad because i do enjoy letting loose my creative illustration side, but rarely does it want to come out. Just one of those patient talents, i suppose. My art is something that is not my own, it has its own moods and its own feelings. It seems as though it is a completely seperate entity from myself.... >.>
<.<
anyways...my bed. me. drawing. and i had the radio on. i had it on the classical station of course. The medley of stringed instruments was mere background noise until a certain song came on. A song entitled "Fantasia On a Theme"....and i became very intrigued. i ran downstairs and downloaded it (god bless the interwebby) and have been listening to this same song on repeat all day. its so.....i dont know. foreboding almost. a feeling of....eager anxiety....if that makes sense. i love it.

i like music. and i like drivng. and i like matty. and i like jake. and i like wolves. and i like the nighttime o.O i like a lot of things.

today is a good day. i had to stay late at work which i dont mind. cathy likes me now. i am glad.
cathy does not like joe.
for this, i am equally glad.
but i shall not hold any grudges! and i shall not talk about joe as if he were a naughty child in a bleach-covered daycare!!

im sorry whoever reads this! but my mind skips and dabbles in different places constantly. so now i am changing direction. again.

and maybe ending this long post. because....well..........

yes.

that is all.

2007-11-03T17:45:00.000-07:00

i was bereft of this emotion for a long time but now its back again, gracing me with its presence.
such an illusive feelng....it almost haunts me in a way. my own personal ghost always firmly gripping my shoulder with its talons.
coming. and going. i get lost in things.
like weather.
and time.
and days.
and even love.
but this damn ghost-like emotion is always there......making itself known......when i crave it the most.

im hungry.

random memory

2007-11-01T22:41:00.000-07:00

3 or 4 years ago this happened..
i had a friend. his name was chris boorman. and he was my only friend because caitlin disowned me at the time. it was very sad. he brought me to church a lot. this was all when i lived at the chateau house and he lived a few streets away and every wednesday we'd walk to this big church down the street.
it was boring. and id just sit there. and he was very involved and so was his family. and sometimes it was quite awkward...but i sat through it because he was my only friend and i wanted him to like me. oh. this was also when i wore skirts....every day. all year. and id skip class. and i was depressed i think. so it was strange. and i was probably a little cold. all the time.

anyways.

this happened in.....spring time. yes. oh. wait.
so...this church. the "youth room" was big and dark and had this big painting of jesus on a boat and chris olson was always being outragous with god. anyways. one day...chris boorman told me to come and help pass flyers out in neighborhoods in town. and so...i agreed. because i wanted his friendship. but i didnt want to go. but i did. and soo...we met at this church on a weekday night. and got in a large van. we listened to fucking Lifehouse over and over and over. and...we drove down 5 mile in the country-ish creepy "imgonnashootyougetoffmyproperty" area. it was scary! and so we buddied up to pass out these flyers....which meant basically putting them on peoples doorknobs. and so i was partnered with simon...and simon was very peculiar. very different. simon had a beard. and thick glasses. and he always wore this black coat. and he was quiet. but said enough to be understood. and he was always riding a damn unicycle. he brought it on our expedition...in this creepy neighhborhood. i didnt want to be there. the van dropped us off in this completely foreign neighborhood that was really trashy and scary. simon said "lets split up and ill meet you at the end of the street" i was pretty shy so i just said.."well ok" so we split up and i clutched my flyers as i watched crazy old simon ride his unicycle down the street and past all of the creepy homes. i turned around aned walked. and walked. and threw the flyers away because i was tired of promoting church. i just walked around the streets until it became dusk. and simon, that son of a bitch, still hadnt met up with me. i was a little worried. i didnt know where i was. my partner had left me. i was sad! then i wondered and wondered and finally found the main road after crawling through a hole in a chain link fence. i sat on a smallish thick pole and finally the van came down the street. i went up to it and got in. O.O the jesus-people took me home and i never went flyer-giving again. and then i quit trying to please chris boorman. the end.

...jakes cute when hes being inquisitive with electronics!!! :3

2007-10-24T09:46:00.000-07:00

lets see.
my dream. last night. it was interesting.
i was at my house. it was full. i was sitting in a room upstairs. i was in my pajamas. this very fancy looking lady who looked extremely well-to-do came up and just started messing around, looking in drawers and what not. i knew she was just staying the night (my house was a sort of bed and breakfast) but still, i couldnt stand her. she kept going out to her van. the 3rd or 4th time she went out i watched her and saw someones legs in the backset. and cleavage. but no heads. i went outside, stopping in the womans room first. i opened her closet on "accident" and peered inside. yes, just what i imagined. fur coats and heels and very fancy outfits all hung up in the closet perfectly. i sighed. shes travelling! and she packs like this??! i proceeded to the parking lot and to the van. i went inside and there were two girls, maybe about 15 or 16 in age. the had short shorts on and long necked shirts. they were sitting in the back of a mini van and had their seat belts on. the one on the right was extremely tan...fake tan...all orange-like. i just sat there and listened to there conversation, which was more of an arguement.
" your tan looks awful!" says the pale girl
"i like it!" yells back the tan girl.
pale girl, "it looks terrible!!!"
tan girl, silent for a second, then.."yes. you're right. i look bad!!!"
i think they were sisters.
then i was back in my house. i was sad because jake had left me. and so i was just walking around downstairs when i heard a tap on my window. i went to it, and was a little scared, but i put the blinds up, and, yes, it was dustin almanderaz. o.O he looked very dirty and appeared to have been travelling for a very long time. he told me he forgot his earing at my house. i said "okay" and let him in. he went into the bathroom and brought out a smallish hoop-type earing. i was on the floor by the piano petting matty and he kneeled down beside me. he placed it the earing by her nose. i told him now. he placed it by her snout. i said NO! he placed it on her head. and said no. he put it on her eye. i said no again. then he placed it on her ear. i said "okay". i dont know why! and he shoves this earing into poor mattys ear. then he puts another one in her leg. she tries to get up but she cant even use her leg. i start to cry. i didnt like to see matty in pain. dustin just left. and i took the earrings out of matty and threw them at him. i yelled at him and comforted matty. then she could walk again. i go outside to let matty out. the time was very late. but in the alley, there was a sound that sounded like the garbage truck....and i could see the headlights. i tell matty to stay close. the truck/machine/whatever comes out of the alley and has a huge screw hand. it is taking trash and going into the ground and sucking things out and its very scary. i run inside and brian is on the steps, laying down packing blankets the end.

last night was very bad. coworker laziness ruins my mood for the entire day. and now mate is unhappy. -.-

ugh.

2007-10-12T23:33:00.000-07:00

yes. that awful feeling is burning at the base of my stomach again. something i cannot ignore...
tonight is strange. very strange....

2007-10-08T09:49:00.000-07:00

these pictures....*sigh*....bring out the epitome of happysad in me.

im deeply in love with them.
im always going to have an infinite passion for the night sky.....

2007-10-08T09:05:00.001-07:00

my cough is getting better. thank god i haven't been smoking lately. i feel very good about quitting my habit. very accomplished! i never thought it could be done. ^_^

well. last night...my boy and i went for a drive to Idaho City. it was very pleasant. we acquired hot chocolate and cheesy seeds at a hodunk gas station right in the heart of the little mountain town. Oh, how i love mountain villiages! I watched a man talk on a pay phone (yes, he USED a payphone!!) and he looked so....i dont know. like he knew what was going on. o.O with his logger shirt and his pants tucked into his big work boots and a nice floppy hat to top it all off. i enjoyed watching him there in the dusk light. ^_^;; i want to live somewhere like that someday. i really do.

i keep on thinking about what jake brought up about the scales of time.
earth=present for millions of years.
sun=has been present for billllllions of years.
you and i= will be around a max of 80 or so years.

commitiments dont seem that scary when thinking in a way like that. we're here for such a short period of time it amazes me. and to think that we strive to learn everything about our existence in that short of time??!! what are we thinking. maybe thats why other people come into our lives....so we dont have to think about it all by ourselves. we take certain bits nad pieces from other peoples' experiences and add it on to our own long list of things we know.....
very strange. very different.
and i thought about the years. and dogs??? dogs live what?? 9....10.....14..years?? what a short existence that is!! yet we hold so dear to them.
agh. ...........

i wish i had a photo of the sky last night. the clouds were huge and had an incredible red glow to them (due to the city lights in over the hills im sure) and the stars were just scattered everywhere. and they were so bright. so wonderful. and i looked at mate a lot. watched him drive #1. how the light hit his features. hes a beautiful person. really, really beautiful. its strange how connected i feel to him and ive only been seeing him for 2 months about. we really jumped into this but, god, im glad we did. every day i think of him and i get this crazy euphoric, extremely anxious, happysad feeling. its wonderful. id like to spend a good part of this short existence with this boy. hes very very dear to me. im glad i am where i am. right now. at this very moment of my life. im very content.

i got a a parking ticket last night.
wait.
let me explain the scene.
HEY ITS BSU DAY!! FOOTBAWLLLLLL!!!!!!! all the men and their blue and orange. LETS WATCH FOOOOOTBAWLLL!!! they park anywhere and everywhere. all broadway and surrounding streets are just littered with this crazy BSU fans ....all walking toward the stadium like a gaggle of geese to a really big pond. o.O and so i drive! me and webby!! down jakes street. and no parking!!! because they took all the spots!! and i cant parallel park!!!!!!!! AH BASTARDS. so i park where i can. and i shouldve turned and parked the CORRECT way on the street but i didnt. because i was aggravated. and so i got a ticket. a $36 fine for parking the WRONG WAY on a street. i love road violations!!! thank you, police officer! thank you boise! thank you grant street!! thank you BSU!!!

that is all.
i want to go play some Zelda before i have to go and lasso dogzzz.

2007-09-21T02:07:00.000-07:00

i feel out of place. and im really cold....physically. all shivery. lately i haven't been very comfortable. its hard for me to relax. life has been going at 100+ mph the past few weeks....and thats how i like it....yet, at this time...in this phase that im enveloped in, i just cant get myself to settle into it.
its strange. i shouldn't feel like that. no reason to. ive been getting pretty irritated at little things lately. i hope those close to me haven't noticed. -.-

i also feel trapped. trapped in this fuckin work/home/jake/fuckin tired cycle that ive gotten thrown into. the jake part of the mix is good but the rest is soooo stressfulll. and people. oh, people are a sin! humans are a disease. like ringworm. or...parvo... i cant deal with it. i just want to go off and be by myself for awhile. i'd like to go into the woods now....gaze up at some night time views and taste that crispy woodsy taste. id rather be cold up there...not in this people/smog/stress infested city. i'd like to go now. i'll pack my duffel bag of necessities and travel up into the unknown. i spent all day talking to coworker girl about her problems-throwing advice at her like a human throwing a ball to an eager ass dog. what about me?? maybe i should explain my "problems" to people but a lot of the time i choose not to. well, i tell Love a lot.....but he still only knows so much. -.- i just want to bitch to someone and not feel awful.

...ugh. *shivers*
cold.

jake brought up a day today. long ago. me, him, pk, and sophia when we went on that oh-so significant drive to jordan valley. oh, how that was the beginning of so many things. the life of me. and ironically enough the death of me at the same time. i remember being completely head over heels with pk at the time and just fucking admiring him. what an impressionable age i was at!!
im thinking a lot. shakey thinking. and this is the point where i just have to stop typing because the past 3 years are just colliding into me right now. event after event after god damn event.....making dents in my skin they hit me so hard.....

*sigh* fucking life.........gawd.

ANGER>

2007-09-10T10:05:00.000-07:00

i have woken up very upset today. dont even know why. god. just in this horrible awful mood.......thinking about people. thought about pks situation and my own fucking situation with those 2 immature fucking kids. christ. fuckin grey cant get around his huge ego that i dont fuckin care what he thinks and his constant side attacks on me do nothing. all he does is get me worked up about nothing. and fuck that. and fuckin kristen too. what a fucking brat. seriously. she thinks shes gods gift to the intellectual world....."oh wow. im intelligent and deep...but i dont know whats going on!!" at that age you just feed and feed and feed off of other people. we all did it. and fuckin patraic. wtf. seriously. ......trying to make things work with a 16 year old.....he never even sounds happy with her. everything seems so forced. i see it. when i was at his house the other day we both were relaxed and talking actual talk.,....then as soon as kristen shows up he drops all fuckin interest in conversation and acts like a complete dumb ass. so forced. fuck. but i cant say anything, can i?? because thats him and this is me. and i dont want anything to do with that side of his life. and i wish they could just fuckin all grow up and not be so malicious and horrible and fuckin rude. fuck all their drama. they get a kick out of it im sure.. fuck that.
im pissed.

whatever. i should focus on myself. and all is going wonderful. really good. so....there.

2007-09-05T11:40:00.000-07:00

sipping tea and sitting on my back porch as the puppies are huddling close by. i probably shoulnd't have this electronic device outside but im sure its fine. i wanted to write and be enveloped in all this rain and thunder and wind and cold......
rain is good. this weather today is utterly sublime.
all this week there have been these crazy happenings going on outside. yesterday i was in the middle of a dust storm.....now a rainstorm?? how wonderful.
urf. rain makes me so restless! damn my obligations at work today. >.<

lunar eclipse night.

2007-08-28T19:13:00.000-07:00

transitions. phases. times. i dont care what you call them. but they are there. looming over everything you do. its eerie almost......

for now, i'll set the scene.
we drove into this neighborhood in the north end. a place foreign to me. but yet i was intrigued-all these bendy, hilly roads.....
it was night. Webby had a good smell to him today. and i was very comfortable in his seat. more comfortable than usual. pushing on his chrome acceleration pad i navigated us to the home that was hosting a friend. he joined us. odd company? perhaps. oh. wait. before i go on, i must make note of the directions in the case that i may want to revisit that spot again someday:::
1.twilight zone gas station road. go upupup towards simplot hill.
2.right on the road with the school and bomb shelter.
3.left on the <---> sign.
4. UNKNOWN!!!
5. hearthstone rd. then up until the end.
THERE! it is written down.

.....so this boy took us down the road. it was a good walking night.the nights are getting cold now. august is ending. september is beginning....
we walk for a while. just speaking human talk. blahblahblahblah. timepasses......he leaves. pk and i look at each other. look at the illuminated hills behind us. and nod our heads in agreement. these hills were huge. completely secluded if you walked back far enough. the path was in a vallley. it was littered with huge rocks and tumbleweeds and such. we spoke. mending words. then we climbed upward. up the steep slope of the hill. jumping on rocks all the way up. i was on all fours half the time-i have an awful fear of falling of rocks. -.- we climb this grassy hill....stars. god. so many. the sky was so clear. and the moon! so bright.....i actually squinted when i looked up at it. and this is the part where, even if i tried to explain i the feeling i had in my chest at that exact moment, i couldnt properly convey it. it was a true feeling. a nostalgic one in a way. i was content there at that spot. with this human companion. and with the sky and the stars and the dirt and the air and the everything. we talked for a very long time.
then we decided to go farther up the hill. we climbed. and climbed. then found a clear spot and sat down. here, it was the same scene yet the city was spread out in the distance. all the lights......such a familiar view, this damn city of ours. ive seen it in so many different ways. we sat there, silently passing back and forth a harsh USA Gold. silence was broken by a chorus of coyotes howling in the distance. ive never heard howling in the wild before. i was somewhat shaken by this. everything at that second. all that howling. and my surreal surroundings. *sigh* it was something ill never be able to explain. really, those hills. on nights like that.......whenever i think of.....living....feeling completely real.........being at peace...content....i think of what ive experienced in those hills. i'll probably always hold that with me. like the mole on my neck....
god, i wished jake was there. so bad. this was the kind of thing i have wanted to feel with him for so long. i mean, ive experienced a lot with him but for some reason i felt that this would've been significant to him as well. made me tingly. the whole night made me tingly.
we traversed downward....down on that treachorous un-pathed hill! it was steep. we finally made it down and went to get pie and coffee before the lunar eclipse.
"come on haley! its almost 3!"
"damnit. im gonna drink my coffee!"
"ahhhhhh!"
"*chugchug*"
"KAYLETSGO"
so we walk pretty briskly and look up. eclipse has begun. a small shadow was covering the top of it. ive never seen a lunar eclipse, or any kind of eclipse for that matter. O.O so we hopped in the car and drove pretty quick to find the perfect spot. we ended up going down hill road and parking at the entrance of that cemetary there. the night was getting colder. when we couldnt stand the elements anymore (mostly me) we took refuge inside of Webby. we talked for a long time. watching the moon begin hiding under that black mass. it was eerie watching such a familiar object dissapear so quickly. it was amazing when it was completely covered. a black circle with really light reddish edges. i didnt really think about a lot when i saw it. just....i was in awe, i suppose. the moon is wonderful. something about nights......they're....ineffable. -.- too many things are. when we are done with the moon, i took him back home. then. i realized a had somewhere to be. somewhere very important. i drove down that street ive driven down hundreds of times....i pulled up to the strange little connected house. turned off my lights and gave the boy a call. no answer. i call again. no answer. i figured he was sleeping so i start to drive away but then back up and park again. maybe his door is open? i contimplate. i didnt want to be creepy. but then again i felt the urgency. so yea. i go and its unlocked. >.> <.< i opened the door to his lair and stepped inside. of course he was on his bed sound asleep. the light from outside was coming into the room and running across everything. then. i dont know. i dont know what i felt. but i never felt anything like it. i just sat by him and held him. and i couldnt stop shaking. and my breathing was going all over the place. i felt a huge intensity at that moment....i kind of wanted to wake him up and tell him what was on my mind but i didnt. but then he woke up. and i have no recollection of what happened those next few moments. a lot of realizing i suppose. i just remember holding him for a long time. very tightly. and him holding me. and we both were just modling into each other in a way humans rarely do. there was a lot of shaking. from the both of us......i believe what we were feeling was some sort of emotional climax-one that is never seen coming and always hits you all at once. its like being in a car crash....one that you watch coming at you for days. and you know its going to be quite the impact when it finally comes, but you dont slow down. thats the last thing you want to do. a lot of tears. i remember that. everything was all shakey and euphoric and for a second completely understood. 3-letter phrases were finally exchanged and the moment couldn't have been more well-suited for such a profound statement. that song ironically was playing on repeat in the background....the one from pks story blog. ive always kept that song close. it was....perfect. o.O am i allowed to say that? very few things in life come off as perfect but that was pretty close too. and i dont know what else i can really say without being all...womanly.
so ill say this. we took our clothes off in the morning and karen refused to do me. the end.

i must elaborate when i can focus more. *sigh* -.-

rising.

2007-08-26T00:22:00.000-07:00

happy/sad.
what a strange concept.
god. my mind.
human connections. past. present future. all snowballing into one huge time period. i think of connections.
i hope no one knows about this blog. ....
but.
okay.
im going to type this. in full.
2005.
that summer. trial and error. trial and error.
i think of gazebo nights and patraics basement. -.- i think of night skies and summer air. cigarette smoke and....even that alcohol taste.
that was when everything took a huge turn.....and i still cannot explain it. yet i think of it often. im not dwelling on the past, its just im still so, so curious as to how to actually define that time. god knows ive sat here at this computer pounding these keys over and over and over trying to find the words that accuratly describe the feelings, tastes, smells, ideas, from back then. i still get lost trying to do that. and its been almost 3 years later. its sick. unhealthy maybe.
fucking....round feelings! i said it before but, yes, i'll say it again....the human interactions. perhaps it was an overload of somesort. intensity.
i think i thrive on that.
intensity.
speed.
things like that. being caught in something huge. i think we all do.....thrive on things such as that.
moving on.
forget 2005. now, i shall generalize. winter months. you know the feeling. youre constantly at mercy with the elements. i like that. i like not being able to control your surroundings.
surroundings.
oh.
okay.
maybe thats it.
new surroundings. fresh beginnings in a way. no ones trekked here before. maybe i dont mean that literally but....yes.
with every surrounding, every area, every hill and every valley theres a new experience to be had. a new mindset to envelop yourself with.
moving on.
spring. everything is becoming more familiar. winter has surrendered. taking what you have learned in the bleak cold and applying it to this strange half cold half warm season. why do i write about spring?? this is no season story.
im skipping a lot. i know. but. the present. right now. fuck. i feel i need to express so much more on the last 2 1/2 years. so significant. so.....ineffable. damnit. thats why i cant ever write about it.
but.
*pant*
right now. this very second. 1:51 AM ona certain August 26th.
this is how im feeling:::
almost euphoric.
nostalgic. (god, i loathe nostalgia)
content, cattywompus.
the boy....i dont know how he does it. sparks a lot of things in me. and not just that crazed hot and bothered phenomenon but something much more. still trying to define it. its somewhat difficult yet. im still trying to grasp onto things. i love it. every day, i almost let that god awful 'L' word slip....... that taboo word that bonds two people in some kind of intimate/dictonary/mind boggling manner.
it will come.
this one is special. i can feel it. very, very thoroughly.

i need to get out of this valley. maybe thats it. all this emotion is being felt in the same place day after day. ive gotta see things with him. experience. i want to see the same thing 46 different ways with him.....have to traverse the land.

somethings happening. and its good. very good. a little scary and a little rocky but something huge is taking place. and im sorry to whoever reads this because my writing is so hard to follow. i feel bad for the unlucky soul who i drag online to read this......probably ironically jake or something. im sorry!!

and. suppose this is where i shall place....that....important.....ever-so-vital........show-stopping piece of punctuation.

glorious day

2007-08-25T21:22:00.001-07:00

-wagwagwag-work was slow today. its good to rest my weary paws.i wanted to go to PP to receive a professional prrrrrrrrrregancy *coughcough* test but, no. i couldnt hold my bladder. and mate was sleeping. its ok.......hes so cute. god damn. we've been playing Secret of Mana the last few nights. when i get tired he puts me to bed and lays with me until i fall asleep. then, he dissapears. god, im lucky. he's very good to me. its.....refreshing. good boys do exist. and, mates exist as well. it makes me giddy. makes me anticipate what is to come....oh, how i want to experience seasons with him. dwell in crisp cool months and dabble in the harsh winters....

...i want to go camping. i haven't been camping all summer. damn forest fires. wait. i lied. i went camping once....with the notorious Tom Cope. But i suppose that wasn't much of a camping trip now was it....heres what it consisted of:
-me driving all the way to McCall in the middle of the night.we finally got there.
-he made me drive around FOREVER to find the spot he lived at for 3 months.
-Tom, being the man he is, made the fire. layed down a blanket. smoked a bowl. and went to sleep. "you dont mind, right? KAY. night babe..."
fucker.
-im looking around now. i just drove how many miles to just watch him get high and go to bed??!!!
-i took his dachsund through the woods and to the lake. we explored.-i came back. slept in my car....wrote a lot.what a bad trip. then he made me drive all the way around McCall trying to find fucking pot and his old buddies.actually....as bad of a 3 days that was, i do hold it close for some reason. O.O it was something new. that time period had its own unique feelings. its odd to think about now.i still listen to the mix i made from those days. ughhh. Tom, Tom, Tom. i wonder what hes doing these days. probably festering in Utah still, doing the same thing.....boisekennels. and tom. and mark. and sayodi. and that fuckin wooden shack they called a kennel. the drunken barbecues i felt obligated to attend. the fuckin haraassment i put up with. god.what an experience. >.< heh. and the hate letter i wrote to him. what a strange, strange, strange time.

that is all.

praise matty librarian.

another day

2007-08-23T20:09:00.001-07:00

today i am restless.
work was interesting. i learned matty is very athletic. o.O jumpin' on tables and stuff.....

called pk. he doesn't interest me anymore. which is odd....
i was reading back on old letters and old writing and it was interesting to see how fondly i portrayed him. i actually looked up on him. and now, he has dissapointed me. -.- i see him regressing quite significantly but i dont dare tell him that. he gets upset when i mention it. i lost a very good friend, it seems.
the experiences i needed were taken. i gained what i needed from that 2 and a half year period of my life. and that is what i shall hold on to. not all this negativity that is flooding the present. i have other things to focus on, anyways.

2007-08-22T22:41:00.000-07:00

and so.... with this cyber tool .....i shall embark on a quest! a quest to begin a new series of tangible strings of words and put them together in a way that i am pleased with.

-.-

2007-08-22T21:39:00.001-07:00

These days have been anything but slow. Life has picked up a remarkable speed. everything was dead for so long....killed by heat probably. damn summer months. ironic that this season once meant completely remarkable mind sets and what not. things haven't been life changing lately. perhaps i grew out of it? i dont know.
well. the point is......today. oh god, today. it was somewhat chilly-in the 70's. it was nice for a change. The storms were rolling in. this caught my attention, of course. i became restless....oh so restless! frantically running about my room, gathering the essentials....keys...ipod....matty-i swear that dog is my own damon. i see so much of myself in her... anyways.....i ran out the door. i had a place in mind. i drove quick--pushing the car. seeing when it would tell me 'no'. it never did. so i continued speeding through the roads, navigating my way to the perfect spot. haven't felt like this in ages.i drove out in the hills. the sky.....rain.....and those masssive clouds just covering the valley. heart out of chest to say the least! i try not to smoke but today, cigarette after cigarette for some reason. felt good in a way. i get to the top of this sepia toned hill. huge boulders are placed here and there. i stop the car, get out, matty bouncing behind me as usual. i scurry up a large-ish rock....red in color...reminds me of pummice in a way. all these crevaces in it....holes littered with cigarette butts and dirt. matty jumps up without hesitation. shes a good dog. i face west. sit down with my knees to my chest and just.,...revel. matty stands by me with her little pink nose going all over the place. the wind was powerful! i thought about tying my hair back but decided not to......i liked the feeling. looking out at that sky today just made me realize so many things. made me realize at what an interesting turn life has made. that new source of inspiration that has entered my life.....i thought about him a lot. i dont know why im so attatched to this person. i feel things with him though. actual round feelings. and i dont think he quite understands what that entails, but god i hope so. its a very genuine feeling. very powerful. its a bond i cannot even begin to explain.....something that i'll only figure out with time.
and.
for once.
i do believe i am content. my insides feel like they've being ripped into so many pieces but....its really good. im being enveloped by something huge right now. its coming right for me...it has been for awhile-i just didnt notice. and now, look.
its right here.
looking at me straight in the eyes.
waiting for me to make some move.
should i dance for it or simply pretend i dont see it??
either way, its going to make itself known.
mmm..the unknown. all that vastness. maybe thats why i cling to the sky so much. something so...noble.??..so....ominous! something completely familiar to all of us, we see it everyday. yet. all the time, theres that complete mystery about it.
i crave a lot of things right now. im getting shakey typing this. i have this feeling in the pit of my stomach....i haven't felt this in a long time. today has been good.

i think ive found passion again. im not talking about love passion-im speaking of the passion that you can feel in the back of your eyes. deep in your stomach. almost euphoric.
.......things have changed so much. im happy. i thrive for change. sometimes i let nostalgia get the best of me. i know this. but....today. today seems completely different. its strange. almost eerie.
even the smells. things smell new. fresh. im glad these seasons are a constant change. one of the few constants i can rely on.

this place is impressive.